Saturday, 26 December 2009
The solar panels got up before October and the snow fall. There was only a few hundred dollars left to the royalties check. I accomplished something and that was all that counted.
All the excitements is over. I started getting into all too familiar ruts. Day to day life gets you there. I was mom MUM than woman. I cooked, I cleaned, I helped with homework, I got up and started it all over again. After several weeks of that the thrill of Chrystal wore off. It seemed like a decade since I saw the girls and Eric.
I don't really like this role of MOTHER. It takes everything away from a woman. I guess it is fine if that was all you wanted to be in life. I don't get the people who choose to be mother and mother only. But they also choose to be wife and all that comes with that.
When Charisma lost her first tooth right before Halloween it made me painfully aware she had no father to tell. All those mile stones feel a bit lost. There is no-one else to share it with, other than the other girls, who range from 'I could care less' to 'she better not get more than my last tooth'.
Sometimes I feel bad for him for missing all these little things. Than I remember I haven't received a birthday card, Christmas gift or even a child support check in over a year. I remember he has a new family and will still experience it with the replacement children.
Then I realize I feel bad for my daughters. This town is filled with the normal two parent families. It really is painful when teachers make the girls make father's day presents or cards. When the girls protest "I have no father", they are told "everyone does". Crying does happen on father's day and Christmas and when other children ask where their father is at odd times.
This town is not equipped to deal with single mothers and their children. They keep trying to remold the children into the two parent family that just doesn't exists.
Then I realize this is the children's reality. Some of them are growing up not even remembering he was here. The older two lament and wonder why he doesn't love them any more. The younger ones shrug and tell people openly they don't have a father and he ran away with a tart and started a new family. They have showed a lot of the towns people who are not used of such honesty.
Then I realize it is me who hurts. And sometimes not having someone to share those times with hurts me most of all. I had wanted more for my daughters.
Thanksgiving comes and goes. We have a modest meal. I killed a turkey in the woods. I had to do this all when the girls were not around. I found myself waking up very early to pluck it's fathers and gut it. Somethings I learned on the farm growing up have come in handy. Tom saw me in the market picking up some extras for the feast and asked why we haven't been in church lately. I made up something flippant about exploring witchcraft. Then laughed. I really just don't feel like being judged by a whole building of people. I am doing a good job of that myself.
I managed to keep up the phone bill this long so I treated myself to a call to Eric. I asked him when he was going to make good on the promise of visiting me in East Bum-fuck. I was hoping the name I dubbed it would peak his interest. He said soon. You know the soon that you don't put too much of your hopes and dreams on. He said Crystal asked about me once or twice, but he found himself a nice girl that lives in Boston. I wasn't holding out any hopes for a relationship on that one. He was only really a few night stand.
Black Friday. It is the best time to get really cheap clothes, each girl gets new pajamas, shoes, jeans and a top and new undies. Amazingly this coast more than you might think when you times it by four. But that is my Christmas budget. I refuse to go beg. Maybe I should rethink that. But as of yet I still have my pride. Even if the school nurse, teachers and principles have all person called me to let me know where the free toys for Christmas were.
Sometimes I think my pride gets in the way of my children's happiness. Part of me hopes Ian will send a huge box for each child full of toys and chocolates. He will see the light and realize he needs to be a good dad. The more practical side of me says he has just plainly forgot we even existed. Out of sight out of mind, like a infant.
We trim the fake tree in half homemade things such as popcorn strings and ornaments. Funny I remember when we only got one present each. Today children are expecting a pirates booty of gifts. I wish I could turn the television off until after new years. Anyhow Cindy left the computer. That should be good enough for one year. Not to mention I tell them they have electricity for Christmas.
Christmas Eve and we are making cookies. It is truly fun. Freedom is glued to the computer emailing her aunt and chatting to some friends. I really need to sit down and learn how to us it. I always seem too busy. I will, I promise myself, New Years resolution.
A knock on the door.
We all stop and look at each other.
We all knew where Cindy was, she was at our brother's house in the Northwest, Freedom was just talking to her.
Maybe it's Ian with presents. I didn't say it, but I think the thought when through us all at the same time by the existed look in the girl's eyes.
Knock again with a Ho Ho Ho.
The girls get existed and demand I open the door.
I open the door.
Not Ian, that's for sure.
There was a 6 foot something black drag Mrs Clause with a shorter fashionable Santa, There were three drag Santa helpers and 5 full sacks of goodies.
Ho Ho Ho.
"Girlfriend, you going to just stand there or are you going to let us in, it is cold than a witch's tit out here!"
"AHHHHH " I scream as I hug them all as each came in.
The girls just stare as the Clauses come in.
The sacks get put down by the tree.
"Oh, these are the girls!" Mizty proclaimed and went up to each one. The younger ones except them all. The older ones step back and look with caution.
"Freedom, Solace, these are my good friends from Boston. They are alright people." I said. They still look cautious.
"They'll come around, they are your daughters after all, don't worry about it, darling" Eric said.
"Look we brought Christmas spirits!" said JuJu Bee and she pulled out 4 bottles. "I hope we have enough?"
Christmas just looked up.
"Do we get to open the bags now?" Charisma asked and all the girls nodded in agreement.
I looked at the adults. "One present, the one that is under the tree. Everything else will be tomorrow morning. "
A chorus of "Awwww, Ma" came from adults and children alike. But I figured what was in the bags were a lot better than the clothes they were about to open.
The girls opens their clothes and were slightly disappointed.
"No go to your rooms and put your new jammies on, than we will finish with our night with out friends."
With that they rushed up to their rooms.
"I have a few extra rooms , PLEASE stay." I said back to my old gang.
"Sweetie, you don't have a choice!" Juju Bee said
"We weren't going to leave without seeing the gifts opened." Siouxie said with a kiss to my cheek.
"You actually have a fireplace! Any chestnuts?" Barbie said
"This is so absolutely country! Darling, we have to say we went on holiday in the country for an old fashions Christmas!" Mizty said to Eric as they were all settling down.
"I am happy you are all staying, and yes, I do have chestnuts, we have a chestnut tree. I saved some for tonight to roast. Luckily for me, some is about 10 pounds."
Cheers went around the room.
"Let me find some glasses." I said as I ran around the kitchen.
"And what time is Christmas mass, Butterfly?" Mizty said so matter a factly. "Oh darling, Eric, go get the bags."
"Mass? We stopped going to church." I am busy looking for glasses so she can;t see my stunned look.
"I NEVER miss Christmas mass! It is the only time I catch up with my lord and savior, he wears a dress , too, we have a lot in common. So we are all going to Mass, do you understand me!" Mizty sounded a bit miffed that I would suggest we would not be going.
I got the glasses and the idea of drag queens coming to the little odd church with the star if David in it on Christmas sounded very appealing, everyone likes a Christmas surprise , right?
"9 am, plenty of time to get ready after opening presents or should we open presents after church?!"
"9 am is early, I think we should open them after" Eric decided.
"Then it is settled." The girls returned to a bunch of ahs and ohs from the queens. "Girls presents will be opened after church tomorrow."
Hot Chocolate, wine, Rum and chestnuts were served. We all broke out in song. Mizty at the piano, me with my guitar. We haven't sang in this room since Ian left and this, I must say, was far more fun.
And some stories waited for the girls to go to bed.