Friday, 16 October 2009

That which is in the past....

She remembers everything.

It can play like a movie in her mind or on a blank white wall if she is creatively bored enough. This happened a lot in school. Her teachers could be less than inspiring. Now it is Supervisors and trainers and corporate types at work brings out the creative boredom of her childhood. Isn't always seem the most uninspiring people tell other what to do and how to do it. Intelligence is her friend and half being in the present and half in the past.

This ability to relive the past with the recall of the DVD you have watched over and over again would have been great if her life was filled with more good times.

She wonders how others deal with the walking past, for quite honestly it was starting to bring her down.

So she goes to a preacher to find the answer. He told her to pray for an answer. She does not believe he really understood the query. She prayed when she was a child about it and the cosmic voicemail told her god was away on business.

She went to one of those New Age gurus. They sold her a whole bunch of stones some represented male and female parts. When that didn't work, she was told she was not ready for the answer but if she wanted to get there she could buy his book. When the book enlightened her not, he said she had to take his seminars in the woods were Indians used to do their sacred ceremonies. That was before he bought the land and kicked them out. His new age retreat center was far more profitable . And as she was told that no-one reaches enlightenment unless you paid for it otherwise it doesn't mean anything. She ran out of her entertainment fund and did not feel every entertained.

She ended up in this therapist office full of fake plants and magazines of Pop Psychology. She suspects you can find new neurosis in the waiting room, job security. He sat her down and explained how other people deal with living with the past and present merged together: they don't. He explained they simply don't see the past that clearly. It fades over time. He said she was special and offered the suggestion just to watch the good ones.

After a month she got tired of all the repeats.

She just let's the past come as it will now. Strange little turn of a phrase from a conversation as she walks by strangers waiting for the bus or the odd look her co workers would give would set the past replay again. Old lovers waifing back into the present like the the man on the train who passed wind and blamed the blind girl's dog. She wonders if they ever think about her like this. She shakes her head each time that thought crosses and remembers what shrink said. They don't.

Can you walk or even wake in multiple worlds at once. She was proof time was only how you perceive it. She hates the people who say things like : keep the past in the past or any of the many other says that said the same sentiment. She , more than most, saw that the past effected who we are today. Or in other words that she prefers : they who forgets their past are doomed to repeat it.

She has had the good judgement not to fall into that trap. Unless she wanted to, that usually didn't last long. As if if we know how it will turn out that we would try it from another way. When she saw the same pattern emerge she would walk away. No need to have remakes of the same story.

One of her past lovers was a past walker, too. Their fights were glorious. Each one recalling their side and transgressions against them so perfectly. Ah but time and transgressions are unfortunately all about prospective. This union, no great sex could save.

Yet another lover remember almost nothing clearly. Yet was determined that she lied about the events constinly. He drove her to the brink of madness. The Part about how he knew his memory was faulty and hers was not is what really drove her crazy during those times.

She finally met a person who thought about the future only. With this one she would stay with. It was good. The processes of bringing him to her was nothing but looking forward. He was her child. The child balanced her out. She taught him to remember the past. He taught her to look towards the future. Together they lived happy .