tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20931195755334968062024-03-05T05:30:30.049-05:00Ishat's Fire and IceSome say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.comBlogger139125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-48975971012823798462012-07-27T21:37:00.002-04:002017-05-28T09:47:35.418-04:00The Warrior and the young womanOnce upon a time....
She was a warrior. Not like people think of warriors. Not like people don't think of warriors. Warriors are brave. She was a warrior.
There was a time. There was a place. Wars were wages like any from the past.
"Are you still working on that paper?"
"Yeah. I think so. I am not going anywhere with it. I am trying to sound like Hemingway, but it's not working."
"Why don't you try to sound like Brigid, instead of an old man who died before you were born?"
" But I don't sound good. I have no stories. I fought no wars. Nothing happened to me!" and nothing will she said under her breath.
"I heard that last part, Brigid! It's not true. You, my dear child, have been through more in your 16 years than most Americans will twice your age, even there whole life. Write from what you know."
Brigid went back to writing. Or at least looking at her blank screen. She can hear her little sister clammering for food. from the kitchen.
"Not now, eat first, dinners ready."
This can wait until after mums chicken pot pie.
Once upon a time.....
She was named after a goddess. They expected great things from her. She never believed she could live up to them.
Her mother whispered promises in her ear when she was born. She whispered she would protect her. She whispered she would give her the world. She whispered she would love her.
She felt loved and protected and given the world when with her mother.
Her father never promised her anything.
Her brother processed her. They would forever be like two dragons with their tails tied together. Playing and fighting, but lord help the person who stand between them.
After having her sister was from another man. It didn't matter no father's were in their lives.
This was different that the other kids she knew. They had mothers with boyfriends and hatstands and fathers with wives and girlfriends a few of them had the girlfriends and the wives at the same time. Sometimes her mother permanent single statace on Facebook seems more stable. More poor. More stable. Her mother wishes it was different. Wanting to give them a father worthy of them. Wanting to give them any father figure worthy of them. Deeming this not possible they were surrounded with gay men who occasionally took them out to princesses on ice.
Life was normal. As normal as anyone else's life she knew. She was the only one with a restraining order at a young age that she knew. That piece of paper she knew did not keep her as safe as her mother's machete. The thought of her mother and her machete drove away the monster to the other side of the country.
.....
Boring... and I don't want to talk about this. This is what my mother talks about. My feelings on this is what the therapist she get thrown to every now again again, that is what they want to hear.
That's not my story. That is my mother's. It's just what made me stop trusting men. ......
Once upon a time....
There was a wound woman with blue hair like the sea, she sat on the stone window sill looking out of the windows older than any she had looked out of before. She looks at the lawn and grounds around the tower. She wonders, Did Ann Boylan look out this same window as she waited for her death. Waiting for Henry to change his mind. Waiting for something to happen other than just waiting.
She looks over and sees some of the Ravens. The blue haired young woman sits waiting for her life to being where so many waiting for their lives to end.All those things, Those are my past. They don't matter. All that matters is this. This moment waiting for my life to begin.
Weeks later she showed her mother the photos her friend took of her when she thought no one was looking. "So you are one of the Ravens in the tower of London?"
"Ahh Ma! I hate my middle name."
She was a raven in the Tower of London. Guardian. Not it's prisoner. Free to go and fly. Not trapped waiting for my death.
She sore above what everyone thinks I am what everyone's stories of me are. She watched them all as she headed back to the tower to stand and stare out again.
......
That moment was mine she thought. No-one else's. I was the only one there. I hope it is not to short. I will have to add in filler. There is no way I am showing it to my mother! I need my own stories.Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-19775673499107312012-07-25T08:52:00.000-04:002017-05-28T09:47:35.353-04:00The CougarThe Cougar
Damn he's older.
I couldn't help but think that over and over again.
10 years later I guess I am too.
"Hey sailor! Buy a girl a drink." I said with a smirk. It was his favorite sex game. He was a sailor in WWII and I was the Japanese geisha. Would have helped if I was Japanese, but being Chinese heritage I was less offended. But 20 years ago, it was better than him calling me his little china girl, or god forbid he sang the song to me.
He turned. Graying hair all around to his beard and back around. There was bits of brown still in there. He started to smile. "Damn, girl, you got old!" I didn't feel that old before he said it, but he must be right as I saw my reflection in the mirror behind the bar.
"Have you looked in the mirror, Sunshine? And stop hitting on women young enough to be your daughter, you are embarrassing yourself."
The girls laughed and went back to looking a young men with asses that could stop a clock, at least it stopped mine once or twice.
I walked away.
Once my walking away , the view would stop him in his tracks and make him forget why he was upset with me. But I am no longer 25. I doubt he would follow this time.
.........
In the moonlight that bounces off my ceiling I see his sleeping face with the wrinkles of time etched into the once youthful face I knew. I can see it as an overlay. I see both at the same time.
The moonlight is a magical thing in my bed late at night.
It erases time.
Plays tricks on the mind.
Makes me think I am younger too.
He lays his face on my arm. opens his eyes. His warm caramel eyes.
"I lied, you didn't age a day." he said as he stretched to kiss my lips.
We are both 25 in the moonlight bouncing of my pale ceiling.
Now I understand how old people have sex with the same person for 50 years. Wake up together every morning. In the middle of the night with the magic of moonlight bouncing in their room they are all in their prime and they meet in timeless states.
"Come now my geisha, time to close your eyes and get some sleep, you always thought too much."Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-48745689528736028512010-01-04T21:47:00.001-05:002017-05-28T09:47:35.407-04:00//<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/bDcpq2jQ-UU&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/bDcpq2jQ-UU&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Girls last day of school went well. Having 4 girls fighting all the time in the house for weeks is driving me nuts. <br /><br /><br /><br />Fighting here , fighting there, I keep giving them seprate chourse but they end up in the same space again fighting. I spend most my time and energy trying to seperate them and trying to get them to do the chores I asked them to do. It woudl be far quicker if I didit myself but than I woudl be reaising lazy children. That just will not do. <br /><br /><br /><br />By the time July 4th came around I was beyond ready to get out of the house and change our sinery with yet another town fair and parade. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/iDhNHjU4lRM&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/iDhNHjU4lRM&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I hadn't seen Tom for a while. I had wondered if he would be here. Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-17065799653464540632010-01-01T17:22:00.003-05:002017-05-28T09:47:35.346-04:00Time Passes SlowlyTime passes slowly while you are waiting for life to happen. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/oeBWB08epYg&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/oeBWB08epYg&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Winter becomes spring and planting seasons. Children keep growing. Mercy follows me everywhere. She helps me feed the chickens and ducks. She helps me plant the the fields. When Charisma is there she does as well. I have the older girls help me get the soil ready. They are tired of this choir. <br /><br />The day to day of planting and feeding and gathering eggs leaves my mind to wander. It wanders to the clubs, to men I will never have or see again. <br /><br />The girls are still a little too young to leave by themselves so I can go out to the single bars or any other place I could find a man and not scare them away immediately by four fighting children. Maybe in another year, so I count down the days until Freedom turns 13. She should be old enough to watch her sisters while I nip out for a few hours once a week.<br /><br />Until then, I decided I will just take the girls out to all the little fairs and festivals around town. Socialize enough to be known. Not seen as a freak. Or if nothing else, be around enough that it bothers the old bitches. <br /><br />With Spring comes Strawberry festivals all over New England. These as usually sponsored by the churches in the center of these towns. Our town was just the same. So I packed the girls up and off we went. <br /><br />Sack races, face painting, children singers, strawberry pies and other strawberry like pastries for sale. <br /><br />We did it all. I cheered the girls on. Charisma fell in the egg race. Before I could get to her Tom had picked her up. I nodded thanks to him. He smiled back. <br /><br />Later the girls wanted a snow cone and cotton candy each with a hot dog. I have told them before the Strawberry festival not to ask me for anything because we ate before and we will eat after. I realize that $20 for my girls all to have these things each is not much to many people, but that can be the whole weekends worth of food for all of us. I tried to say many things to them to get them to stop, but they were using public pressure to their leverage.<br /><br /> I heard one guy say "cheapskate, get your kids some food." <br /><br />Oh I stopped and looked him right in the eye. I was about to explain the difference 7between cheep and poor using him and what ex wife says about him paying his child support had said about him when Tom saved his lousy judgmental-throwing -stones-in-glass-houses butt. How he save him? Before I could say what was in my mind, Tom had already bought the children all what they wanted. <br /><br />I opened my mouth to protest, I don't want to be seen as so poor I would take from strangers, When he said "Hey, Emma, I am so glad you let me pay you and the girls back for the dinner you cooked for me and mother last week when she was ill." He handed me a burger and soda. <br /><br />Tom looked at the jerk who made the remark "Hey, Joe, I see you didn't bring your kids, why not?"<br /><br />"The bitch wouldn't let me have them, it's my weekend, too!" Joe said angrily looking at me.<br /><br />"She usually only does that when you are more than a month behind in the old child support checks." Tom said with a smile as she led me and the girls away from the mother hating bitter ex husband. <br /><br />"Don't mind him, he's a douche and everyone knows it " Tom said to me. <br /><br />"Thanks. But I don't like to take charity. " I said back. "I really need to pay..." before I could reach into my purse or finish my sentience Tom stopped me. <br /><br />"Hey, no, it's not like that. I just wanted to shut Joe up. Thank you for letting me put him in his place. He has been rubbing on my very last nerve for over a year now."<br /><br />I looked at him as if I half believed him. <br /><br />"If it makes you feel any better you can make me a supper. Than it is a truth. I could use a woman's home make meal any way. Tomorrow night? "<br /><br />" That's fine, what do you like to eat?" I said hoping it wasn't something expensive.<br /><br />"I'm not fussy, anything really. Just whatever your girls would eat on Sunday night. " <br /><br />"Alright than, don't forget your mom." I said as we shook on it. <br /><br />"Why would I bring her?"<br /><br />"Because you told Joe I made supper for both of ya. I don't want to make a liar out of you." I said with a grin. <br /><br />The girls and I parted with Tom and finished our day at the fair. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/wCVVvNLUjTU&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/wCVVvNLUjTU&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Sunday I was anything but lazy. I spent the morning cleaning. <br /><br />The afternoon I was trying to make a Sunday meal that would be fitting of company. <br /><br />I made some corn bread. <br /><br />I had some wine left over from Christmas.<br /><br />I made some brown rice. <br /><br />I have chicken, mushrooms, garlic, ginger, pepers, onions, celenrto and soem itialian seasonings and cracked pepper. I put it all together with some of the wine. A little for the chicken a little for me. <br /><br />I defrost a pie for deseart. <br /><br />All came together by the time Tom and his mother showed up. <br /><br />Tom's mom said to me apone entering my house, "I undestand you have to feed us to make my sure my son is not a liar. That is a good a reason as any to get out of the house and not have to cook."<br /><br />She enjoyed the girls and we had a little too much wine all of the adults. <br /><br />The food went over well and it was a much better evening than I suspected it might be. <br /><br />The evening ended short as school was still in session at least for a few more weeks. <br /><br />Could it be I might actually make some friends in this place?<br /><br />Who knows but it's worth a ponder.<br /><br />As we said our goodbyes Tom's mum said "Next time dear, have a proper date with my son." She winked as she said. " I can watch the little darlings."<br /><br />"MOM! This was just her paying me back for the carney food at the church. " He smiled at me as if to say she was senile. <br /><br />"Tom, next time ask the girl out proper!"<br /><br />This was going on all the way to the car. I closed the door but listened through it at the same time. <br /><br /> <object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/bTYNW8UmcQI&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/bTYNW8UmcQI&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-22753849467884548122009-12-31T21:22:00.009-05:002017-05-28T09:47:35.364-04:00The court of the Chrimism King<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/BQNBGEvsCgU&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/BQNBGEvsCgU&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Christmas morning we woke I started making pancakes for 10. It felt good. Eggs, scrambles, sunny side up, pooched, pancakes, plain and candy cane flavor. I felt more like a short order cook than a blues musician. I felt there was a lot of love going on in my house, more so than I had in a very long time. <br /><br />Girls wanted to open presents, I wanted to wait until after church. JuJu Bee scold me for torchering my children and they all ganged up against me to open one each. <br /><br />Mercy and Charisma opened a Barbie each. Solace and Freedom opened up a CD each. Chumbawamba and Mariah Carey. They had me open one too. A Bob Dylan album I never saw before, Time out of Mind. Music all around. I put it in while we all got dressed. Bob was sounding more like an old blues man but not quit there yet. <br /><br /><object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/OF9RSOEh0E0&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/OF9RSOEh0E0&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object><br /><br />Oh, dressing for church was a spectacular to behold. Mizty was telling each of the girls they could not look like their club slut selves but like a good church going woman and if they couldn't pull that off they needed to dress like a man. <br /><br />Walking into to church, slightly late as to make the perfect entrance, was something I wish I had my camera for. Eric and Mizty went in first. Mizty in modest heals and a light blue tasteful tweed dress with fox trim on her stole. <br /><br />The next two dressed as men, with pencilled in thicker brows and thin mustaches. <br /><br />Next was JuJu Bee, in red. A respectable red dress, but red none the less. with each of my youngest daughters in hand. Now where the whole congregation was skeptical of the sexes of most of the people before, most the men where looking like they were going to pop a button when JuJu came down. They definitely could not tell. I must explain to her that bras are a must for church. <br /><br />Next my older two daughters followed by me, trying hard not to laugh.<br /><br />Don't you know that Mizty insisted on sitting near the front. We all sat piece by piece to fit in towards the front. Eric and Mizty in one pew, and so forth back until I covered the rear. <br /><br />The whole place was silent, including the preacher as we walked in and sat down. At first I don't know if it was the fact Mizty was black or if it was that she was a he that threw them off more. There are no people of colour in my little town. The combination was priceless. <br /><br />The preacher finally spoke: "Christmas is a time of friends, family, neighbors coming together and worshiping as one. It is a time for loving thy neighbor as they self. It is a time of charity and good will to all humankind. It is un-Jesus like to judge others on his birthday. It is a time of bringing new friends to celebrate his birth to church as Emma has, as Nancy has, and as Alice has done." He waved his hand to each of the woman he was talking about, as I was not the only one bringing people to church today, he nicely pointed it out. " So I say, welcome new friends, lets worship the lord together."<br /><br />"AMEN, PREACHER" Mizty said as if we were in a Southern Baptist church. <br /><br />I did giggle a little then into my hand. Tom looked back at me and smiled. I think I have found someone in this town who has a sense of humor. <br /><br />The rest of the mass went like that. A little Southern Baptist from Mizty, a little jazzing up the tunes from all of the girls. They encouraged my girls to sing the same way, and they did. You know I had to follow suit. <br /><br />Finally Preacher gave up and asked me to sing a bit with his guitar. Guess who were my back up singers. It seems no-one else wanted to join in. But I think the preacher was having his own good time with it, for what ever reason, maybe he wanted to get back at the nasty women there or he just liked a little pizazz in his music today. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/OvKF__2r5Tw&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/OvKF__2r5Tw&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />Afterwards, of course , my friends needed to join the precision of well wishers and greeters to the preacher. The men were drooling even more over JuJu Bee. Oh her breasts are real because of the hormones but so is his manly bits. But they couldn't see that. She even got invited out to Christmas dinner by some of the more bolder bachelors in town. One of the boys who dresses like a girl dressed as guy came over and let them all know she was taken. <br /><br />Tom came up and wished us Merry Christmas and referred to all the queens as ladies, even the ones dressed as men. <br /><br />"Does he remind you of anyone?" Eric said. <br /><br />"Just like all the other farmers." JuJu said. <br /><br />"Let's get home, girls, I want to eat and open presents!"<br /><br />We laughed all the way home at the reaction in church. <br /><br /><br /><br />Home. We started on dinner and sang songs of the seasons, opened more presents, laughed and drank some more. I got some nice sexy dresses. The girls some nice toys and music. Freedom even got her own disc-man so she can have her private music. <br /><br />They were so generous to us. <br /><br />I was so sad when they left that night. <br /><br />The ghosts of laughter lingered and kept me warm through New Years Day. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/r61noMrx3qw&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/r61noMrx3qw&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />My house that was filled with joy and love seemed so lonely all of a sudden. <br /><br /><object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2H5uWRjFsGc&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2H5uWRjFsGc&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-3138447765934008982009-12-26T23:18:00.003-05:002017-05-28T09:47:35.386-04:00Higher Ground.<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/4wZ3ZG_Wams&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/4wZ3ZG_Wams&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />The solar panels got up before October and the snow fall. There was only a few hundred dollars left to the royalties check. I accomplished something and that was all that counted. <br /><br />All the excitements is over. I started getting into all too familiar ruts. Day to day life gets you there. I was mom MUM than woman. I cooked, I cleaned, I helped with homework, I got up and started it all over again. After several weeks of that the thrill of Chrystal wore off. It seemed like a decade since I saw the girls and Eric. <br /><br />I don't really like this role of MOTHER. It takes everything away from a woman. I guess it is fine if that was all you wanted to be in life. I don't get the people who choose to be mother and mother only. But they also choose to be wife and all that comes with that. <br /><br />When Charisma lost her first tooth right before Halloween it made me painfully aware she had no father to tell. All those mile stones feel a bit lost. There is no-one else to share it with, other than the other girls, who range from 'I could care less' to 'she better not get more than my last tooth'. <br /><br />Sometimes I feel bad for him for missing all these little things. Than I remember I haven't received a birthday card, Christmas gift or even a child support check in over a year. I remember he has a new family and will still experience it with the replacement children. <br /><br />Then I realize I feel bad for my daughters. This town is filled with the normal two parent families. It really is painful when teachers make the girls make father's day presents or cards. When the girls protest "I have no father", they are told "everyone does". Crying does happen on father's day and Christmas and when other children ask where their father is at odd times. <br /><br />This town is not equipped to deal with single mothers and their children. They keep trying to remold the children into the two parent family that just doesn't exists. <br /><br />Then I realize this is the children's reality. Some of them are growing up not even remembering he was here. The older two lament and wonder why he doesn't love them any more. The younger ones shrug and tell people openly they don't have a father and he ran away with a tart and started a new family. They have showed a lot of the towns people who are not used of such honesty.<br /><br />Then I realize it is me who hurts. And sometimes not having someone to share those times with hurts me most of all. I had wanted more for my daughters. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9aZwFQbeD1k&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9aZwFQbeD1k&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Thanksgiving comes and goes. We have a modest meal. I killed a turkey in the woods. I had to do this all when the girls were not around. I found myself waking up very early to pluck it's fathers and gut it. Somethings I learned on the farm growing up have come in handy. Tom saw me in the market picking up some extras for the feast and asked why we haven't been in church lately. I made up something flippant about exploring witchcraft. Then laughed. I really just don't feel like being judged by a whole building of people. I am doing a good job of that myself. <br /><br />I managed to keep up the phone bill this long so I treated myself to a call to Eric. I asked him when he was going to make good on the promise of visiting me in East Bum-fuck. I was hoping the name I dubbed it would peak his interest. He said soon. You know the soon that you don't put too much of your hopes and dreams on. He said Crystal asked about me once or twice, but he found himself a nice girl that lives in Boston. I wasn't holding out any hopes for a relationship on that one. He was only really a few night stand. <br /><br />Black Friday. It is the best time to get really cheap clothes, each girl gets new pajamas, shoes, jeans and a top and new undies. Amazingly this coast more than you might think when you times it by four. But that is my Christmas budget. I refuse to go beg. Maybe I should rethink that. But as of yet I still have my pride. Even if the school nurse, teachers and principles have all person called me to let me know where the free toys for Christmas were. <br /><br />Sometimes I think my pride gets in the way of my children's happiness. Part of me hopes Ian will send a huge box for each child full of toys and chocolates. He will see the light and realize he needs to be a good dad. The more practical side of me says he has just plainly forgot we even existed. Out of sight out of mind, like a infant.<br /><br />We trim the fake tree in half homemade things such as popcorn strings and ornaments. Funny I remember when we only got one present each. Today children are expecting a pirates booty of gifts. I wish I could turn the television off until after new years. Anyhow Cindy left the computer. That should be good enough for one year. Not to mention I tell them they have electricity for Christmas. <br /><br />Christmas Eve and we are making cookies. It is truly fun. Freedom is glued to the computer emailing her aunt and chatting to some friends. I really need to sit down and learn how to us it. I always seem too busy. I will, I promise myself, New Years resolution. <br /><br />A knock on the door.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/KQQU2ykEQqo&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/KQQU2ykEQqo&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />We all stop and look at each other. <br /><br />We all knew where Cindy was, she was at our brother's house in the Northwest, Freedom was just talking to her. <br /><br />Maybe it's Ian with presents. I didn't say it, but I think the thought when through us all at the same time by the existed look in the girl's eyes.<br /><br />Knock again with a Ho Ho Ho. <br /><br />The girls get existed and demand I open the door. <br /><br />I open the door. <br /><br />Not Ian, that's for sure. <br /><br />There was a 6 foot something black drag Mrs Clause with a shorter fashionable Santa, There were three drag Santa helpers and 5 full sacks of goodies. <br /><br />Ho Ho Ho. <br /><br />"Girlfriend, you going to just stand there or are you going to let us in, it is cold than a witch's tit out here!"<br /><br />"AHHHHH " I scream as I hug them all as each came in. <br /><br />The girls just stare as the Clauses come in. <br /><br />The sacks get put down by the tree. <br /><br />"Oh, these are the girls!" Mizty proclaimed and went up to each one. The younger ones except them all. The older ones step back and look with caution. <br /><br />"Freedom, Solace, these are my good friends from Boston. They are alright people." I said. They still look cautious. <br /><br />"They'll come around, they are your daughters after all, don't worry about it, darling" Eric said. <br /><br />"Look we brought Christmas spirits!" said JuJu Bee and she pulled out 4 bottles. "I hope we have enough?"<br /><br />Christmas just looked up. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/G7z-jjJT1B4&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/G7z-jjJT1B4&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />"Do we get to open the bags now?" Charisma asked and all the girls nodded in agreement.<br /><br />I looked at the adults. "One present, the one that is under the tree. Everything else will be tomorrow morning. "<br /><br />A chorus of "Awwww, Ma" came from adults and children alike. But I figured what was in the bags were a lot better than the clothes they were about to open. <br /><br />The girls opens their clothes and were slightly disappointed. <br /><br />"No go to your rooms and put your new jammies on, than we will finish with our night with out friends." <br /><br />With that they rushed up to their rooms. <br /><br />"I have a few extra rooms , PLEASE stay." I said back to my old gang. <br /><br />"Sweetie, you don't have a choice!" Juju Bee said<br /><br />"We weren't going to leave without seeing the gifts opened." Siouxie said with a kiss to my cheek. <br /><br />"You actually have a fireplace! Any chestnuts?" Barbie said<br /><br />"This is so absolutely country! Darling, we have to say we went on holiday in the country for an old fashions Christmas!" Mizty said to Eric as they were all settling down. <br /><br />"I am happy you are all staying, and yes, I do have chestnuts, we have a chestnut tree. I saved some for tonight to roast. Luckily for me, some is about 10 pounds."<br /><br />Cheers went around the room. <br /><br /><object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/A5ECXb0Xquc&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/A5ECXb0Xquc&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object><br /><br />"Let me find some glasses." I said as I ran around the kitchen. <br /><br />"And what time is Christmas mass, Butterfly?" Mizty said so matter a factly. "Oh darling, Eric, go get the bags."<br /><br />"Mass? We stopped going to church." I am busy looking for glasses so she can;t see my stunned look. <br /><br />"I NEVER miss Christmas mass! It is the only time I catch up with my lord and savior, he wears a dress , too, we have a lot in common. So we are all going to Mass, do you understand me!" Mizty sounded a bit miffed that I would suggest we would not be going.<br /><br />I got the glasses and the idea of drag queens coming to the little odd church with the star if David in it on Christmas sounded very appealing, everyone likes a Christmas surprise , right?<br /><br />"9 am, plenty of time to get ready after opening presents or should we open presents after church?!"<br /><br />"9 am is early, I think we should open them after" Eric decided. <br /><br />"Then it is settled." The girls returned to a bunch of ahs and ohs from the queens. "Girls presents will be opened after church tomorrow."<br /><br />Hot Chocolate, wine, Rum and chestnuts were served. We all broke out in song. Mizty at the piano, me with my guitar. We haven't sang in this room since Ian left and this, I must say, was far more fun. <br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/S-nug0r_OEU&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/S-nug0r_OEU&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2OmHfBFEhxE&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2OmHfBFEhxE&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZIIp3VtvGH8&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZIIp3VtvGH8&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />And some stories waited for the girls to go to bed. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/uBhw64Nr07U&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/uBhw64Nr07U&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-48248525037272088772009-12-26T14:36:00.001-05:002017-05-28T09:47:35.402-04:00Mother should I build a wallThe Crystal affair left me in a high even after he left to be with his family for a week. His father had past and he needed to make arrangements and help his family as any good son would. <br /><br />I offered to go and help. But in reality we didn't know each other well enough and I was now part of a world he never wanted his family to know about. <br /><br />We left with a hug and a kiss and promises to meet up again after he returned.<br /><br />Eric helped with the bar tending and I made a bit more money with my singing. <br /><br />Time flew that week, first part of the week letting loose my carnal desires and the second with my head in the clouds. It's Saturday again. <br /><br />As the girls are finishing up their set Mizty at the microphone says "Hey, people, don't forget we are open during the long holiday weekend, so don't be a stranger. Strange is fine, a freak is better!" He made a meow sounds and some lude moves. <br /><br />I laughed. <br /><br />Than thought ' what holiday weekend?!'.<br /><br />"Have a great Labor Day if we don't see you again! And if you are drunk, don't drive. Seriously we have numbers of cabs by the door, and the door boy wont let you drive if you are drunk."<br /><br />Labor Day, shit shit, school, shit shit, Labor Day, shit shit school. Fuck, I got to get home. Cindy's going to kill me, I asked her for a few weeks. It's been a month. Shit. I am turning into my mother. Shit. I want to stay here. Shit just call me Bobbie. <br /><br />I must have had a weird look on my face and for some time, I didn't see the show end fully, I didn't see the people leave, I didn't see people cleaning up. I didn't see Mizty and Eric in front of me. <br /><br />"How long the girl been like this?" Mizty asked Eric<br /><br />"Since you made the announcement about driving drunk." <br /><br />Slap. Across my face a black hand with well polished nails.<br /><br />"Shit, Labor day, Shit, School, Shit, Kids, Fuck!"<br /><br />"Ah" they said together, and looked with a knowing smile "she remembered she has children. "<br /><br />I stopped my chant.<br /><br />They looked at me. <br /><br />"Child, if you didn't wake up soon we were going to do it for you on Monday morning." Eric said. <br /><br />"Yeah, we I was a little girl, first day of school was the day after Labor Day." Mizty said <br /><br />They looked at each other again. <br /><br />"I gotta go!" I said. <br /><br />"You gotta go, than go, after supper though." Eric said. <br /><br />We went home to the flat. We cooked, we ate, I packed. We exchanged addresses, and their phone number, as I don't have one. I counted my money, enough to get through winter with. To get food. Some clothes for the girls. Some oil for the tank. I drank lots of water to flush out the booze. <br /><br />We hugged by the car. We invited each other to each houses. I made them promise to visit. And I started home. It is 3 am and I am going home. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/LFpfureaCVs&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/LFpfureaCVs&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />The drive took two plus hours to get home. The dawn was coming up on the ride home. I could see it in my rare view mirror. I felt I was running away from the sun, from my own happiness. Logically one would not want to run into the darkness. The thought that I was being just like my mother, running away from my children to start a happier life snapped me back. They will never understand how much of myself I am giving up for them. And in the end I think they will despise me anyway, it is the nature of children as they grow to dislike their parents for the things they did or didn't do. But in the end we will have each other and I will not hate me. Some sacrifices are worth the price that is paid. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/XnamP4-M9ko&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/XnamP4-M9ko&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I pulled into my long drive way. Cindy's car was there covered in dew. I could hear the sounds of the chickens. It was so quite here. I forgot. I don't hear the girls. I go up to the door and unlock it. I can hear people sleeping. Mercy always snored since she was a baby. I resisted waking them all up for my sake. <br /><br />The house is a lot cleaner. Some changes were made, furniture rearranged, new pieces here and there. And is that a new t.v. in the corner not too far from the other t.v.?<br /><br />I got out the griddle. I got out the ingredients for pancakes. I started making pancakes. The noise woke Cindy first. She came out of my room with a baseball bat.<br /><br />"Hi sis." I smiled at her "Want some pancakes?" I said as I handed a plate out towards her. <br /><br />"Hi sis?! You left a month ago! You said a week or so! You needed som time to digest Mom's death! A WEEK!" She was not happy. I expected she might not be. <br /><br />"SHHHHHHH. You'll wake the girls with a start with all this yelling." I smiled as if we were just normal sisters having a normal argument. Not me having to take my medicine for leaving for a month. <br /><br />She glared at me and breathed in deep. I could tell she was about top yell louder. <br /><br />I cut it off quick. "So did you get to bond with the girls? They are great aren't they. Smart and loving. " I smiled as if we were really having a normal breakfast conversation. I finished setting the table and flipped pancakes. <br /><br />"BONDING! YES they are loving and smart and wondering where there mother was. I THOUGHT I WAS ABOUT TO ADOPT THEM!" She is getting loud again. "HOW COUDL YOU? do that to them? What kind of mother are YOU?!" Now she is in my face.<br /><br />"What kind of MOTHER am I?! I came back. That is a lot better than Bobbie ever did for me! She abandoned me with those nasty people in the middle of nowhere and started another family and became perfect mom of the year with YOU! Tell me? How much did she leave you when she died?" Now I am glaring at her. <br /><br />"Mom was a great mom! How much was left to me is NONE of your business! I can;t help it if you were a mistake! Don't diminish MY MOTHER!"<br /><br />"So unlike me, she never dropped you off at a relative's house you never meet and never came to visit you, she didn't tell your siblings you don't know of that you were their aunt and she didn't have sex around you? Damn, you missed out on all the fun! I but her pet name for you wasn't Ugly , either! You poor neglected girl? Hey, how much did she leave me? Or my girls, her granddaughters she never saw!"<br /><br />We were in each other faces. She was as judgemental as our granny. And I was trying not to be Bobbie, but man my rage over all those years was coming out, unfortunately the sister with the charmed life and the perfect family is the one who got it. <br /><br />"HOW MUCH?" I demanded to know. <br /><br />"NOTHING."<br /><br />"I can see why she wanted to forget about such a throw away person like you. She wanted forget she had such a demon spawn. I can't help I was born with a perfect face and after she was done with the drugs, I can't help you were the product of a teenage runaway and a drugged out hippie. Someone who would so easily forget her own children and abandon them with a stranger."<br /><br />She was being very self righteous right now. <br /><br />"You were not a stranger, you were their aunt. A family they didn't know they had. I left them with FAMILY, not a STRANGER. "<br /><br />"MAMA!" the sound came from the entrance of the kitchen to the hallway that lead to the bedrooms. It was my girls. <br /><br /><br /><br />I smiles and went over to them, hugged and kissed them all. <br /><br />"Don't fight!" Mercy looked at me. <br /><br />"Yeah, you are sisters! You are not supposed to fight all the time. You are not supposed to make each other hurt!" says Solace<br /><br />"Right, Mum? Sisters are not supposed to make each other cry. Isn't that what you always say?" Freedom added<br /><br />"AHA" Charisma chimed in. <br /><br />"Yes, yes, you are right. Right, Auntie Cindy? Sister's aren't supposed to hurt each other." I look over to Cindy. <br /><br />She tries to hide her anger and pain. Just as I am doing. The girls never knew what my mother did to me. Never knew much about my childhood beyond the good things I told them about hunting frogs and Moses. Freedom doesn't even know the name of her father. Nor the circumstances of her birth. Since I made her a British citizen as a baby she didn't even know she was born in America. Even the girls born here I made British citizens. <br /><br />We sat and ate breakfast. They missed my pancakes. <br /><br />"Girls go get ready for church." Cindy said when we finished. <br /><br />"Church?" I said, not really wanting to go back. <br /><br />"Yes! Church, we go every week." She said back to me. <br /><br />Church was odd, as normal. I could hear whispers about me. <br /><br />"She back?!"<br /><br />"I thought she left for good. " <br /><br />"Those poor girls! Why couldn't she just stay away. I wonder if that nice Cindy is going to leave now."<br /><br />I looked each one of those bitches in the eye. Being with Queens taught me a lot about self respect. You know backstabbing bitches seldomly want to look you in the eye. <br /><br />As Church ended the preacher reminded us of the church and town fair and bon fire the next day. <br /><br />I was surprised I made it through church without passing out. I didn't make it much mast the living room without falling asleep on the couch. <br /><br />It was dark by the time I woke up. Cindy and Freedom had made Sunday dinner. Roast chicken and veggies. The smell woke me up. Solace was on the small t.v. and Charisma and Mercy were on the big one. <br /><br />"Hey, " I said to Cindy as I got up. "I;m sorry I was driving all night. I didn't mean to fall a sleep on you."<br /><br />"Hey, your home, that's all that matters. " Cindy smiled back at me and the girls. <br /><br />"What's with the small t.v.?" I said, not really understanding why we needed two, never mind two in the same room.<br /><br />They all laughed a little. <br /><br />"O.k. let me in on the joke."<br /><br />"That's a computer." Charisma said. <br /><br />"O.k." I said examine it. I never had one. I saw one. But it wasn't something I really cared about. <br /><br />After supper I got caught up on the Internet, and when the phone rang, I found out Cindy also paid the phone bill and got it turned back on. It seems from opening my mail, all the bills were caught up too.<br /><br />I had some crow to eat. Cindy said it was alright. <br /><br />I explained all the money I made when I was gone. First thing she wanted to know was if I did it legal. I just told her I played gigs. I didn't explain where or who I was with. Too much. Hell I finally got her to see me a a normal person again. <br /><br />In the mail was also a note from Kim. With a check. It seems since no-one can contact me he , as my relative , negotiated for a company to use one of my songs in an ad. This was lucrative. Enough money for some solar panels. It would take care of a lot of my energy problems for the year. I know most people would go spend it on a new car or something frivolous. But I am always thinking about the long term tomorrow. This is country life. I am back in Mama mode. <br /><br />The next day we went to the fair. We all had fun, we all were a family. The girls signed me up for the talent contest.I sang it with all the attitude I had in the clubs. I didn't care that I was in a small town. <br /><br />I didn't care that no-one here liked me and wished I'd stayed away. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Ja5chQMyNmg&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Ja5chQMyNmg&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/TaHMG_SvUkw&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/TaHMG_SvUkw&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/sLmqjcYtH3c&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/sLmqjcYtH3c&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Oh, I liked to mix it. <br /><br />And the towns people, well it seems a lot of them liked my music. <br /><br />I lost. But true enough the winner was a cute little girl. I got second prize. <br /><br />"Hey Emma. I thought you were just great!" Tom said as he came up to me all smiling. <br /><br />Tom is a bit older than me, by about 5 years. He is about 5 inches taller too. A bit of teddy bear. He is one of those normal guys that tend not to talk to me, ever. <br /><br />"Thanks, Tom." <br /><br />"You should be yourself more often. Seems like someone or something turned on the Emma light while you were gone." <br /><br />"Emma light?"<br /><br />"I got it from a movie I saw once. It means it's better to be yourself than trying to be someone else. I guess." <br /><br />"Thanks, Tom." I smiled at him. <br /><br />A second later my girls came and dragged me away to watch them in the sack race. <br /><br />It was a good day. We were all tired. <br /><br />Cindy told the girls at supper that she had to go and might not see them for a while. <br /><br />Tears ensued. Promises to keep in touch via email and phone were said. <br /><br />The next day was the first day of school and Cindy and I got the girls off to school. After the school bus left so did Cindy. <br /><br />I got cracking on getting some solar panels with Mercy by my side. <br /><br />Life is so different than a week ago. All my time is spoken for again.Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-28067056980224292372009-12-25T23:16:00.001-05:002017-05-28T09:47:35.376-04:00I need a manThe next week I gave up on the idea of a one night stand. <br /><br />The guy at the bar and finding more solace in the bartender was making things clearer. We find comfort where it comes, not where we look for it. <br /><br />Or like I have become fond of saying in my head: "Boys are stupid."<br /><br />I still played the other bars a few nights a week and came back to the gay bar at night or played before the shows. I made good money. And got lots of hugs and cuddles from the boys and girls of the club. This seemed good enough. It was more than I had had in years. It reminded me of something all humans need. Without it we become distant, detached, and plainly unable to connect. <br /><br />Love. Sex. Why we crave it? Well, why I craved it. Human connection. Not even pleasure. Since pleasure is but a means to connection which is my real goal . Now I understand, such an aha moment, the love the boys and the girls who are boys give me works. It works on so many levels. <br /><br />Anyway, getting your time of the month is a great time to say "forget getting laid, I need a cuddle.". <br /><br />Cuddles I got. The bartender made sure of it. Though every night he got a little more grabby. I think he was just making sure they were real. My girls, that is. <br /><br />Finally, Saturday came, my Aunt Flow left. I was feeling myself again. I must tell you sharing house with a boy pretending to be a girl and being a real girl with real girl things happening was a little odd. I found myself trying very hard to hid the evidence. Triple bagged it. Stuffed it under bad food in the trash. Mizty still manged to figure it out quickly. <br /><br />"Honey, only women bleed!" He smiled "You need to stop acting like a girl with her first blood."<br /><br />And Eric laughed. "I almost forgot about that. She's right Honey, don't be ashamed you don't have a penis. What did you think we were going to send you to the lesbians for a week?" He laughed again and kissed me on the cheek. <br /><br />Almost a week past. <br /><br />Tonight is Saturday night. It is warm outside, the walk through the streets from the gay club to the singles bar I was playing at was a pleasant one. I was all revved up to try again. Visions of men parts and naked arms in embraces went through my head and I hardly noticed the mile walk at all. It is still about 76 degrees is this arm late summers night in Boston. <br /><br />I got to the bar, streaming with beautiful and not so beautiful people, mostly under 30. I was feeling a bit old. But I snapped out of it, so what if the homme du jour is a little younger, as long as he knows how to use his equipment to my satisfaction. <br /><br />I sat up at my stool, took out my guitar. I began to play some songs to set up the mood while looking for perspective prey. I feel like such a hunter and the sings work for the crowd anyway. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/FR4uhkreOMQ&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/FR4uhkreOMQ&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/3teqpIT2S4g&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/3teqpIT2S4g&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />The funny thing about this bar, is that most of the patrons are white. I see a few bigger girls in the audience. You know they need some attention too. I had to play a song to remind the men not to ignore them. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/tuFbePO72gE&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/tuFbePO72gE&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Funny in a more mixed race crowd this would not be necessary, but it seems to work, I see some men asked them to dance, and boy, are they enjoying themselves. I love to see that. It is getting me into the mood even more. <br /><br />It seem the magic of music , the whipping the air into a lusty potion worked. For them. Not me. They all paired off. There were some older gents left. But I am not about to go that far older than me just yet. <br /><br />I fell good anyway. Being turned on. But I was the magician in the middle, I was Mickey Mouse, making it all happen. All the mops dancing about. There is a good feeling to that too, even if I was not involved in the end results. <br /><br />The tip glass was over flowing by all the happily horny people who left and that was a wonderful bonus. Got paid, by the owner, and headed back to the Cabaret. That's what it is called by the way. Simply The Cabaret. <br /><br />The walk back was still warm and pleasant. The summer haze of the city obscured the stars, but I was sure they were there, at least I remember when I looked up to see them and I could see them. Just not here. I feel briefly that I should be someone where else where the stars are very clear and bright and there are not car sounds at midnight only that of animals on the hunt for some tasty unsuspecting morsel. <br /><br />The sounds of the beginning of the last song of the show shooed the thoughts out of my head. <br /><br />Chrystal, the blond busty bartender, smiles at me and hands me a drink "this a something I have been toying with, hope you like it?"<br /><br />"Thanks, beautiful." I smiled back and started sipping, fruity, Malibu, and very delightful. " It's good, what do you call it?"<br /><br />"Butterfly. I am glad you like it, otherwise the name would have been awkward." he winked at me as he went to the other side of the bar to get all the drinks ready for last call.<br /><br />When last call was done, Chrystal came back to me with my last Butterfly drink. " So, no luck again tonight?"<br /><br />"Naw, but that's o.k.. I set the mood for a lot of other people, sex is in the air."<br />I said really meaning it.<br /><br />"Everyone but you? Been that way here, too."<br /><br />"No luck for you either?" I smiled at him.<br /><br />"Ah, none of them my type, beautiful." He winked at me in a playful way. <br /><br />"Back at yeah, beautiful"<br /><br />The people were all most out of the bar. <br /><br />"Play me a song while I clean up, wont you?" Crystal asked lovingly. "You know how much I like your music, sing me a woman, sing me something hopeful, sing me something sad."<br /><br />"You don't ask for much Crystal, do ya? Is Janis o.k.?"<br /><br />"Always."<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9NRzxu_Hak8&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9NRzxu_Hak8&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/epIkcR6oM2Y&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/epIkcR6oM2Y&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/bWY-NarOq3o&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/bWY-NarOq3o&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />By the time I was down with the last song he was sitting by me. The bar and tables all cleaned up. Mizty was still not ready. I put my old guitar away. <br /><br />"That was beautiful, Honey." <br /><br />"Thanks. Glad I could be of service." I said with a smile. <br /><br />I sat back down back down next to him. I cuddled into his arm. Dressed as a woman or not, I was still small compared to him and his arms are still strong. He just has boobs bigger than mine in the way. They do make good head rests. And so they have become my favorite pillows of late. <br /><br />I stretched up my neck to kiss him on the check like I usually do and he met my lips with his. First I thought, 'our lipsticks will clash, I am not really a pink lipstick person'. The second thought was 'This is not just a peck' as our mouths opened up. <br /><br />Time stopped in there for a while. My first real kiss from a man in years and his lipstick clashes with mine. <br /><br />Mizty proclaimed "Now that is the way to kiss a transvestite! You could give lessons, Baby!"<br /><br />I broke out of my spell. <br /><br />I looked at Chrystal and then to the girls all watching us.<br /><br />"DAMN!" Chrystal proclaimed with his lips pressed tight. "Ahhhhh!" And again he presses his lips and a tear ran down his cheek. <br /><br />Mizty looks at him over top to bottom and laughs full bodily. "Oh, doll, did you just pop your tape?"<br /><br />The rest start giggling.<br /><br />"Tape?" I am confused, by more than tape. "Wait, Chris, aren't you gay?" <br /><br />"Baby girl, he popped his tape for you! What do you think?" The Asian queen, JuJu Bee, said. <br /><br />I just looked confused. <br /><br />"The tape to hold his winkle down, for that all so smooth girl like muffin instead of the bulgy boy look that poor Chrystal now has." She giggles at his pain as she wiggles like a girl. <br /><br />"I'm not gay!" Chrystal said as he came close to me again. "I like girls, so much so I like being a girl, but I am still a man. And I like you." <br /><br />With that he leaned in and kissed me again. <br /><br />A chorus of "awww" came out. <br /><br />"Let's work this out at my place, o.k." He said with a smile. <br /><br />Off to his place we went.<br /><br /> I was so used of seeing him as Crystal that without the wig, without the makeup, the short cropped hair and shaven body we very odd to me. He has to convince me a bit he was still Chrystal, the one who loved Janis Joplin songs. <br /><br />I must say we had fun exploring this for the next few days. <br /><br />Detail would be pornographic, and a lady doesn't get that crude. I will say I felt loved and connected to the rest of humanity and wonderful pleasure. I felt like a sexual being again.Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-74314739844930752422009-12-11T22:47:00.007-05:002017-05-28T09:47:35.428-04:00Across the UniverseTime flies when you are having fun. And I have tried to breath in every great smelling man in the club and remember every second of the reemerging me. I know this time will be over all to soon. <br /><br />Ever feel that way? You realize the storm lays beyond the horizon, you know you want to stay safe and warm. You try the best you can to rejoice in the warmth of the sun, but your knowledge of the storm lingers in your mind.<br /><br />I have been here a week.<br /><br />Now about this time I realize I need to go back. I also have a overwhelming feeling if I do I will die, my soul will shrivel and my body will follow it down that hole. That feeling helps me stay here and convince all my good seances that Cindy was raised in a way I was not. A very normal way. I tell myself this will be a good experience for the girls. I tell myself "isn't this a great opportunity for Cindy to really get to meet and bond with her nieces?" I tell myself one more week, thing nothing more of children, you are not Mumma, you are Butterfly the musician, you are a magical being and you are free. One more week will not hurt anything. <br /><br />Anyway, I am working of sorts. The more money I earn, the easier it will be this winter to get food and clothes for them. At the club the owner has let me play for tips before the girls come on, as long as it is befitting of the beautiful queens. A lot of women artists. Before I leave the stage Mizty or another will come out and demand the patrons put money in my case. Oh, it works, you have a 6 foot something drag queen demanding you pay the little lady , they do. <br /><br />During the day I am in my old stomping grounds. I have even gotten one or two gigs here and there in other clubs this week. First week I made over $500. That money will go far back on the farm. I can't believe I have come to the point where that is good money for a week. This week I should make more with the club gigs I have.<br /><br />I put the girls out of my head for another week. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/JqRxi6G7Dro&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/JqRxi6G7Dro&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I have enjoyed the love and attention I get from the boys and girls of the club.<br /><br />When I started playing down the street for a regular pub, I was shocked at the difference in the vibe. <br /><br />I looked around between songs for possible shagging material. <br /><br />Man in his 30's at the bar. Well groomed. Not poor, at least that is what his clothes say. Dark hair , fair skin, white smile, fairly good muscle structure. I do one quick check of the hand. Nope, no wedding ring. This could be a winner.<br /><br />I try giving him the eye while singing. He seems to be into it. <br /><br />Good. <br /><br />Hey being around the boys has not made me forget how to act around the opposite sex. I felt all sorts of confidences come back. Between sets I walk up to the bar and sit next to him. He looks down and me and smiles. <br /><br />"You sing great, where did you learn?" He inquires with a smooth voice. <br /><br />"thanks, I learned from an old delta blues man."<br /><br />He looks at me like I just feed him the biggest line.<br /><br />"In Kentucky. I lived in Kentucky as a kid. There were some Blues bars down there. He was my Grandparent's neighbour." Something in there was akin to the truth. I smiled at Mr. Prospective Shag. <br /><br />He was in middle management. He was happy in middle management looking to climb the corporate ladder. It is good to be happy in what you do. We should all feel like what we do makes a difference. Even if it doesn't, or we are just cogs in the machine. We have to feel like a useful cog. <br /><br />Well he seemed well enough for a shag after the show. <br /><br />"You going to stick around for the second set?" I asked.<br /><br />"I wouldn't miss it." He smiled a confident smile back. "maybe we can get a bit somewhere after?" <br /><br />"Sounds great, I could eat something." A girl should never admit she is starving. I have been trying to save my money and not spend it on stupid things like food. And my new diet has me losing about 10 pounds. Oh I get feed from Eric and Mitzy. But with my playing that ends up being about once a day. <br /><br />I walk away, I can feel him checking out my ass as I walk away, I swing my hips some. <br /><br />I settle myself in for the second set. And just in case he forgot what might be on my mind, I played songs that would not let him forget. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/mG3GLy0tKQ4&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/mG3GLy0tKQ4&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/hXoRljXZwK0&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/hXoRljXZwK0&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ju9yFA1S7K8&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ju9yFA1S7K8&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />You know I got so into the idea of sex I hardly saw the women come into the bar and sit next to him. <br /><br />She was professional looking, tall and thin. She seemed so put together. Too put together for here. <br /><br />It has been so long that I forgot what the educate is when another is sniffing around your perspective shag for the evening. Was it a bar stool to the head, an slight dunking of her head in the toilet when I follow her in to the ladies, or was it the clumsy dropping the drink on her. <br /><br />I pondered these things when I saw him reach into his pocket and put on a ring before she could see. He saw me notice. He smiled a sly smile at me. She noticed me looking at her husband. And have me a "back off ,bitch" look followed with a " you are not even in my league" look for good measure. <br /><br />I looked at her and smiled. I waved and said And this one is dedicated to the lovely couple at the bar." <br /><br /> <object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/klhK_4evO5c&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/klhK_4evO5c&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />She stopped looking at me with disdain. I looked at her with pity. I was her once. Trying so hard to hold on to a man determined to stray. I wondered when she would stop blaming other women for his transgressions. But something in her eyes told me it was soon. Something in his laughter told me he would be blindsided by it. <br /><br />But in the end I left the bar without diner and a shag or a snog. <br /><br />I did leave with more money than I came in with. And that was good. <br /><br />I walked down the street to the now familiar dive, I hear the laughter and joyful song coming from inside. I turn in. The door boy, smiles and winks and lets me in. Eric sits at the far end of the bar admiring his beautiful mate. I sit next to him and give him a kiss on the cheek. <br /><br />" No luck in getting lucky tonight with the straight boys, huh?"<br /><br />"What?! I can't give my old friend a kiss on the cheek and a snuggle?" I smiled at him to tell him he was right. <br /><br />"Ah huh." Eric said with such attitude. <br /><br />"Leave her alone, Eric, poor girl had her heart tossed around a bit tonight. Or at least her hopes dashed." The bartender said, a tallish pretty blond queen. He has always been sweet to me. "anyhow, we all know what that feels like. Baby, what do you want, on me."<br /><br />"Surprise me, Beautiful." I said with a wink. <br /><br />"You do know how to make a girl feel good, Butterfly. Something fruity for ya, coming right up. "<br /><br />Well, they kept coming up, one fruity drink after another until me and the bartender were braking down men on the stage, my head on his lap, his arm around me. It is nice to be so safe, to have strong arms and no worries. <br /><br />After a while all I could think about was how perfect his nose was. <br /><br />Time to leave. Bid my shining white princess adieu and go home to lay my bones down.Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-22031160729437822302009-12-08T22:43:00.010-05:002017-05-28T09:47:35.358-04:00Dude looks like a Lady<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/7Jo0csRu3LM&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/7Jo0csRu3LM&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />The club closed at at midnight. <br /><br />I lost $20 to a lovely lesbian biker couple. My pool hall days never prepared me for them. They invited me to the gallery show opening of their good friend. It is something about women and pain. Something I know well. They also invited me to join them for the night. <br /><br />I agreed to the art and passed on the group sex. You have to love open relationships. I don't trust them. I don't ever wanted to be a third wheel. But it was nice to be asked. They were the first people interested in me sexually since Mercy was created, I am not even sure if then. It did make me feel a bit alive and that I am a sexual being again. I will always thank them for that. <br /><br />After the bar closed and the girls were getting into their going home clothes, Mizty asked me to play some music. Something soulful and dark, something sad and strong. Oh so much to choose from, but what does beautiful queens like? Oh they love women larger than life, so large that no man can dear contain them. <br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/dnYAkvCpom0&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/dnYAkvCpom0&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/8ffl3KxY3g4&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/8ffl3KxY3g4&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/kB7m_RwAoKs&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/kB7m_RwAoKs&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/avUXnAMpFoo&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/avUXnAMpFoo&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object><br /><br />"Now baby, you do know how to since the blues. Someday you will have to tell me why." Mitzy put his arm around me and kiss me gently on the check. "But not tonight, because, girlfriend we have got some celebrating to do , after part, it is my man's birthday!" He said standing and smiling making a large stage gesture with his arm like Vanna White to point out Eric. <br /><br />"Oh, man! Happy birthday Eric!" I jumped up and hugged him. "I'm sorry , I have nothing for you."<br /><br />"Nonsense, girl." Mitzy was right behind me and coming down to my ear. " He has been saying all day that the goddess of fairies brought you to him today. His birthday present was you. " <br /><br />" Then off to the after party we go!" I put my guitar away in it's case and strapped it over my back. "Hey wasn't your birthday yesterday" I said as I looked at the clock as we were going out the door. <br /><br />"Sweetie, the day doesn't end until I close my eyes and sometimes not even then, not where birthdays are concerned. " <br /><br />Everyone laughed.<br /><br />"29 is such a big year!" Mitzy proclaimed. <br /><br />"Yes , indeed, it has been for the last 10 years. SHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! the world outside awaits, fairies of the night." And with Eric's words we entered out into the alley to party on into the night from gay bar to gay bar. <br /><br />I don't remember coming back into the apartment. I don't remember getting undressed. I don't remember crashing on the sofa. I don't remember much more than leaving the to the alley from the last bar to be sick.<br /><br />Oh, my head. Make the world stop spinning. <br /><br />"Sorry, sweet Butterfly, I can't do that, you see the world would stop moving and who would I ever banish from the light?" <br /><br />I opened my eyes to see Eric. <br /><br />"Come to think if of it, I can think of quite a few people. We'll start with the republican party." He laughed at his own musing. <br /><br />"Did I say that out loud?" I got out of my mouth. Oh my mouth, did I pack a tooth brush and mouthwash? Oh mouthwash has alcohol in it. The thought made me nauseous.<br /><br />"Yup. And from the looks of you I better help you to the bathroom."<br /><br />Before I knew it I was in the bathroom making sick all over the place. <br /><br />There are some moments in your life that make you realize you are too old for drinking like Peter O'Toole and Richard Harris. They even came to that conclusion at some point. Though it does make for great stories you make up later. <br /><br />After cleaning the bathroom and myself and washing my mouth out several times with mouthwash, I emerged from the bathroom a new woman.<br /><br />Ah bright light, bright light. "Sun glasses, anyone have sunglasses?"<br /><br />This went on for more than a day. I will not bore you with the details but I did like being pampered, I almost faked it for a few more hours. But Mizty caught on quick when I could keep an egg down. He started batting me about with some sort of piece of his long silk scarf that made me stop. <br /><br />By nighttime I felt better. <br /><br />By nighttime I was expected to go back to the club. We went early as Mizty preforms in the cabaret. <br /><br />Mizty asks me to come along with him early. He needs to get ready for the show. He does so many divas. While he and the girls get ready, work out details, etc, he wants me to play. <br /><br />The owner likes the music. But this is a gay bar. A la cage au faux show. Not meant for the blues. The audience wants outrageous queens to go with their girls night out, bachelorette parties, birthday celebrations or first dates. They do not want to be brought down. <br /><br />He is fine for me playing for the girls, it makes them happy but lets me know once it is time for the show it is time for me to pack it up. <br /><br />The people file in and I go back stage, I put my guitar in Mizty's dressing room and stand off sides. <br /><br />The first night I loved watching her and the other girls. But now I love watching the audience react to them. I have gone up to shy women and told them to just get up there and give them the money. Tips like strippers in their fake bosom brazers. <br /><br />When Mizty comes out he transforms into the divas of old. <br /><br />Aretha was the first, the women went wild, so did the guys. But like Chrystal points out in every show, "All your straight girls, the boys all look pretty but they are just not into you."<br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/jeWRZmX-7dI&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/jeWRZmX-7dI&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />And that makes this the safest place in the world for a woman like me. Don't get me wrong, I want a man. I want a man like the faux divas are singing about. But I am not in the position to get one. And these very real men, in dresses, shower me with love and kisses. the safest place in the world, like I said, to teach me how to except the love from other adults without the fear of of my heart getting broken in the process. <br /><br />Eartha Kitt is a favorite of Mizty. She just channelled this great woman. <br /> <br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/l_nGu7VzreA&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/l_nGu7VzreA&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I Will Survive is many many women's, real and fake, anthem. All the women cheer and stand up. Dancing follows. Such a joyous song for us. It's a good thing the only boys in the club are boys. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2BSBe42Fb48&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2BSBe42Fb48&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />Oh I cheered all night and danced on the sidelines and watched the people in the crowd. There is something magical about being here. No one cares if I have a butterfly on my face, if my house if clean enough nor do they care if I have a few extra pounds. <br /><br />I feel beautiful. In every way. I see beauty in everyone here. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/tBMUJY9rx-s&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/tBMUJY9rx-s&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />After the show I played a while, as requested by the girls, while they did a meet and great with with people who hung around. A young man , so bright of spirit waits for the slight queen who looks way too much like the real thing. He takes female hormones so his breasts grow in natural. No fake tatas on him. Damn I wish mine looked that good after 4 children. <br /><br />The young man with the gleam in his eye, acts to cool as he hands her a $20. She excepts is with a smile and a peck to the cheek. He smiles and both know that is all he will get. But he is happy. He walks over to me and hands me a $20 too. I smile at him. And he smiles the sweetest smile. He is so nice. So real about his niceness.<br /><br />He was the first boy I wished was straight. I stood up and kissed him on the cheek. And he reminded me how much of a beautiful gay man he was by his expression of "awwwww". <br /><br />It was enviable that if I was here long enough I would start seeing the beautiful boys as more, but so quickly. <br /><br />I decided that night, I must find a straight guy for a one night stand before I leave. You may ask, why just a one night thing? Well simply put, I can't stay here for ever and I can't bring someone back to the girls either. I put my mind and fantasies into that and let the pretty boys flight of fancy fly right back out of my head. <br /><br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-nTX8zKzg_0&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-nTX8zKzg_0&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-7945180187266976182009-12-08T21:39:00.000-05:002017-05-28T09:47:35.433-04:00It's weird to be backI headed into Boston. <br /><br />I thought about a lot of things. Mostly about Bobbie. About how she died. About how final it was. About how young she was. Only 15 years older than I. About genetics. About me only having 15 years left to live. Well less than that now. Mercy will only be 17. Will she graduate before I shuffle off this mortal coil. <br /><br />I thought about how Bobbie gave me up so easily. I thought about how easy it was for her not to believe I existed any more like some childhood mistake. She didn't even ask for me when she was dying. She never once asked Cindy to find me and my children to see her one last time. <br /><br />Only in Hollywood do we believe that people repent for their sins on their deathbeds. Maybe they don't consider their sins sins at all. I wondered if I could have given up my daughters so easily, and so fatality that even as I lay dying for months I do not call out for them. <br /><br />Less than 15 years now. Let's get this party started. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/wMGcod6f00o&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/wMGcod6f00o&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I felt the years melt away as I approached my old stomping grounds. I had 200 dollars in my pocket and that was a lot more than I had back in the day. <br /><br />I found a place that was safe to park the car for free. This is not an easy task, it took some time. I found the T and road it to the commons. <br /><br />There I found my old place. The sun feeling great on my older skin. The freedom was lifting all those burdens from my shoulders. I hate to admit I let myself forget I had 4 little girls. I let myself just be me. I have felt so over burdened by single motherhood that I almost forgot I existed. <br /><br />But here I am, sun sitting pretty in sky, light breeze, swans, people of all races, and the smell of the city. Here I am. I am here. I am so in this moment of myself it over powers me and I forget to breath. I realize this as everything started to blacken around me. <br /><br />I open the case and take out my old friend. I leave the case open , for the donations of the patrons of the arts. I start strumming. Ah yes, I remember you here, old friend. I begin to play. I play a whole song before my voice wants to join in. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/mzNEgcqWDG4&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/mzNEgcqWDG4&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Ah but when I started, it was like I never left the park. People started throwing monetary homage to me. Well, me and the ghosts of soulful blues artists. I wished I lived closer to Boston where I could do this a few times a week. But it would cost me as much in gas as I would make. That would never do. <br /><br />The faces are not the same as before. But people are people. It was great to seeing all the younger people grooving to the older music. Rap was one style I could never get into. I am taking them all along my musical ride. And I am losing my years as I do. <br /><br />Hey wait. That face looks a little familiar. Older, but familiar just the same. But so many faces can look the same from people who live in the same place. On his arm is a very tall black man in 3 inch spiked heels. Oh he is also in a very pretty yellow dress. He smiles wide at me, I thought his lipstick would crack. Oh I like this one. And I have to find out where he gets that lipstick, I think it is my shade. <br /><br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/KBtN8h85F-I&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/KBtN8h85F-I&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />"Butterfly as I live and breath!" The familiar shorter-than-his-friend man said. The voice came echoing out of the past as well. I just looked at him try so hard to find him in my memory banks of my mind. <br /><br />He laughs. "Oh sweetheart!, You don't remember me after leaving your apartment to me and the boys and a month of food back in the 80's! Girlfriend, no-one knew where you were until this Queen from England came over and brought one of your records with her!" He smiles. Oh that smile. <br /><br />"AHHHHHH! Oh my god, ERRRRIIICCCCCCCCC!!!!!!!!!" I screeched as I threw my arms around him. <br /><br />I felt large arms around us both. "Hey I wanted some sugar ,too." He said as I looked at him with a smile and I kissed his cheek. "Oh , you so sweet!"<br /><br />The embrace lasted longer than any hug from a man I had had in the last 5 years. <br /><br />"Eric who is your lovely friend? And you have my album?" I said still beaming. <br /><br />"Oh darling, Lady Butterfly, this is Mizty." He smiles as he motioned to the lady. His actions over dramatically. <br /><br />"Oh the songs we played in the club years. You know that mother of yours came looking for you 2 days after that horrible little prick and his mother. Everybody looking for the baby. All they found was a bunch of boys, sometimes at play." he smiled wide. " Poor southern minds got blown wide open. One day a group from DSS came. Oooo we had some fun with her. We told her we ate the baby. They actually took samples of our poop. Funny Bitch she was. You should have seen what we did to her afterwards." He laughed a devious laugh and a twinkle in his eye went along so well with his hand gesture that said don't ask. "Never mind, don't ask, I don't want you involved." he laughed, we all laughed. <br /><br />I can just see all those uptight judgemental people coming to find me. This is how he reminds me. This is how the universe reminds me f who I am. That people did care. That I did belong. <br /><br />"My mother came?"<br /><br />"Yeah, she said that the boy's mother called her all upset. She said where ever you were, you should stay there." Things got serious in his voice. "When we realized you were in England, we didn't tell anyone. We were glad you got out. So how is your mother? "<br /><br />"Dead."<br /><br />"Oh, I'm..."<br /><br />Did I say serious? nothing gets more serious than DEAD. <br /><br />"I never saw her after I left. She never called. It was like she didn't exist, now she doesn't. No big deal." I said shrugging it off. I was trying to believe it myself. <br /><br />"Now, girl, that is your mama, and what ever did or didn't happen that is your mama and it effects you." Strong arms are holding me again. <br /><br />I smile and sit back down and start strumming again. <br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/XQ9NHHUSZxI&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/XQ9NHHUSZxI&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />As the sun started going down. I started packing it all up. Eric and Mizty came strolling by. <br /><br />"Hey where are you staying, sweety?" Eric inquired. <br /><br />"Ummm... I hadn't thought about that. I have a car. I don't think I made enough for a hotel room. I'll be fine." I said with a wave of the hand as if it was nothing. I really hadn't thought that far along in the plan. <br /><br />"Nonsense. You will be staying with us for a while. Until you get on your feet." Mizty said with a smile. <br /><br />I realized what I must have looked like to them at that moment in the park alone and singing for change. <br /><br />" Oh I have a house in the country. I only came to Boston to drop out for a while, get my head together and find myself again."<br /><br />"Drop in , drop , out and get high. Or something like that?" Eric and Mizty said as if it was rehearsed. <br /><br />"Too 60's of me?"<br /><br />"Did I call it with the mother thing, or what?" Mizty said to Eric in a in-the-know manor.<br /><br />"O.k., I will crash with you guys, um, ladies, um, lovely people. Where do you live anyway? " They both laughed at my stumbling over what to refer to them as. <br /><br />"This lovely small place, you might remember it." Eric smiled slightly.<br /><br />"My old place?"<br /><br />"My old place now, honey."<br /><br />"Did you change the lock?"<br /><br />"Odd question, but no."<br /><br />"Good," I pulled put the necklace underneath my shirt, I put my old key from my flat on it for luck. I can't believe I kept it all these years. "than this will still fit. If I knew that I could have been playing tricks on you for years. " I stuck my tongue out at him playfully. <br /><br />"Meant to be!" Mizty proclaimed. "Now get your shit together and we have to get ready for the club."<br /><br />First night back, and I am in my old home flat, with old friends and new ones and about to go clubbing. Yes, baby, I am back. This is what it is supposed to be like. <br /><br />We got the car to the flat and got ready for the club. Eric looking dapper, Mizty looking lovely and a bit over done and me , well I found something low cut in Mizty's closet.<br /><br />Ge got to the small club, It didn't take me too long to realize by the cute boy at the door, the women with butch tattoos and the queens on the stage that I was not going to find myself a man of my dreams here. Oh I did realize I was going to make a lot of friend here. <br /><br />Before I could turn around Mizty was on stage and the crowd was cheering wildly. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/4Iez2EjZFdE&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/4Iez2EjZFdE&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />That was the moment I realized as people smiled at me and I was cheering too: I am in the land of misfit toys. It was so nice to be home again, a tear of joy trickled down from my eye. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/CIhyQPixAsc&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/CIhyQPixAsc&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-30804117743858941232009-12-04T15:15:00.008-05:002017-05-28T09:47:35.381-04:00diamonds on the souls of her shoes,Cindy, my sister. Still in her 20's. She is well dressed, As in "those shoes cost more than my whole family's wardrobe". But that is not hard to do nowadays.<br /><br />She knows obviously, that I am her sister. <br /><br />This fact hit me first. <br /><br />"So, you know I am your sister and not your Aunt? When did you find out? And why no sisterly love before this?"<br /><br />O.k. so at this point I was thinking how I could have used a sister since Ian left. I could have used a babysitter every now and then. I could have used a shoulder to cry on. My kids could have used a stable person around while I was falling apart. <br /><br />Yeah, how long did she know?<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/wSnghcGigzY&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/wSnghcGigzY&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />"I tell you our mother is dead, and that is what you have to ask me?" Cindy vex perplexed. Her brows and furled and she looked at the ground to me to the sky to the rolling hills. "Don't you care?"<br /><br />"I care more that you know I am your sister. I care more that you weren't around. I care to know how long." I said quickly. <br /><br />She seems upset. Real upset. I had all but forgotten she and her brother existed, I almost forgot Bobbi existed. Occasionally I wonder what happened to them, whether or not they were still alive. But the thoughts didn't last long and they were far and years between. <br /><br />"She was a mother to you, I get that. But you need to understand, she was not to me, nor was she that sister she pretended to be either. I didn't loose a mother, but knowing I had a sister who didn't care to contact me until now, that is a slight more important to me." I looked her straight in her harsh looking eyes. "I a, sorry for your loss, but I lost her a very long time ago. I thing it was about 8 months and 29 days before my birth. I hope you can understand my life has been very different from yours, from what little I can remember of you." I sighed and she softened. <br /><br />Cindy sighed heavily too. <br /><br />"I realized when you called Granny, Grandmother. I heard them talk hen they thought I was asleep. I heard Mother on the phone when you had the baby." she looked towards the car. "Your first baby." she corrected herself. "I picked up the other receiver. I heard about your brother. But after that, after that... I was young. Very young at the time. I kept it in the back of my head. When Granny died I hoped to talk to you at the wake or funeral, but you never came. No-one talked about you. When I asked where you were, I was told nobody knew." She said looking me right in the eye. <br /><br />Well this seemed like a emotional sister conversation that I had seen other sisters have. I smiled. She looked confused. I hugged her. She seemed confused. <br /><br />"Just like real sisters. " I said as I let her go. <br /><br />"What?!" She recoiled back a little<br /><br />" We see things different just like real sisters. " I smiled. " we argue the point like real sisters." I smiled again. "I could use a sister."<br /><br />She smiled a little, not sure what to think. Here begins the awkward silence. <br /><br />In the awkward silence my daughters came out of the car. The came and stood around me. They looked at her. <br /><br />Unlike my for-mothers, I don't believe children are imbeciles or deaf. I know they are very good listeners. <br /><br />"This is your aunt Cindy. " <br /><br />They all looked at her wide eyed. They have gone through a lot of aunts and uncles that are no longer here. They are removed from family so easily. It is the story of almost every divorced kid. At this moment being torn away from the commune made me realized I knew this feeling too. From then on you precede with caution. <br /><br />"Hello, girls." Cindy said as she bent down to little Mercy and smiled. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/MB26L8nbRiw&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/MB26L8nbRiw&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />That was the beginning of my crazy month. <br /><br />Some times you have to take time out in your life to have a crazy time. <br /><br />Now I know what you might be thinking, what was all that bathtub gin about, seemed pretty crazy. Naw, that was just coping. And there is nothing like your mother dying to put just coping over the edge to crazy for a while. <br /><br />If I had someone to watch the girls, I probably would have gone crazy after Ian left. I couldn't afford to. I had 4 babies. One of them literally a baby. <br /><br />Now I have Cindy. I took some time to digest everything. Away from the girls. <br /><br />Cindy caught me up. Cancer. Brest. Genetic kind. 6 months ago. No-one told me. No one called me. No one tracked me down until 6 months later. <br /><br />Cindy finished up her schooling in Boston. Sandra. Sandra was watching over her, keeping tabs on her. She finally told her she should look me up. She should hunt me down since we lived in the same state, than slipped her my address. Took her another 6 weeks to do it. <br /><br />I should be upset with Sandra and Carol for not telling me. They told Cindy it was her responsibility to tell me. To find me. To make some links back. They were right of course. <br /><br />After a week at my house, after making calls to Sandra and Carol, I figured it was safe enough to leave the girls with Cindy. She was taking time off between school and life. She just broke up with her fiance she had at school. In the end they wanted different things. Nothing earth-shattering bad. She was looking for something that would take her mind off it, so many reasons why we end up where we end up, the right thing done for other reasons, still turns out to be the right thing. <br /><br />She doesn't really know anything about me beyond the girl she saw so many years ago and the woman, single mother, 4 girls, slightly a bit of a train wreck she sees before her. Everything in between didn't happen, didn't exists, she never knew butterfly. It is funny , we only see people as what we see them at during that moment of time. It is hard to see them as anything else. I think that is why it is so hard to change. When people put you in a role, they like you to keep playing it. Even yourself. You get caught up in it. Role of a lifetime. This is why moving is so popular among women in my situation. You get to get a new role of a lifetime. <br /><br />Best place to go crazy? Not in the town you live in. Hell no. Find a city. One far enough away you are not about to meet up with the townsfolk. <br /><br />I kissed my babies goodbye. I pack my old steel guitar and a small bag with a few changes of clothes. Boston your my town. I remember how free I felt there. How bound I felt there. But mostly how young I was there. Crazy is the gift of youth and old age. You are allowed to be off center without too much judgement. In between we yearn for pieces of its sweet freedom. <br /><br />Well that was my plan when I drove to Boston that last summer's day, to go crazy for a while, try to recapture my youth. Hell I promised myself I wouldn't even look at a mirror fir the time I was there. <br /><br /> <object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/OafqYNCzq5U&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/OafqYNCzq5U&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-44898016242102389032009-11-17T21:20:00.012-05:002017-05-28T09:47:35.397-04:00I wish I was in heaven sitting down<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/F1FQqSGxBso&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/F1FQqSGxBso&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />The girls all washed and in their Sunday best. For the first time for Sunday church. <br /><br />I had past the church in the center of town many times and thought little of it other than a good example of the stone architecture of the time. It always struck me as strange it had star of David in the middle of the left tower. The first time I passed it I thought it was amazing we had a Temple in town. I was assured it was the First Congregational Church when I asked where the knishes were at the Church bazaars and picnic the first year we were in town. <br /><br />For the record they didn't know what a knish was. Nor any other Jewish food I asked for. At that point they thought Ian married a Jew. I just went along with it and tried to invite the pastor over for the Sador. He bowed out gracefully.<br /><br />Ian and the girls were the only ones who got the joke. Though there were less girls back then. <br /><br />Some years later I did tell his wife it was just a joke since no-one seemed to think an star of David was unusual for a church. She was shocked to hear it was a Jewish symbol. It must have been there so long no-one made the connection. Funny how it takes a stranger to notice something you see all the time. <br /><br />People , passers by have always pointed out to me things I never noticed about myself in my youth. I yearn for those days again every now and again. It seems everyone I see now I have seen for years and there are no strangers around sent from some celestial place for wisdom to filter through. <br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/P6u_Mg9J-PQ&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/P6u_Mg9J-PQ&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Back to church. We, of course, got there 5 minutes late. Last time I did this , I was the kid. There is no better way to make an entrance in the local small town church than to arrive 5 minutes late with a bunch of load questioning girls, the kind of questions you don't want resonating through a silent Church. Questions like " what is church and why are we going?" "why do we have to be quite?" And my all time favorite from my oldest "shouldn't you still be asleep at this hour, mother?"<br /><br />And me, tired and weary, and yes, usually at this time I am still sleep this time of day on a Sunday, instead of being embarrassed in front of most of the town and all of the town's gossips. <br /><br /><br />The preacher had stopped what he was saying as I was trying to slip into church with my noisy bunch. He waved us in. I took the road of pride and walked us to the middle of the church instead of the back of the church where I was hoping no-one would notice us. No chance of that now. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/M2DWvcT5cW4&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/M2DWvcT5cW4&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Fidget was the word in my family for the next hour. An hour of constant correction. The one thing going through my mind "why do women who have children put themselves through this?" why did my grand mother with all those kids do this? I do remember she didn't care after a while, when I ran away. When I left to catch frogs and learn from Moses. She didn't realize after a while I was going to church with Moses' family. <br /><br />Oh no, the thought of genetics came to mind. These girls are all mine. How can they do anything but fidget. I braced myself to see if any would bolt out the door. <br /><br />About that time the preacher preached about a sows ear and a silk purse all while looking at us. How flashbacks of my grandmother's church was coming to me. Filtering through my mind in between the hushed words to Solas and Freedom. The words of hatred and condemning those Jesus would have loved. <br /><br />I really don't think Precious really meant this for me and the girls. <br /><br />Then something strange happened. <br /><br />Oh nothing like Mother Mary coming down to make my girls perfect angels, but something that threw me just the same. <br /><br />Preacher talked about hidden talents. About other loves. About people not being what they seemed. That people had lives before they arrived. that people are different than what you believe them to be. <br /><br />Then he came down to me and asked me to come up, <br /><br />"take for example, Emma, here. " he said to the congregation " How many of you know she was a musician? or that she even record an album in Europe? Oh I am sure you were aware of her husband's musical career..." <br /><br />I was so proud of my self for not interrupting him to point out that Ian was my EX husband, as in former and no longer. <br /><br />"But Mrs McEwing here, is a musician in her own right, and they meet when he was he back up musician."<br /><br />He stopped to let that all soak in. <br /><br />"So I have asked Mrs McEwing up here to see if she would grace us with a song or two this morning as our Mrs. Benoit is unable to play for us due to an ailment. It must have been God himself who directed Mrs McEwing here today with her daughters to fill in." he smiled and brought me a guitar. <br /><br />How can you say no when GOD HIMSELF brought you to church to fill in. Maybe in more ways than he knew. <br /><br />I tuned the unfamiliar instrument. I wish I had my old steel one for this. But I make due. I tuned it to my satisfaction and sat down on the chair the preacher fetched for me. I sang two songs. Old ones. I avoided looking at the town's people before me trying to get my old mojo going. Just like the old days with Moses. <br /><br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/QuHyRyM97d4&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/QuHyRyM97d4&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/r9SENzRLk_M&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/r9SENzRLk_M&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I must say, it felt great to sing in front of people again.<br /><br />I noticed the town folk in front of me. They looked shocked. I don't think they were used of the blues or gospel. I wasn't sure what to make of them. Strange people, don't know what good music is. <br /><br />The preacher smiled at me as he retrieved the guitar and the chair and put them aside. <br /><br />"If I am not mistaken, Mrs McEwing, that was examples of the blues you learned growing up in the south."<br /><br />I smiled back and said "Yes, I would often play in church in my youth." I really wanted to say "Will you stop calling me by Ian's name AND IT IS MS SMITH, the name change came with the divorce decree." But I didn't, I just smiled and looked meek as I walked back to my pew. My girls were smiling at me. <br /><br />Damn, Ian must have told him a lot about me.<br /><br />"Mama, you sing good" Mercy said in her little voice. That was all the justification I needed for the day that I still had it. <br /><br />As we left the church the preacher asked us to come back, "Don't make yourselves strangers to God's house. " he said. <br /><br />The jury was still out on that in my head. The ride back home was nearly uneventful. Mercy did ask who my husband was. It made me laugh. Freedom quickly said we don't talk about that. We really don't talk about that in our house. I realized she really had no clue who Ian was, how could she, she was only a few weeks old. And the next youngest, Chas, she barely could remember some vague man who was around and than not. His loss. I kept saying that in my head all the way home. It pushed out any feeling of the blues I had for them not having a father. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/8PuIH472464&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/8PuIH472464&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />When we got home a woman was there. Blonde, thin, bright blue eyes with freckles. Much younger than me. <br /><br />"Can I help you? Are you lost? " I said as I told the girls to stay in the car and I ventured toward her.<br /><br />"Are you Dani?" <br /><br />"That was a lifetime ago." I replied. Been decades since someone called me that. <br /><br />"Where is your birth mark?"<br /><br />"Under my makeup? Do you need to see it for some reason?" Now I was getting annoyed. She doesn't seem like some long lost fan. I could only think of the millions of ways this young woman has come to mess with my life. <br /><br />"You don't remember me?" she said hopeful.<br /><br />Now I was starting to worry for my children. "Sorry? Should I? " I said as nonthreatening as I could. " I have meet a lot of people over the years. Maybe a hint?" Though something about her reminded me of someone. I couldn't put my finger on it, but what ever it was made me very uneasy and worry for my children.<br /><br />" It was a long time ago. I suspect you wouldn't. I was only a little girl." She looked to the ground "No easy way to say this."<br /><br />"Well, easier if you just spit it out and let the chips fall sometimes, I find." I replied in a friendly voice, hoping she wasn't carrying a weapon.<br /><br />"Mom's dead, sis."Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-50275813520708422132009-11-14T17:49:00.008-05:002017-05-28T09:47:35.423-04:00I'll never let go of your hand<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/GyKZtiZDH8g&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/GyKZtiZDH8g&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />During the months after the awaking the gavel coming down brought me to the sleep of of a whole different kind, a waking dream of me sleepwalking. My mind not wanting to really accept He didn't love me. He never loved me. I was that easily replaced when too old. All those promises were lies. The children I created with him were nothing. Not made of love. Not sacred. <br /><br />It would have been easier if I had some friends. I seemed to have isolated myself here on this hill, in the farmhouse so old and wooden, so many years ago. I brought my children to a place to be raised of frogs and chickens. <br /><br />I forgot all but those fun things small farm towns had. The remembering everything else was the hardest part. In the beginning it didn't matter really that I wasn't accepted for the talented, creative, mysterious, loving, kind, curious, magical person I was. All they saw was the mark of my freakishness on my face and my rock star attitude. None of the rest. I tried. They just couldn't see beyond their own preconceptions of me. But unlike when I was a child, I had a man, we had a plan. We had a family. And they could go jump in the big ole lake that housed a town at the bottom of it. <br /><br />That attitude didn't help when you are without a man. Now I am the freaky bitch who couldn't keep her man. Some of the older women in the shops gave me that look of pity as I try to wrestle my girls out of their stores without too much incidents. It is considered a success if it is under a half hour and nothing gets broken, with one girl going this way, Freedom holding another , another goes another way and Freedom bitching about the child she is holding. <br /><br />I don't like going to the stores. Not that I have the money for it. <br /><br />Money. That child support that was ordered came regular for the first few months, then, then... well we all know how this story goes. You get some here and there. when the mood strikes him or he feels guilty. Having children with no friends or family to watch them means mama don't work. <br /><br />So small town in the boonies and not one outed gay man about for me to lay my pitiful head on his shoulders equals one sorrowful pitiful Emma. <br /><br />Yup, I dropped the Butterfly crap for the locals, trying to fit in, you know. <br /><br />Nowadays. I find myself making bathtub wine, in my spear time and finding the occasional extra change for Malibu to drown my sorrows in. <br /><br /><br /> <object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ksbaPmRDa60&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ksbaPmRDa60&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I yearn, in my time of my eyes closing tight, for arm around me, I can almost remember the feel of Ian's around me as we danced or as I made dinner when he came up from behid, not to mention the times in the bed, I have such a hard time thinking of it as making love any more. <br /><br />In those times, I awake to believe it was all a bad dream and I forget he is not here. His side of the bed as cold as the day he left it. It comes rushing back as I begin my day. <br /><br />Midsummer's night. <br /><br />Oh how I miss England. <br /><br />All the stories of magical Fae. <br /><br />Where ecsentric is just a quirk of nature to make life more interesting. <br /><br />Oh England. Where my only family lay. <br /><br />I think. <br /><br />Last time I talked to Kim he said he wished me luck and love. He said he wish he could over here and solve all my problems but... oh I hate that word, it is like it negates everything before. Not that I blame him. He said we both had families. He said we both had responsibilities and his keeps him in England. He now looks for talent like his step dad did. He has 3 children of his own. Though he did end with: " you are always welcome to come back home, the wife can help you with those beautiful girls of yours. And if I ever see Ian again, I will make good on my promise made on your wedding day. Luv ya sis, got to go."<br /><br />I can't blame him and sometimes I think about selling off the farm and moving back home. But, we are both adults now and he shouldn't be having to take care of me all my life. He was my white knight once. He has a woman and children who needs his protection now. <br /><br />We called every now and again. When I couldn't afford the phone bill so that put the end to that when the phone was shut off. <br /><br />Midsummer's' night.<br /><br />Warm and cloudless. Stars that went on for ever. The fireflies tries rival the stars for my attention. They hovered and swirled in their lover's dance. <br /><br />Me and my wool blanket full of sunset colours. We bought it out west when we went to the Navajo reservation. I wanted to see if Suzie was still there. She wasn't. It is funny how you go to a far away place to find your past and realize that it vanished and all the players moved on. We stopped at a trading post found the blanket for our bed. The man behind the counter recognized my butterfly. Joseph. He sold trinkets to the tourist. He got grown up with a family. Funny he was still a boy in my head and I still a little girl in his. <br /><br />The blanket I should have burnt it. I could not. More than Ian it reminded me of Joseph. I can't get rid of one of the memories with out the other going up in smoke too. <br /><br />I have my old steel guitar and a bottle of Malibu. <br /><br />The were girls asleep, I locked the doors and went to watch the moonless night under the old apple tree. The moss under it is soft and cushy. <br /><br />I play old blues songs of lost love and heart ache. Most of them by men. I fell asleep when I could stand no more about how when are so wrong. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Iw3AsxwqxJc&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Iw3AsxwqxJc&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />"Wake up , child!" I heard and it felt like someone kicked my butt. <br /><br />"Girl! I said wake up your lazy good for nothing butt up!"<br /><br />Damn all this yelling I rise from my sleepy drunkenness. <br /><br />Damn I must be drunk. He sounds so familiar that deep old voice. <br /><br />"Now don't you be treating that child like that, Moses, she's got the blues something bad." A soft voice said.<br /><br />I got to my elbows and tried to focus on what was going on. <br /><br />"Moses?" I said. Slowly figures seem to come to focus, illuminated by the fireflies and glowing against the night. <br /><br />"Who do you think it is? Denzel Washington?"<br /><br />"How do you know about Denzel?"<br /><br />"Oh child, I am dead I am not uninformed! And especially not uninformed about your foolishness!" Moses said in that very scolding tone I heard only once or twice. <br /><br />"Moses!" <br /><br />"Oh Precious, you see this foolishness this child has gotten up to! Don't be Mosesing me."<br /><br />"She has been going though a lot. But darling, it is enough now. Those babies need you! You are their mother and that Freedom of yours, she's having to grow up too quick. You are hurting that baby of yours."<br /><br />I looked down. The bottle was empty. The words stung. "I just don't know what else to do."<br /><br />"You be a MAMA! How hard is that! I taught you better than this, child. You are being as bad as that mother of yours and those grandparents who couldn't care less for you. " Moses word made me cry. <br /><br />"Baby, tears wont help those girls, you SHOW them that you LOVE them. You pick yourself up, brush off your derriere and get back to raising those girls right! It wont hurt to take them to church, too. You got any good Baptist preachers up here? "<br /><br />I started laughing at Precious words. "I think I am five steps beyond church. No Baptists here only judgemental white women wearing pink sweaters."<br /><br />"Oh, child, We had those down south, too. White or coloured folk, those pink sweater ladies are more judgemental than any good Christan should be. BUT that never kept good folk like you and me from going to church. Your daughters ever been to church?" Precious said. <br /><br />"Not all of them." I looked back down to the moss under my hands. <br /><br />"Than you better get them there. It is Sunday morning after all."<br /><br />"But you are just a midsummer's' nights dream." I shook my head. <br /><br />"We may be a lot of things, girl, but it is time for you to get your ass up and get those babies to church. Here comes first light." Moses points to the east and indeed I see the sun rising.<br /><br />"Not much time to make breakfast and get those girls dressed." Precious said in such a loving voice.<br /><br />"But I... is this all you have come to me for? To scold me? I am so lost."<br /><br />"You are lost. So I gave you a kick in the butt to show you the direction home. Don't make me do it again!"<br /><br />I sat up straight now covering my butt with the solid ground.<br /><br />"We love you baby, that is why we came. You do what you are supposed to, trust in the good Lord to take care of the rest." Those loving words Precious said as they faded into the sunrise were the most kind words I heard in a long time. <br /><br />I got up grabbed my guitar and blanket and bottle went into the house.<br /><br />I deposited the bottle in the trash and started making pancakes. <br /><br />I have made pancakes every Sunday since. <br /><br />The smell of pancakes woke the girls. I set the table and explained they all needed to get dressed after they ate in their finest clothes. <br /><br />"Why?" Freedom asked more bratty than curiously. <br /><br />"Because we are going to church."<br /><br />"What's church?" Solace and Chaz asked<br /><br />"You'll find out. And if we like it maybe we will go back some more."<br /><br />They started scampering off to their rooms to change when I heard "I love you Mummy" and I realized I have heard those words all this time. It just dawned on me that every day I was showered with love I just wasn't willing to except it because it wasn't the kind I wanted. <br /><br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-42NzUuUlLY&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-42NzUuUlLY&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-33619249562841737642009-11-05T22:41:00.004-05:002017-05-28T09:47:35.392-04:00Feel Me<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/dbTaaS90q4A&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/dbTaaS90q4A&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />The track to justice is full of pitfalls, traps, snipers and highwaymen. It is the best way I can describe filing for divorce and child support. <br /><br />I remember hearing me men friends over the year talk about the "leaching women using the system with their free lawyers meant to milk men dry". Lord knows I tried but could not find anyone like that to help. I stood in long lines with people who gave me papers to fill out and when asked a question told me to hire a lawyer or that I didn't want it bad enough. Once the legalize was filled out than they wanted money for this and that fee. There were no free leaching lawyers. I can see why after all this women are so hateful by the time they see the men in court.<br /><br />Oh, than they make you wait. And wait. And wait. <br /><br />You want it over yesterday. You want it all gone so you can start over. You think that once the judge bangs the gavel it all magically disappears. All the hate and love and resentment and good and bad memories and the extra weight while we are at it. <br /><br />So I spend about a year going from crying to hope to eating too much ice cream to not eating at all to eating ice cream again. I don't remember much more from that year. I wish I did. It was like my mind was turned off and my survival primal brain took over. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ohiRxoakhog&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ohiRxoakhog&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I looked through my closet and found the most respectable dress I could find. One that said I am a responsible mother. I am not a unstable emotional bundle of nerves who can't keep a man. Funny enough it is the same outfit I go to funerals in. <br /><br />I put my war paint on. First a heavy base. I still have some of my old stage make up when I wanted to cover this mark of wings that don't work. My eyeshadow and lipstick so unlike me, so unbold, so unsluty, just like the pink sweater ladies brigade that dislike me so much. It is what people want to believe is an honorable woman. I look like them. Well a rounder version of them. <br /><br />As I look in the mirror at a reflection I don't recognize I tell myself I will lose this extra pre divorce depression weight off to the out and about divorcee slimmer me like I used to be back before I knew Ian. <br /><br />Walking into the courtroom is like walking into a tomb. <br /><br />The walls and stairs and column. All stone cold. <br /><br />It seems so silence and dark. <br /><br />Oh wait that is me, I must remember to keep breathing. <br /><br />I wish I took something to kill this pain. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/s7yABFmmIeU&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/s7yABFmmIeU&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />But I didn't because I didn't want the judge to think me an addict. But As I breath and sound comes back to my ears so loud I do feel like I imagine detoxing must be to a heroin addict. The sweats start. This make up and funeral suit are so hot with so many people. <br /><br />I make it to a seat. As sight and sound come back more firmly I look over and see that all familiar face. I smile instectively. He doesn't see me. His is the only face that I recognize. It has been a year. <br /><br />My mind goes to those places I would not allow it to go before. All those years. All that love. all those babies made. Seeing him hold his first child. Gleaming with pride and love.<br /><br />The love. I get so caught up in that feeling. Like seeing an old friend again after a long time. Some silly spat you don't remember quite what it was about. Like time to move on with the feeling you had once, a love so strong you can forgive some little trifle thing and get back to being a family. <br /><br />As I stood I could see him in my waking dream beg the judge time to talk to me, to save is marriage, his family. He realized he made a mistake. He realized that some loved were greater. <br /><br />Then she walked in with his son. <br /><br />The son I could never give him. <br /><br />Not gaining an ounce for the trouble. <br /><br />He smiles at her and kisses her as she sits with the boy in her arms. <br /><br />His lawyer whispers in his ear.<br /><br />I tried not to hate him. I tried not to let pain back in. I tries to hold on to the love I just felt. <br /><br />I don't remember much of the time there after that. The Lawyer, "blah blah blah" and " so you see he has a new family to support, she has her own means, she has the house, give her no more" and more "blah blah blah" and "loves all his children, this woman kept him from them" and more "blah blah blah".<br /><br />If I had a friend to stand with me, maybe I would have remembered more. If I had a friend who asked me later at a pub I would have told them just that.<br /><br />In the end I only ended up with $1000 a month to live off of with the 4 children. Not all school age. Meaning I had no way to go to work. Not that there was much work where I lived. Small towns don't tend to hire the town freak. <br /><br />I walked out of the cold cold court room after the clap of thunder that was the gavels strike. I was trying so hard to hold on to the images of the past. I tries so hard not to cry. I made it all the way back to the car. <br /><br />With all those nasty things his lawyer said about me, I wonder if he remembered any of the past at all. He had moved on. <br /><br />I came to realize all my best days were behind me. I had no clue how I got to the pub. I have no clue how I got home that night. I remember paying the babysitter who wanted double for being gone so long. The next thing I remember was waking up with my old guitair wrapped in a blanket on the deck sitting in the Adirondack chair. <br /><br />Though I could have swore I saw Moses put the blanket around me. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/EsCyC1dZiN8&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/EsCyC1dZiN8&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-23569035476039985682009-10-26T23:20:00.008-04:002017-05-28T09:47:35.370-04:00Little Pink housesI should take a step back, maybe a few. <br /><br />How many children do I have now?<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Freedom, I had her at 16. Than I meet Ian. <br /><br />I married Ian at 19. Ah what a beautiful wedding. An old Scottish church made of bricks, men in kilts as far as the eye can see. Ah, good times. SO young so blissfully blinded by love. Everyone should try it once. And once you tried it you want another taste. <br /><br />The next year I gave birth to Sòlas, a girl with Ian. It is a Scottish man's name, in fact it was his granddad's name. He promised him before he passed, while I was pregnant, that he would name the child after him. On his death bed this promise was made. There was no getting out of it when she was a girl. In a way it went with Freedom's name. It meant Solace. She was born on our first anniversary. I never ever got a night out on my anniversary. Solas came birthday came first. As any mother would do. <br /><br /><br />I still went on the road with two babies. Or should I say: Emma loved watching them. Most of my gigs were no more than two day trips. Never too much of a burden. She got her fill of little kid time then gave them back. Meanwhile Ian and I partied with the boys, played with the boys, made friendships of people who later became much much bigger than I ever would. <br /><br />2 years later I had Charisma. And she was full of it. Laughing eyes and gleaming smile. She always got away with murder.<br /><br />On my 23rd birthday Emma and Ian's mum , Rose, sat me down and had a talking to me about making babies than spending so much time away from them. Tough love. They decided not to watch the girls any more. It was either hire an au pair or start roping in my music carrier for a while. Honestly we tried to go on the road hiring baby sitters for the few hours I was on stage. That was until she lost one of them and than Sòlas ended up on stage with us. Children have away of letting you know it is time to throw in the towel. <br /><br />This meant Mama and Papa could not go on stage together. We had our times on stage alone while the other stayed home. It was about the time Chaz ,Charisma, was 2 that Ian felt America would be a better place for us. Land of opportunities and we could get an au pair he said. We could tour again. Make our way.<br /><br />It turned out better for him then me. The idea that it was the woman's duty to give up her career was more a fundamental institution in America than it was were there was a Queen and a female PM. I stayed at home with the girls and he played all over the country. I told myself I was happy. I loved my children. What woman wouldn't love to spend all her time with her children. What kind of woman chooses her happiness over her children? Oh lord I tired. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/zzW3rb57Ks0&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/zzW3rb57Ks0&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />And Ian? He wanted a son so bad he could taste it. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/QUE5fc7eiWk&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/QUE5fc7eiWk&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Three years later I had Mercy. That was one month before I told him to leave. I am sure all the hormones helped. They had not calmed down. I found myself in the dead silence of the old farm house. No help. No money. And than the baby cried. I have no clue have we have survived since. I am sure if I stopped and thought real hard I could. But when ever I stop I have a panic attack. It is like a shark, if you stop swimming you die. But damn you know I want to float for a while. <br /><br />Two months later his girlfriend bore him a son. <br /><br />Where did that leave me? <br /><br />Defiantly it closed that door. More like it got slammed shut in my face and bolted many times over from the other side. Funny how one son outweighed 3 daughters and one stepdaughter you raised as your own. <br /><br />When I received the birth announcement out it was my 27Th birthday.<br /><br />I never opened another thing he sent to the house for me or the girls. I have a draw in my dresser I put them all in. They slowed after the first 6 months. I put them behind my vibrator. The girls NEVER get past big Bob. It is strategically placed. My sister in law sent it from home after she heard Ian left. <br /><br />All my girls had a small butterfly birthmark somewhere on their bodies. A little piece of me they will carry on. I told them all this was me always watching over them. At first they all thought it was neat. Their mother always there to care. Later not so much fun thinking of your mother always watching. <br /><br />Now at 32, I find I have lost the chutzpah of my youth. I looked for it everywhere, even under the couch where the killer dust bunnies dwell. <br /><br />I'm 32, Freedom is 16. The same age I was when I had her. I am glad to say she has no intention of getting pregnant and has a pocket in her purse for condoms. 'Just in case'. I told her I would rather her be responsible if she was to have sex than bring me home a baby because she couldn't talk to me about it. I thought I was being hip, hell I partied with the boys in England. It was the place to be for music in the 80's. Androgyny was the fashion and anything goes was the code. Not to mention the stories of the friends I lost to AIDS. No Glove No Love. I drilled it into her head. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/qzfo4txaQJA&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/qzfo4txaQJA&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />No mater how hip your mom is she is still your mom handing you condoms and talking about penis and respect. Freedom ran from the room. She screamed first . Said she hated her name, so I didn't have to worry about her ever getting a boyfriend since I cursed her with a freak's name.<br /><br />I live in a small town here in New England. <br /><br />All the women are expected to act the same. Stepford women. Was Stepford in New England? That would explain a lot. Than again, I do believe that it happens everywhere. I was just not used to it. <br /><br />All who don't will be punished. By the pink sweater ladies. The Soccer Mom Brigade. They demand you follow their lead. You will be assimilated. Borg women. Well you get the point. <br /><br />These women must of been those girls in high school. You know the ones, they set the fashion if you didn't follow you were ridiculed. I don't think the archetypes from school ever go away. I wonder if we ever really change that much from that time. I am still very much the freak. <br /><br />It all started when I was trying so hard to fit in with those other moms. I even put on pancake makeup and a pink sweater. In kindergarten and first grade all the kids go to each other's birthday parties. It is obligation. The parents size each other up. <br /><br />One day this very preppy couple with smiles and perfect hair tell me "We you know the children have to go to soccer no matter how much we hate it." And the smiled and nodded at each other and they looked at me in to agree. <br /><br />I smiled and nodded. <br /><br />"What team is Charisma on?" The quarried.<br /><br />" Have sign up started?" I smiled hoping to end the subject.<br /><br />" They were last week. But the coach is over there, he can get her on the team now. They called the coach over, and the next thing I knew I was 50$ lighter. <br /><br /><br /> I sat on a football field and cheered. They saw right through my disguise. They called me silly when I called it football. That's why they are the soccer moms, they have no clue how rough the stadium seats are in football. There are no prim and proper women looking down on you. Though I would love to have the money to take them all to a football match in England and watch them try. I wonder how they would get the blood stains out of their lovely pink cardigans? <br /><br />I am evil sometimes. <br /><br />These women never left New England, some not even the state. <br /><br />I decided to pity them and ban "soccer" for my girls.<br /><br />It was better this way. Even if I was out $50 and had a sweater I would never wear again. <br /><br />The down side was that when our party came no-one came. Later a few people came, but those were the kids labeled freaks as well. <br /><br />I always considered we had more fun. Freedom felt herself outcast for who she had as a mother. The thought has had me weep from time to time. Those times usually around the birthday parties. She wants so much to be part of what everyone else is. Past the initial shock of having no friends at the parties the other girls Flowed in colours of their own personalities. Content in who they were. Freedom desired the bonds of social conformity. I have to say I could not understand this. This must be her father's DNA. At least musicians crave the freedom of their music. <br /><br />I wish I could teach her this. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Xgcxd9wtXUE&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Xgcxd9wtXUE&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-32068251720376569012009-10-24T11:40:00.006-04:002017-05-28T09:47:02.043-04:00The years of wine and no roses.... a butterfly story.The years seem to fly. <br /><br /> Here I am. I am. The shortest sentence in the world. It is a statement and a questions. <br /><br /> The flowing hills hue of faint blues in the morning fog seems ethereal in it's beauty. I love my back deck in the early morning hours. I am wrapped in a pendleton blanket of fiery autumn colours. It is chilly this morning as summer has crept away in the middle of the night like a lover good at that one thing but nothing else that lingers on your mind. Well maybe two or three. But you get the point. New England Summers go by all too quickly. <br /><br /> This big old adirondack chair used to be bigger when we moved her eight years ago.<br /><br /> This is my time. The few hours I have before the children wake and start demanding my time. It seems I have no time left for me. I felt this way back when I was touring, but looking back, that was all me time.<br /><br /> My mug is filled with a good stiff coffee, Irish coffee. I place it on the table. All the while thinking it is almost time to put this furniture in the barn for storage. <br /><br /> I pick up my old steel guitar. You know this hour or so by myself makes me think too much of what I don't have and what has been left in the past. Here in the morning mist I feel so lonely. My children cure that, when they wake and the world comes alive with the force of a hurricane. But this time. The time I can't help but think I should be sharing the morning coffee and mist with. Knowing looks and caring eyes from the opposite chair. But there's no-one there. <br /><br /> There hasn't been anyone there for 5 years. In my mind I can see him sitting there. Sometimes enjoying the peace with me. Sometimes playing a song to me. Sometimes playing a song with me. <br /><br />Now I play alone. When the mood strikes. <br /><br />I play the all too familiar notes. Old friends them now. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ONXp-vpE9eU&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ONXp-vpE9eU&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /> You know sometimes you get to a point in life when you feel all the best times are yesterday. When you can not come up with one reason to look forward to tomorrow. You know that yesterday will be the same toil as tomorrow as will be the next day. In other words: WELCOME TO SINGLE MOTHERHOOD. <br /><br /> As I sit here and play the song I think about what brought me here. <br /><br /> I told him to leave. I wore it as a badge of honour. I TOLD HIM TO LEAVE. What I didn't say is that I was saying it to him as he was leaving out the door anyway. He was walking out on me and the children and walking to that groupie with sky high boobs. Ones that had not nursed four children. She had a vacancy in the head as well. <br /><br /> Yes, I allow myself bitterness. Especially when his words about her being so much more agreeable than me and that I really let myself go over the years. He said he was still was young and deserved better.<br /><br /> After 4 children I had gained 80 pounds. Some how it crept up on me one every child after Freedom. With Freedom food was scarce. That makes it easy to keep your girlish figure. After Freedom food was plentiful. I had means. I had a career. A modest one in Europe. I never did much in my home country of America. Where U2 and Frankie Goes to Hollywood came over in the 80's my sound smacked too much of the old blues and what happened in the 60's. I remember Robert Smith and I talking over coffee with his wife. Oh how they loved those old songs. Funny how you can not be appreciated until you are walking in a foreign land. <br /><br /> The royalties did allowed me to buy this old farm house on 30 acres here. Not much else. I actually have a a small farm. Didn't I run away from that life so many years ago? <br /><br /> Funny sometimes you run away from things and than you become a mother. You remember all the healthy things that the boring sticks and country life can offer. I wanted my children to know what it was to sneak up to a frog and chase a chicken. There are some simple pleasures of childhood that are missed in city life. Here, though in a semi country life the city and ocean are not that far away so I could keep my balance. <br /><br /> England was home for so long. Ian, he wanted to make a go of making it here. So we moved here. He became a studio and back up player to other front men when I was not going over well. <br /><br /> That made me.. well a house wife. That was all fine and well... Oh who the hell do I think I am kidding? I am not housewife material. I am adventure girl and take my family along for the ride kind of woman. <br /><br /> In my new chained life, Ian looked at me differently. I was told "Hon, why don't ya make some food for us, you wouldn't understand this music stuff." He actually said that more than once. The others would laugh. They didn't know me. They didn't know that was my guitar on the wall, not his. They were Americans. Living the life I was more than aware that woman were not worth anything, especially when the word "Mum" got called out.<br /><br /> I was not some groupie. I was not some hanger on. I was his wife and now I had all his buddies in our marriage as well. Some would say even in front of me they had a tart they wanted him to meet. They talked of these woman as meat. They traded them around like woman borrow shirts from each other.<br /><br /> After all that I still knew he was different when he sat in that that other chair. I would have my Ian back for a brief moment in the days he was home. But those days were less and less. And the last few weeks he did sit there he was not there. It was not him. He had already gone. <br /><br /> "MUM!" <br /><br /> "Out here, little one."<br /><br /> My youngest child comes out and cuddles in my blanket. She looks up at me with her bright blue eyes and freckly face " When are you going start making pancakes? It's Sunday." She smiles.<br /><br /> " I guess right now."<br /><br /> " Can I have chocolate in mine?"<br /><br /> "I think I have some chocolate chips around here, but you have to have Apple pancakes, too."<br /><br /> "Oh, Mum!" <br /><br /> I am about to walk back into the house when I hear a car come up my gravel driveway. I look over the deck as the red sports car comes to a halt. <br /><br /> "Bloody HELL" I say as Ian climbs out of the car.<br /><br /> "Who is he?" <br /><br /> "No-one, Mercy, go inside. Get warm. Get all the things I need for the pancakes out. " I push her through the sliding door and shut it behind her. <br /><br /> "Hey Butterfly! No-one! I'm the damn father! You let Charisma know that!" Ian seemed upset at my dismissal of Mercy.<br /><br /> " That is MS SMITH to you! And any one who can not tell which child is which does NOT get to call himself the "DAMN FATHER". You haven't seen them in 5 years. You have no right..."<br /> <br /> Before I could finished "Same old Butterfly, still a bitch." Came out of his mouth. <br /><br /> I turned and walked back into the house. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/xgvVFv2jiL0&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/xgvVFv2jiL0&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-63523596628205224232009-10-16T21:43:00.007-04:002017-05-28T09:47:02.222-04:00That which is in the past....She remembers everything. <br /><br />It can play like a movie in her mind or on a blank white wall if she is creatively bored enough. This happened a lot in school. Her teachers could be less than inspiring. Now it is Supervisors and trainers and corporate types at work brings out the creative boredom of her childhood. Isn't always seem the most uninspiring people tell other what to do and how to do it. Intelligence is her friend and half being in the present and half in the past. <br /><br /> This ability to relive the past with the recall of the DVD you have watched over and over again would have been great if her life was filled with more good times. <br /><br /> She wonders how others deal with the walking past, for quite honestly it was starting to bring her down. <br /><br /> So she goes to a preacher to find the answer. He told her to pray for an answer. She does not believe he really understood the query. She prayed when she was a child about it and the cosmic voicemail told her god was away on business.<br /><br /> She went to one of those New Age gurus. They sold her a whole bunch of stones some represented male and female parts. When that didn't work, she was told she was not ready for the answer but if she wanted to get there she could buy his book. When the book enlightened her not, he said she had to take his seminars in the woods were Indians used to do their sacred ceremonies. That was before he bought the land and kicked them out. His new age retreat center was far more profitable . And as she was told that no-one reaches enlightenment unless you paid for it otherwise it doesn't mean anything. She ran out of her entertainment fund and did not feel every entertained. <br /><br /> She ended up in this therapist office full of fake plants and magazines of Pop Psychology. She suspects you can find new neurosis in the waiting room, job security. He sat her down and explained how other people deal with living with the past and present merged together: they don't. He explained they simply don't see the past that clearly. It fades over time. He said she was special and offered the suggestion just to watch the good ones. <br /><br />After a month she got tired of all the repeats.<br /><br /> She just let's the past come as it will now. Strange little turn of a phrase from a conversation as she walks by strangers waiting for the bus or the odd look her co workers would give would set the past replay again. Old lovers waifing back into the present like the the man on the train who passed wind and blamed the blind girl's dog. She wonders if they ever think about her like this. She shakes her head each time that thought crosses and remembers what shrink said. They don't. <br /><br /> Can you walk or even wake in multiple worlds at once. She was proof time was only how you perceive it. She hates the people who say things like : keep the past in the past or any of the many other says that said the same sentiment. She , more than most, saw that the past effected who we are today. Or in other words that she prefers : they who forgets their past are doomed to repeat it.<br /><br /> She has had the good judgement not to fall into that trap. Unless she wanted to, that usually didn't last long. As if if we know how it will turn out that we would try it from another way. When she saw the same pattern emerge she would walk away. No need to have remakes of the same story. <br /><br /> One of her past lovers was a past walker, too. Their fights were glorious. Each one recalling their side and transgressions against them so perfectly. Ah but time and transgressions are unfortunately all about prospective. This union, no great sex could save.<br /><br /><br /> Yet another lover remember almost nothing clearly. Yet was determined that she lied about the events constinly. He drove her to the brink of madness. The Part about how he knew his memory was faulty and hers was not is what really drove her crazy during those times. <br /><br /><br /> She finally met a person who thought about the future only. With this one she would stay with. It was good. The processes of bringing him to her was nothing but looking forward. He was her child. The child balanced her out. She taught him to remember the past. He taught her to look towards the future. Together they lived happy .Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-60589673641928018562009-09-28T06:52:00.006-04:002009-10-03T08:23:44.140-04:00Quit Bugging MeI always considered myself not the most emulate cleaner.<br /><br />I have seen worse.<br /><br /> I have also seen more women who have dedicated their life to the fight of filth.<br /><br />I have nothing against them. My mother was one of them. I also seen too many hours waisted on trying to have the spotless house at all times. Time we could have gone out to play, we could have gone to the local harvest fair, or just down to the beach, but the house was not clean enough for her. <br /><br />She would have been disgusted if she lived long enough to see me now. <br /><br />It was actually her death at what I considered a relatively young age, 57, that woke me up that maybe I should spend what little time I have left enjoying life. Since cleaning did not give me pleasure in anyway but I don't like a smelly sink nor bugs, I do it begrudgingly but only at a minimum.<br /><br />Oh, and there is that habit she hated: I throw almost nothing away. <br /><br />Collections of papers from important days in my life. I am glad to say those are a bit out of control. Mental note, let's change it to taking out a clipping with the date, the most interesting story in each paper to represent these days of my life. I can do that on a rainy day where I have nothing else to do. Honestly I have said this to myself for years. I should explain in southern California there are very little rainy days. I spend most of them cleaning house, which leaves little times for my important day clippings scrap book. Always on a back burner, as they say. I will get to it , maybe when I move to Washington. I understand it rains quite a bit up there.<br /><br />Well my collections are more than that, there are the frogs. I miss the rain and the frogs I used to chase as a child in the south. There was a lot more rain there too, but I am not moving back. But it is funny when you collect things like frogs, or pigs, or angels or even Disney memorabilia, every one you know gives you one for your birthday or Christmas or when ever. You get over run with them. It is no longer your collection. They wanted to be special. So you keep them. You would hate for them to come over and know you got ride of their frog and therefor getting ride of your connection to them. I have kept them all. Even from the people who are no longer in my life and the only good memory of them is their frog. I keep them. <br /><br />I had a book case full of them. But that got over run quickly. When my daughter opened her wings and flew away I made her room the frog room. She came back once, she was upset that everything was not how she left it. I told her it was unrealistic to believe that time stops for those you leave behind. She said she understood that part but she thought it should have taken more than a day to do it. I do remember it rained the day she left. <br /><br />That was my last big rainy day projects.<br /><br />Where was I going with this? Yes. I wanted to explain I am not a messy person who keeps plates of food all over the house or cat messes on my floor. The box never smells for long. The first whiff and I change the box. My little furry children want for nothing. I have two. One white, Sol, and one black, Luna. I have a blog about them with pictures and videos. I photos shop the clutter out of the background. I find people can be so judgemental on line. They remind me of my mother. If my mother had the Internet she would have been one of the women, when not cleaning on line. When not on line cooking and cleaning. None of them leaving there house for anything but church and food shopping. All other shopping are done on line. That reminds me I have to track that package from Amazon, I think they delivered it to the people across the street, again. They keep telling me to walk over and ask for it back. I keep trying to explain across the street is a meth house. Some people are just that safe to knock on the door and asking for entry. I wonder if they have meth houses in India? Maybe next time I should say they are gang lords or terrorist. No, than I would sound crazy, maybe I do already. <br /><br />Back on track. So the other day I came home from my daily stroll around the neighbourhood and say hundreds of flies. House flies, not those pesky fruit flies. I had a melt down moment. I shut the door. I hurried to the hardware store and bought 2 packages of the fly strips. 6 should be enough. I went back in, opened the fly-strip , put one over the sink. But that wasn't doing much. SO I opened one up and just swung it around. I was a fly hunter. So proud I caught 47. Yes I counted. I threw that strip away and repeated my actions. Hunting them with the flypaper roll. One more filled and tossed I opened another and left it on the light. Darkness had come and I tired. I had got the majority and they were all centralized to the kitchen. I am safe for now. I left the light on to attract them to the fly paper. I will deal with this tomorrow I told myself as I went to bed. <br /><br />The next morning I woke and decide to get to the bottom of this. I made sure the sinks were spotless. I did find a maggot or two. I little freak moment but boiling hot water would kill anything squirming there. This must be the source. Some food they could digest I forget to clean for a few days. There are but 3 flies buzzing around. It is quite normal for any house. By night time and after my evening stroll there was hundreds again. <br /><br />I shut the door and repeated my trek to the hardware store for fly strips. I repeated my massacre of flied from the night before. I bought a flyswatter this time too... fly paper roll in one hand swatter in the other. I was a sight in my house coat, I caught the sight reflected in the window. I laughed to myself. What a crazy lady my neighbours must think I am, now would be the best time to get my Amazon package back from the meth lab across the street. They wouldn't deny a crazy old lady with a flyswatter. <br /><br />I got most of them, replaced the old ones that were full above the sink and on the light. I boiled water and put it down both drains. <br /><br />Now this was driving me nuts. Where could they be coming from. As I thought about this looking at my ceiling in bed ans noticed a maggot on my ceiling! Smush. I looked around and saw 3 more on my walls. Now I am grossed out. This has gone beyond an annoyance. Have I gotten more filthy than I allowed myself to believe. I smell for a dead mouse my furry children might have left. You can usually smell those. No, no smells out of the ordinary. <br /><br />Maybe food got some where at night. I will have to do a more intense cleaning. tomorrow. <br /><br />Next morning I woke. By the time of my stroll I had cleaned my kitchen spotless. every piece of food from the fridge that was even going to turn soon got thrown out. There. Now there is no food that could attract them. This should do it. After my walk I was horrified to see a clean kitchen with hundreds of flies. Got more filmstrips from the hardware store, I am now telling them I live on a farm and have horses. I get 5 packages this time. <br /><br />I repeat the killing spree and hope this was just fies laying in wait from something I already got rid of and this was it. As I go to sleep that night I see more maggots. Squish squish squish. I will clean my dinning room tomorrow. <br /><br />As they say on the shampoo bottle, rinse and repeat. I cleaned the dinning room spotless, with the same result after my evening stroll. Tomorrow the living room. <br /><br />Squish squish squish. <br /><br />Waking I decided that is it! I tackle my papers of important days. I get every dust bunny. It is spotless, even polished. My mother would be proud!<br /><br />Evening stroll time. I open the door with caution and there they are gain. AHHHHHHH!<br /><br />I repeat... I have enough strips for a few more days of this before I have to go back and talk about my horse Sol and Luna. Squish squish squish. <br /><br /><br />I sleep. <br /><br />I wake up and tackle the bathroom and frog room. Now all but one room is spotless. The house looks almost as clean as when I moved in. <br /><br />Evening stroll time. I close my eyes as I walk in. I sigh as I open them. Yup, they are back. I have now killed about a thousand of them. This is not possible. There is only one room left. The room I have been squishing the maggots in, it must be there. Something Luna or Sol killed. Squish squish squish. I will deal with this tomorrow. <br /><br />I woke up and got right to it. I must say my room is the messiest. it is the only place no-one but me sees. It has not seen a broom in a long time. I clean and clean. I was the walls. I finally go on my nightly walk. And come back to the same. I don't get this. I will have to call a bug person. At least my house is clean enough to have them in. <br /><br />Squish squish squish. The only thing I haven't done is move my bed. I did sweep the broom under, as the bed is very heavy for me. It used to not be as heavy for me, but I am older now. Tomorrow I will take the bed apart,that must be were what ever the cats killed is. <br /><br />The next morning after breakfast I get to work striping the bed and inspecting and vacuuming the mattress as I move everything. Just in case, as disgusting as the thought is something crawled up and died in my mattresses. Nothing in the mattresses and box spring. It must be in the far corner under the bed. <br /><br />As I move the box spring off the frame and place it along side the mattress I am taken aback. I gasp. I bump into someone as I step back. <br /><br />"How else was I going to get you to clean this mess?"<br /><br />I turn around to see my mother. <br /><br />"I would have no daughter of mine be found in a messy house!"<br /><br />I look back under the bed and see myself with maggots coming our of my nose and mouth. "How did I die?"<br /><br />" It doesn't matter, you are dead and your house is clean and your daughter need not be embarrassed. That is all that matters." My mother said. "Do you want to stick around for the funeral or leave now?"Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-24133778894615884542009-08-31T20:03:00.005-04:002017-05-28T09:47:02.022-04:00The suicide note ( fiction )To Whom It may Concern,<br /><br />That sounds so impersonal. <br /><br />But that is how this life experience has been , so impersonal. <br /><br />Everything everyone seemed to do to me seemed so impersonal.<br /><br />"Don't take it personal, but..." Oh so many ways to finish that sentence. So many ways it was finished for me. <br /><br />What was that American dream I heard about. It passed me by. I saw the American nightmare they never talk about. <br /><br />I was supposed to get married, have children, grow old with my loving husband... through thick and thin with a man by my side.<br /><br />I was supposed to keep an immaculate house. <br /><br />I was supposed to cook like Julia Child or some-one's grandmother. <br /><br />I was supposed to be the perfect mother, never an ill word or a tear. Always calm always cheerful always sacrificing no thought for myself<br /><br />I was a piss poor house keeper. I tried to keep up, but as soon as one side of the house was done, to perfection, the other side was trashed again. <br /><br />He always said he was seemed to invite people over. That was followed by braking dishes, or a favorite item or just a slap to the face. <br /><br />My cooking was adequate. Healthy. That was my concern. He fussed so much that the children followed suit. Ever meal not edible according to my family. <br /><br />Motherhood, I failed there too. Never calm enough, never nice enough, never, never... never enough of anything for anyone. The schools called me irrational, because I got upset. My oldest son he found it an easy excuse not to do his work. "well you know how my mother is." he would say and they would give him a passing grad on a paper half ass-ed done. The others found it easy to blame me, too.<br /><br />Roy, he runs the streets since he was 15. The cops talk about his crazy mother and give him a pass most the time. His father used the same line the first time the cops brought him home. As soon as the door closed the belt came out, first for Roy second for me for embarrassing him. <br /><br />That was the night I made him leave. Well it was something a kin to Roy and I pushing him out the door.<br /><br />I thought that would be the end of it. That the children would calm down. That the world would see me for me and not though his eyes, not through his lies. <br /><br />I was wrong. <br /><br />The boys they got wilder. They turned their wildness to me and the girls. I found myself up against walls screaming about respect. The girls cried as the boys said they were now the men in the house and would have order. <br /><br />What was worse? I sot help from the police who laughed at me, told me it was my fault for turning out the only man who would deal with me. The court system, the social workers all interviewed him and they said I was luck enough to keep my kids. They told me I could press charges and put my sons in jail for years. <br /><br />A man to grow old with. The thick and thin. Why women put up with it? The teenage years. As they grow into it, they all turn on me. Nothing I do is good enough. His words haunt me, though my children. But I love them. I can not get rid of them as easy. <br /><br />Oh lord, I don not not how to go on. I work all day, clean and cook all night, with no kind word towards me during any minute of the day. I have failed you. I could not live up to the role of Mother. As I could not live up to the roll of Wife. I do not know how to go on one more day. <br /><br />I reached out to people. They seemed to be good people. A man who said he cared. The children took to him. He told me he had morals. Good Christian morals. He was nice, I didn't mind don't all those things to please him. I saw him as someone I could be with. Than I saw him with another woman, saying the same things he said to me, those things they seemed so sincere, so personal. He was just a player playing his game. <br /><br />Oh Lord, I raged against him , like a Hurricane rages against the gulf coast. <br /><br />All those people, they spun away from me as quickly as they spun to me. I want Just one person to be what they say they are. But they are not. <br /><br />In all my life I wanted to love. I settled fr "he liked me." And that was good enough. We got along well enough. Until we didn't. <br /><br />I fell hard for a man knew all the right words to say and the right places to touch but none of the staying power of a real man. <br /><br />I fear my children. I gave birth to them, nursed them, love them, held each one close and yet they treat me as I was a stranger. <br /><br />I fear growing old alone. <br /><br />I fear love. Love I will never find, love I will find but does not want me. <br /><br />I am past my time to get a man. It is not fair, Lord, how men my age are in their prime and women are disgusting old bags. Why make things so unbalanced as they are. <br /><br /><br />I have no more need of a hard life. Of toiling everyday and never having any light at the end of the tunnel. Hope has left years ago. And with out her sweet grace I find nothing more to live for. <br /><br /><br />But I wanted to let who ever cared, know why. I suspect none should care, but I hate unanswered questions and would not like to do that to anyone else. <br /><br />______________________<br /><br />The next morning the alarm went off. I shut it off stumbled out of bed. Found the note I left. Realized I chickened out again. Crumpled it up and threw it away with the other ones. <br /><br />Maybe today someone will care. <br /><br />I head out the door to take the train to work. <br /><br />The world looks gray again. I think it might snow.Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-49571855187091630362009-07-12T19:28:00.001-04:002017-05-28T09:47:02.167-04:00The interview"So you have been on stage, screanm and televions..."
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<br />"Don't forget the few records I put out. They did o.k. in thier time."
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<br />"Of course, I am sorry, Ms. Delalune. What was your favourite role?"
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<br />"Oh the ones that got me out of a jam! Of course." She laughs to herself.
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<br />"For exsample..."
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<br />"When I was a child, my bother and I was told to pick berries for Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-52448535156847564052009-07-11T00:06:00.002-04:002017-05-28T09:47:02.184-04:00You know when it has gone too far....When CNN interviews a chimp!<br /><br />I saw this first on the Daily Show. Unfortunately they didn't have it as a clip on Hulu. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/5KpcJPYJKo4&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/5KpcJPYJKo4&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I just hope his children do not see the trash tabloids I saw at the grocery store tonight.Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-48190354303630967662009-06-30T23:56:00.001-04:002017-05-28T09:47:02.130-04:00Ugly p30<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/OfgU4iQr8PU&hl=en&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/OfgU4iQr8PU&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />School was hard but an adventure all at the same time. By the end of the semester I was feeling pretty good about myself and my situation. I made the odd bit of money when the weather was warm enough. With Kim's contributions we always had what we needed. I never had to worry about that. The flat was warmer then it ever was. <br /><br />Kim was permanent fixture in the house. We were a real family. Butterfly, Freedom and Uncle Kim. We would take the baby on strolls in the park and all around Boston. Sometimes Kim would rent a car and we would go to the beach or Quebec or Rodger Williams Zoo. If I could now only meet a man as good as Kim with out him being a blood relative I would be all set. <br /><br />Thanksgiving can and went.<br /><br /> I got to know Kim's mom a little. She wanted to talk to me after the results of the DNA test came back. Kim had sent her photos of Freedom. She would say this or that reminded her of Luke. She would tell me stories of my father, things I would have never known if Kim never sought me out. <br /><br />It seems Luke had commitment issues. Emma, this was Kim's Mum's name as well as Luke's mother's name, And Luke's Grandmother's name, said Luke started with the free love business when she wanted to get married after she found out she was pregnant. Luke just didn't want to be tied down. The emerging hippie scene that came about when Kim was just little. It offered him a lot of sex without strings.<br /><br /> An open marriage was the only thing he would offer her. This was not something Emma thought she could handle. She was a one man woman and wanted the reverse to be true too of her husband. This seemed very reasonable to me. I think part of Luke did yearn for that. The way he took care of me, the way at the end, I remember he wanted me far away from that life style.<br /><br />Emma never called me Emma, she said there were too many to keep them straight, she called me Butterfly after I told her how a real Navajo Indian old woman gave me the name. She said it fit me well. <br /><br />We would always end every telephone conversation with "You really need to come and visit here." <br /><br />I think I just about convinced her to come over for Christmas or New Years, or did she convinced me to go there. I was never sure. Kim went and helped me get passports, just in case. <br /><br />Two weeks before Christmas, is when it came, and early Christmas present from Miles. A letter from a lawyer representing Miles' mother. He was demanding I give up custody of Freedom to her and Miles, they said they wanted a paternity test, and after that they would fight for custody. It seems that Miles' mother had gotten married and looks real stable now. She even joined that hateful preacher's church. 'A good church going lady in a stable home life with a husband who are ready to raise the baby as their own'. Not to mentioned 'forced at gun point from your grandfather to sign away her rights'. <br /><br />Damn, God, they go to the same church now. I wonder if my grandparents even know what she is doing? There was no gun, just Granny and a piece of paper. <br /><br />"He said he would!" I screamed and cried as I threw the letter down. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/lRcQZ2tnWeg&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/lRcQZ2tnWeg&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />"Who, what, where?" Kim inquired quickly.<br /><br />Kim picked up the letter and read it.<br /><br />"I didn't beat the git hard enough!" he was pretty upset as well. " He wont do it, he can't do it! They would never take a child away from her mother! They don't do that. Don't worry." He came over and wrapped his arms me. He stayed until I told him he could stop. <br /><br />I wasn't as sure as he was. Before I could finish my thought a knock came on the door. <br /><br />I opened it. <br /><br />There was a woman in a business suit with a briefcase standing there. <br /><br />"Hi, can I help you? If you are selling Jesus I have to tell you I don't need any." The only ones who dressed like that in this neighborhood are Jehovah Witnesses.<br /><br />"Are you Dani Smith?" She said with a bit of disdain.<br /><br />"Yeah and who the hell are you?!" I gave her the same disdain back at her.<br /><br />"I am Ms Kelly from DSS. I have come to investigate a complaint about mistreatment of a baby called Freedom. It says here", and she pulls a paper from her brief case "That a black male was blowing marijuana smoke in the baby's face and the mother was filling the baby's bottle with alcoholic."<br /><br />"That was Miles and his friends almost 6 months ago, I kicked him out of my house and life when I found what they had done."<br /><br />"I have heard on parent accuse the other of what they do before. If this is true why didn't you contact the police or our department?" Again with the disdain.<br /><br />"He told me you would take her aways from me if I said anything. He said he would have her taken away from me if I said anything or kicked him out." I was frantic. It was in my voice. Kim came up behind me. Put an arm around me.<br /><br />"Ms Kelly, why don't you come in and see that Freedom is perfectly safe and happy. Now that the mother took the right steps in getting rid of the threat to her child as soon as she knew the situation existed." Kim opened the door and sounded so charming. I was so happy he was there. <br /><br />"Is that a Jamaican accent?" She looked over her glasses and wrote in her book. <br /><br />" No, Mame, it is a British accent. But people can confuse the two." Kim said with a smile. " I am the only black man here. And I am not Jamaican. I am 'Dani's' brother."<br /><br />She again looked over her glasses and me then Kim and wrote in her book. She did not look like she believed him. <br /><br />"It's true you know." I said "We both had the same father." She still looked like I was high on cocaine. "He's half white. I have the DNA paper that says we are, if you want to see it."<br /><br />"It doesn't matter his relation to you, Miss Smith just if he is harming the child. Where does he sleep, by the way?" <br /><br />"I sleep on the coach. My sis and the baby sleep in the bedroom, back here." Kim lead the way to the bedroom. He is smiling his big old sunshine smile. She is not charmed by it. <br /><br />"So you and the baby both share the same room, Miss Smith?" She said writing more stuff down. <br /><br />"Yea, she IS a baby after all, and nothing IMPROPER happens in there anyway." I am getting defensive. Kim keeps giving me the sign to keep my cool. <br /><br />"She needs her own room. It is in the regulations. You are on public assistance, are you not?"<br /><br />"Yeah."<br /><br />"Than they can provide a voucher for section 8 and you can get a bigger apartment with 2 bedrooms in the apt complexes they have. I hear they are nice apartments." She smiled.<br /><br />"They are in the worst part of the city, I can't raise her there!" Why would she suggest even a thing, "I bet you don't live there."<br /><br /> 'That is irrelevant, where I live." more writing "The apartments are up to regulations, unlike this place. You have to sacrifice when you are a mother." She spoke sharp at me. I was ready to kick her. <br /><br />"She is very aware that she needs to sacrifice. We both do, as her only family here we raise Freedom together. That way she has the benefit of a father figure in her uncle. Thank you for telling us about the regulations we will look for a new flat right away. One with 3 bedrooms, so we can all have one. With me here, now, we can afford one in a good neighbourhood, with a good school system." Kim was taking over and leaving me behind as he showed her the crib the clean clothes, the toys, all very neat and organized. <br /><br />She starts sniffing away like a bloodhound. "I don't smell any alcohol or marijuana in this room. But that doesn't mean anything, I find. The booze can be in another room, and you Miss Smith are under age to drink."<br /><br />"I don't drink!"<br /><br />Kim took over again. "Why don't you come to the kitchen and check for yourself?"<br /><br />"Yes I did need to check the kitchen. Do you have at least a weeks worth of food?"<br /><br />Kim laughed. "Sometimes I think we have a months worth, in case we get snowed in. I heard you people got quite a big blizzard a few years ago."<br /><br />She was satisfied with the kitchen and the food situation, nor did she find any booze. She didn't find any on the living room either.<br /><br />"Everything looks fine here, but we will do these surprise inspections from time to time as long as the baby resides with you and we find it warranted to have concerns." She said as she was leaving.<br /><br />"If you turn up out of the blue and you find nothing wrong, what concerns would you have?"<br /><br />"You are only 16 years old, going to college or not. Girls your age have a hard enough time taking care of themselves never mind anyone else. "<br /><br />"Who decided is I am good enough?"<br /><br />"I do and only I. And I can tell you right now, with an adult couple , the grandparents I believe trying to take custody, I am not trusting they will not win. You may want to think about giving the child up to the grandparents so you could get on with your life, you are so young yet and I understand you panhandle for money on the common."<br /><br />"I sing and play guitar and people pay me for my musical talent, if that's what you mean, I am a musician." I was getting hot again.<br /><br />"Yes, musicians don't always make the best parents, up all night, drug addicts, shady friends. You know what I mean, don't you Dani?"<br /><br />Before I could answer Kim thanked her for coming and closed the door. <br /><br />"She's going to take my baby way! She's going to make me sound unfit and the judge will give my child away!" I cried in Kim's arms.<br /><br />The rest of the night I cried off and on. Every time I looked at Freedom I cried. <br /><br />Next morning Kim made breakfast. He set me a place. I came in and sat down. On my plate was an envelope. <br /><br />"It was supposed to be a surprise, but I thought it best to give this to you early. " <br /><br />I look at the envelope.<br /><br />"Well, open it or just get it out of the way so I can serve your eggs."<br /><br />I move the envelope. He puts the eggs in my dish and I open the envelope, easing him a bit that I would not. <br /><br />There were two tickets to England. I was shocked, speechless. <br /><br />"Mum bought them, she wanted us over for Christmas holiday. I figured you could use some cheering up." <br /><br />I put the tickets down. "It wont fix the problem, just a temporary reprieve from the fight."<br /><br />"Sometimes we need at temporary reprieve to get our heads together. We can leave tomorrow morning."<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/V1Gn0e7kvTA&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/V1Gn0e7kvTA&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />"So soon."<br /><br />"No time like the present. Anyhow I talked to Mum last night after you fell asleep. She agreed, it is decided, it is no longer a holiday, but we are moving back, the whole lot of us, Me, you, Freedom. It's time for a new start."<br /><br />"But I just can't move there."<br /><br />"And why the hell not? You have a whole bunch of stuff tying you here? Your family? Job? University? Because we have University over there, and when I said Mum's husband was well off, I meant big house in the country well off, Mum's already started making up the rooms for you and Freedom. Like the lady said it is regulation." He smiled when he said the last bit.<br /><br /> I threw my spoon at him. He dodge it quickly.<br /><br />"But what of they don't let me?"<br /><br />"Who? The tosser and his mum? By the time he realizes you are gone, he will not know where to find you. If they find you, do you realize how much money they would need to do an international custody battle with a well to do family? HUH? Baby, step Daddy has money and barristers on retainer. Now start packing light after breakfast. Just the things you could not bare to never see again. We will give the keys to the boys so they can finish our food but tell them nothing more than we are visiting your Granny for a month."<br /><br />That was the best plan I heard yet. I trusted Kim, he was wiser and calmer than me. I packed. I gave Eric the keys with an open invite to use the place and eat the food while we were in Kentucky.<br /><br /><br /><object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/JRNHbBg6HVc&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/JRNHbBg6HVc&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object><br /><br />Everything was really tense as I made my plans, choose my things and looked around one last time. The next thing I know we are touching down in Heathrow airport. <br /><br />I walked through the airport with my red converse high tops on, my skinny black pants and my trusty guitar. Kim held the most precious thing I brought with me, Freedom. A weight lifted off my shoulders immediately. It felt like freedom, it felt like death, I think it was something in between I guess. To quote Leonard Cohen. But it did. <br /><br />We got a hotel room for a week to bang around London before going to Kim's Mum's place. We saw all the sights. We hung out with the punk kids at Trafalgar Square. We saw the most boring changing of the guard. We headed down to oxford street. Where I bought a Union Jack sleeveless tee shirt and a black leather jacket to complete my new look. <br /><br /> I sang some songs in the chilly days, I made a little bit, I wanted to bring gifts with when we went to the country house. They seemed to really like the old American songs I knew. Like this one:<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/sdRdqp4N3Jw&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/sdRdqp4N3Jw&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Kim helped book me a a few gigs before we left, they really liked the old blues songs I knew. The dates were set up for the next year. <br /><br />We finally went to the country house a week before Christmas. <br /><br />Let me tell you about this country house. It had 10 bedrooms. And that wasn't counting the service quarters. <br /><br />Emma was warm. Her husband, Aaron was hardly around as he worked in London and came back only for the weekends and holidays he didn't work. Kim's younger brother and sister were about the ages of mine. I was introduced to them as Kim's sister from America. They just took to me as if I was a long lost big sister. Everyone took to Freedom with a lot of love. They wanted to know if she could call them aunt and uncle, too. And Emma, oh how Emma took to Freedom. <br /><br />Emma would watch Freedom so Kim and I could do our gigs in London. I felt guilty , I felt I was taking advantage. Emma said "Nonsense, child, this poppet brings life into this house. You are doing me a service to let me enjoy her like a grandmother. Kim, when you going to find a girl to marry." <br /><br />It wasn't long before we were teaching Freedom to call Emma 'Gran'.<br /><br />I never did get around to go to university. Kim and I played London every weekend for a while. We played blues, our own songs, Ska, reggae, what ever hit our fancy , really, and the people really seemed to enjoy it. We cut an album, small really. Small as it was it gave us exposure around Europe and we found ourselves away from home a lot more, in a lot of places I thought I would never see. Did I mention Aaron was a record producer, worked for a new mogul, called his company Virgin. He was the rock and roller of the yuppies.<br /><br /><br />We picked up musicians to play with us along the way. There is this Scott. He is always saying "Ya know Butterfly, ye are brilliant!" <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/uSAOHwQhPcQ&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/uSAOHwQhPcQ&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />It was a gig in Paris, 2 months after he kept saying I was brilliant before he asked me out to see Jim Morrison and Oscar Wilde's graves. It was fitting our first date be in a cemetery.<br /><br />"How did I get so lucky, brother?" Ian said to Kim <br /><br />"Let me straiten your tie, Mate." Kim said as he straightened Ian's tie and handed him his sporran. <br /><br />"Seriously, what great thing did I ever do to deserve this? I have been asking myself that all week." Ian nervously filtered around trying to attach all the accents you attach to the traditional dress Scott outfit. <br /><br />"At least you know the right thing to say to your soon to be brother-in-law, otherwise I would have to knock you to the curb before you could marry my sister."<br /><br />Ian looked at Kim like a deer caught in headlights.<br /><br />"Mate, you will have to be tougher than that to be her husband. Just don't mess it up. I will always be around." <br /><br />Ian smiled, "Right you are," He looks int he mirror and around at the very old Scottish church. "I am not good enough for her." He started for the door.<br /><br />Kim stood in his way "Don't be a git and get down that isle, and just don;t brake her heart. She loves you." <br /><br />Ian smiled nodded and headed with Kim, in full Scottish garb, down the isle were they stood waiting for the bride. <br /><br /><br />I am about to step on stage, the nerves always hit. Then I hear my husband say:<br /><br />"Welcome Ladies and Gentleman. May I introduce to you, Butterfly!"<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/HB1YX0kwrYk&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/HB1YX0kwrYk&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-42803987425753876012009-06-28T18:02:00.003-04:002017-05-28T09:47:02.078-04:00Ugly p 29<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/8ffl3KxY3g4&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/8ffl3KxY3g4&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Weeks passed, Miles didn't return. Strange how you half want them to. Just to prove to yourself they loved you somewhere deep in side. I became sometimes melancholy about the whole thing. I had a child with him. It hurt more to think he never cared about either of us. So many thoughts can go through your head. When Kim was an idea. The idea of one of my kind, a new man, a new hope of moving forward made it so easy to kick him away to make room for something better, something new. But it turned out I was jumping from wild horse to thin air. Now I feel like I am hitting the ground. Hard. Very hard. <br /><br />I tried not to let it show too much around Kim. <br /><br />"Ya know, Emma, when ever we brake up with someone good or bad for us it hurts just the same. If they are bad for us, we have the deadly 'whit ifs' and we ask why we weren't good enough to make them right. If they are good we wonder why we weren't better to keep them. It's bollocks either way, luv." Kim said over the breakfast table, which for us, breakfast is at noon. But eggs and chips it is.<br /><br />"I don't know why you are bring this up, I am over that loser." I lied as I cleared the table. <br /><br />"That tosser's Freedoms biological father. That leaves a connection, tis harder to break. "<br /><br />He was right. <br /><br />"Another tosser will come down the bus route any time here. The world is full of them. Me Gran always told my baby sister 'there is always enough time to wait for the right man, but it is always too soon to settle for the wrong one'." <br /><br />"Your Gran is wise."<br /><br />Days passed and I kept playing the words of Kim's grand over in my head over and over. Even when singing too many Janis Joplin songs about men leaving.<br /><br />Kim made sure I was registers for collage. He made sure I went. He said he would watch Freedom while I took classes.<br /><br />Eric is getting scarcer nowadays. The boys are staring to get sick, whispers of plague that hits only gay men. The boys who come from New York with the Broadway plays to Boston, some of them have spots on their bodies, get very skinny, and now it starts to spread here. Eric spends time taking care of the boys believing that is Indian magic will spare him.<br /><br />I saw him in the park on the way back to the flat that afternoon. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Q_yzh4FDv7U&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Q_yzh4FDv7U&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />"Whoa Eric, have you gained 50 pounds?"<br /><br />"Blunt as always, sweetheart. That is why I love you." <br /><br />He looks so drawn. He is not his chipper self.<br /><br />"what's wrong? Where's me bouncy Tiger?"<br /><br />"I went to three funerals this week. The boys are dying. They get really skinny, Auschwitz skinny ,before dying. I will have a buffer when my time comes. I have an excuse to eat all the ice cream I want." He is holding back so many tears, I think he is all cried out. It breaks my heart. I start crying. " Ronald Rayguns is office <br />and his press secretary is joking about it. The gay disease. The preachers use it to preach hate. Don't they know?"<br /><br />"Don't they know what?" I go to hug him.<br /><br />He puts up his hands to stop me. "What effects us, effects them. We are humans. We are all humans. Though I wonder about these hate stirrers." He shakes his head." They are not human any more." <br /><br />I go to hug him again. Again he refuses.<br /><br />"I can't chance it, not with you and little Freedom. Not with you. Don't they know how many married men come to the truck stops. How many closeted men out there with families. And a woman married to a gay man, you don;t think she wont go get something on the side too? HA! it is only a matter of time before they are all dying too. Baby stay celibate, don't touch anyone, don't use public restrooms, don't get blood, it is tainted, no-one is safe. No-ONE."<br /><br />My heart is breaking for him. My heart is breaking and he is not there , nothing much behind the eyes, like a soldier in war who has seen too many dead bodies. I don't know what to do. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/cznha2YTTh0&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/cznha2YTTh0&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />The walk home was long. I stopped to use the public restroom, freaked out about everything Eric said, what if could be spread this way. I hoovered over the seat. I see the writing on the wall "If AIDS is god's curse on gay men, then lesbians must be the chosen people."<br /><br />I open the door to to the old Victorian, grab the mail, head upstairs to my flat. <br /><br />"Hey I'm home!"<br /><br />I toss the mail on the coffee table. Kim comes out holding Freedom, freshly washed. "Look who's home from school? Tis right, ya mum."<br /><br />I take Freedom from hm and start giving her butterfly kisses all over her face she giggles little baby girl giggles. "Mail's on the table. what's for lunch?"<br /><br />Kim didn't answer back, usually I get some sort of answer I have no clue what it is. A curry this a curry that a vandeloo. But silence. <br /><br />I dress Freedom and put her in her crib with her favorite toys. she makes cooing baby happy noises. <br /><br />I walk into the living room. <br /><br />Kim is holding an envelope. "This is it."<br /><br />"So what are you going to do? This is what you wanted."<br /><br />"If I don't open it , everything can stay the same. If I open it everything might change."<br /><br />"No matter what it says, Kimble, we will be friends. That wont change."<br /><br />"Oh child, I have heard that too many times to ever believe that again."<br /><br />"I never said it to you." Now I am a little hurt.<br /><br />"Everything changes, everything. But blood is stronger than water, enit what they say? Nothing can brake that bond."<br /><br />"It is what you came and sought me out for. Open the damn thing."<br /><br />He just stares at it for a few more moments. <br /><br />I grab it from him. "In for a penny, in for a pound. I fear no piece of paper."<br /><br />I open it quick and look at the many numbers and words that make little scene to me.<br /><br />Kim smiles like the sun.<br /><br />"I don't see what si so funny, no-one but a DNA scientist could read this gobbly gook."<br /><br />HE starts laughing at the. Actually laughed at me. <br /><br />"I don't know what is so funny! Your MUM should get her money back."<br /><br />"She don't need to, sis." He gets up and hugs me, "You were looking at the wrong side of the paper. You made me read it first anyway. I see you will definitely be a hand full. " <br /><br />He put me down. I look on the other side. The results are 99.75 that we shared the same father. <br /><br />Luke was my father. Kim is my brother.And god sometimes answers prayers. <br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/3yEKVJ-Ynho&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/3yEKVJ-Ynho&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2093119575533496806.post-16174937577400841892009-06-28T11:21:00.004-04:002017-05-28T09:47:01.887-04:00ugly p28SKA.<br /><br />Kim introduced me fully into Ska. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/z1DkVljeRfM&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/z1DkVljeRfM&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />What I just took as a fun beat from some reggae I found was it's own style. Over the last 6 weeks we got to know east other much better. We became like brother and sister. We learned from each other. I taught him the downs of the blues and he brought me up with ska. Between the two of us Freedom heard all sorts of music and had many smiles and laughter to find her peace with. <br /><br />We often played together in the park, making more than I did alone even after splitting it. He always gave me extra, he said there were two of us and one of him, so I should get more to provide for my baby. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Rg1iEBWxVeQ&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Rg1iEBWxVeQ&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />The days seem to stop when first I found him and I was looking for him again. But the days have flown by since he found me. I have come to know him enough that I do trust him to sleep over my flat, much less expensive then the hotel. It is nice to have about the flat again. Listen to me, even borrowing from his talk, he has become so much a part of me. He refuses to let me carry the laundry to the matt. He makes food for us at times. He doesn't invite his friends over. He says "When you have children, you have to take care who to bring into your child's life, you never know who will take advantage. Need to surround children with the best of who you know, so they will strive to be like those you love and admire."<br /><br /> Told him I learned my lesson well. But I never really elaborated. I wanted to forget. <br /><br />He would sleep on the couch, it was close to the door. I slept well with him there, it was like I had a giant lion guarding the door of the keep, for the two princess inside were precious things who deserved to be guarded by such a powerful beast. He made me feel that way. As if I were special. <br /><br />Half the time I wished the DNA test comes back as if we were family, half that we were not so I could have him as my man. But always he treated me and Freedom with respect. It was like living with one of the boys. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/nZ-um-DrUoQ&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/nZ-um-DrUoQ&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />One night, after coming home from the club we were winding down for the night. Kim went to make some food for us all. A knock came on the door. I went and opened it Miles. Standing there. Oh Crap. <br /><br />"Hey babe, going to invite me in?"<br /><br />"NO."<br /><br />He pushed in anyway. <br /><br />"You know what ever you got is crap. My mother has a lawyer now. Say goodbye to your brat enjoy the time left. Unless you want to rethink your position on me, I can live here with you while I go to school, that way you can still see the kid. But she will still legally be mine.I guess at that point you will be leaching off me in my place. Once I have custody I can get assistance, just like your lazy ass. And you can start paying me child support, you can start now. " <br /><br />At this point he had me against the wall One arm between me and the kitchen the other trying to rifle through my clothes looking for money. <br /><br />"Oi! MATE, what you think ya doing?!" Kim yelled as he ran up to Miles and me. <br /><br />"Who the hell are you?!" Miles acted so indignant. "You take up with a nigger right after I leave? So THIS is why you wanted me out of the house." He scream back at me like a lover who just found out there was another. <br /><br />"Out!" in a booming voice Kim pulled him away from me. Kim was slightly taller than Miles but as far as bulk went, the lion won out, Miles looked like a boy compared to Kim. <br /><br />"Hey, I know you are new to this bitch, but this is my family you are muscling in on. Be a man and walk away." Miles said in that tone that if you didn't agree with him you were not being an adult. But now he is doing it to someone who is older then both of us. <br /><br />"Bitch, Nigger, man do you know how to talk people." Kim laughed. And pushed Miles away, which made him fall the few steps to the landing and land against the wall. the same wall he landed on when I kicked him months earlier. 'Look mate, you made me laughter, I will give you to the count of three."<br /><br />"To leave, I get empty threats. It wont work here."<br /><br />"No empty threat mate, it is just the head start I am giving you before I beat your raciest ass." Kim was still smiling and laughing. "ONE"<br /><br />"You don't know the games she plays, man" Miles is still not moving. <br /><br />"TWO"<br /><br />"BUT I am the FATHER!"<br /><br />"THREE" <br /><br />Before he got the whole word out Miles started down the stairs.<br /><br />Kim ran after. He caught him at the end of the stairs "I don't know what you are, tosser, but I know you are no father!"HE has him by his shirt with both hands. <br /><br />"You are just upset I used the word nigger. Hey it's not really like that. I was just thrown by you banging my old lady. Hey in another circumstances we could be friends. Let me buy you a a beer at the bar."<br /><br />"You just don't get it, tosser. I am 'ta bout ta beat you so you will never even think about going near my sister or niece again. DO YOU even know 'er name, tosser? " I had never thought Kim could get so angry. <br /><br />"Her name is Dani!" Miles said nervously.<br /><br />"AHT, wrong answer. I meant my niece not my sister, and you didn't even get that name right."<br /><br />Miles grabs a knife out of his pocket, Kim hold him away from him.<br /><br />"Not so tough now! I learned to fight in Kentucky, Limey!"<br /><br />Kim quickly head butts Miles. Miles drops the knife and falls back.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/0B0b9tcjavE&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/0B0b9tcjavE&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />"Sorry, Yank, I learned to fight in the pubs during football night." Kim Smiled and moved Miles out side, where he literally kicked him down the street. I don't know what happened next, but I never saw Miles again that year. Can't really remember how much longer it was before I had to deal with that fool again. <br /><br />Kim came back about a half hour later. <br /><br />He had a bit of blood on him. I cleaned him up. <br /><br />"Ya know sis, you know how to pick 'em. I can see I 'ave my work cut out for me." He wasn't smiling. I stopped. I looked at him. <br /><br />He grabbed me put me in a head lock, gives me a nudgy. "And I wouldn't have it any other way, my other little sister is too proper, never any excitement, no need for a big brother." Now he is smiling. I get up and finish wash off the blood, but I find no cuts. <br /><br />I think that was the moment I realized I was hoping to God he was my brother. Silently tears ran down my cheeks.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/GjuP0SWqUR0&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/GjuP0SWqUR0&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Ishat's Fire and Icehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15774795043449260488noreply@blogger.com3