Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Ugly p19

Saturday came and went.

And as I have said before "this isn't porn movie" You don't get to hear all those details of teenage sex.

Here's some songs that reminded me of that summer.

Looking back I remember, I remember, It was never at my place, it was only at his when no-one else was around, mostly it was in the fields and it was always a secret.

It kept me busy that summer.

He even said he loved me once. I remember he said it more than once that day.

" What were you doing at the time?"

"Hah, where was his penis."

"Shush. Don't be rude."

"Isn't rude, it's reality. Answer child."

'Let me think. I was, oh, I remember, in my mouth. But he picked my head up and said it again. Than I finished.'

"Never believe them when their little head wants something from you or is in you some way."

"Leave the girl alone and let her finish. And stop being so crude!"

Summer ended, so did the many days we spent together. I was not feeling so well. Had a flu or something. Or so I thought. By the time end of October was coming around, Granny brought me to the doctors.

The day that I found Moses dead. Halloween. 2 years had passed. Granny took me back to the doctors. I was a bit scared.I had been sick for a so long. Now I can't keep anything down. In between throwing up I spent my time wanting to throw up. My body hurt. My breasts, my stomach was getting hard. All I could think of was I had cancer. Maybe it is my turn.

The doctor sat us down in his office and brought out his file on me. I was nervous and nauseous all at the same time. Granny was stoic.

"Hello, Danni, Mrs Smith." He said shaking our hands.

" I called you here to discuss Danni's condition."

He called it a condition, that is not good.

"How long do I have? " I blurted out.

"About 6 months I would say." He replied mater a factly while looking at his files.

Granny shock her head. She looked upset. "How could you do this to us?" She said

"US?! It's happening to me!"

"Now ladies! This can be dealt with."

Dealt with. Dealt with. Easy for him to say. He wasn't dying in 6 month.

I threw up in his waste bucket.

I will spend 6 months trowing up than I die.

"I am so sorry Doc." Granny said

Why is she apologizing to him, I just got handed a death sentence, he should expect a little barf.

"Well, it happens, that is why God made liners. "

"Who is he?!" Granny yelled at me.

"Mrs Smith, it is best handled gently."

"Gently! Gently my behind, this boy is going to pay for what he's done."

"What are you talking about?"

"Mrs Smith, it's not the end of the world. There are ways to handle it. She is young and she will grow up and have many more chances to have a family. I suspect no-one knows yet."

"What? I am dying and you are saying it's not the end of the world!"

"Danni, young women have survived having babies without dying for some time now."


"Who is he, child. If you don't tell me, I will beat it out of you!"


"Mrs. Smith! It really doesn't go far. Threatening a pregnant girl."


" I need to know who this degenerate is that did this, doc."


The room started spinning, my ears started hearing a high pitched hum, and everything went dark purple coming to the center. I couldn't breath. I felt cold as death.

I woke up on the examination table with smelly stuff being waved under my nose. It smelt like laundry day.

"Danni. Welcome back." the doc said.

"Don't think fainting is going to get you out of telling me. I had 10 youngins, this ain't nothing new to me."

"Miles" I said.

"But you can't tell no-body, it's a secret."

"You foolish girl! I bet he even said he loved you too."

With that I gave up my fight to stay conscious and went back in the black again.

Time stops for a while.

Time did stop.

I am the same age my mother was when she was pregnant with me.

I was not going to do this.

I was not going to be stuck here all my life.

This is not my life.

The sex wasn't even good.

Not even being experienced, I could tell that. The girls on the commune looked like they enjoyed it far more. I think I remembered that. They were having fun. The potential was there. That's why I always came back for more. But potential never fulfilled is one frustrating monster that tears at you and begs you to come back for more.

A few days later Grandmother and Grandfather took me to Miles' farm. I was looking down. His mother invited us into the parlor. Sh served us lemonade and scones. My grandmother got right to the point rather quick. His mother denied it saying that she only saw me once.

It went around lie that each round getting nastier and nastier.

Her son what this, their granddaughter was that.

Finally she called Miles into the room and asked him if he had laid with me.

"No, Ma, she she's not my type." he said.

He denied me.

He denied us.

He denied our baby.

I cried. Uncontrollably.

Never wounded so deeply. Maybe it was just the hormones. It is the worst thing you can do to a woman.

He looked towards the crowd.

His mother slapped him across the face.

"How dare you lie! About this. About her."

"Ma, I'm sorry, I was just fooling around, it meant nothing. She meant..."

This time it was my hand who slapped him. Tears running down my face.

He ran out of the room.

His mother went to her purse, took out some money. Handed it to me.

"You are both too young. Here you go. Start over. If you have any sense you will stay away from my son. I am sure you are a good girl."

I looked at the money. I didn't it.

My grand mother was angry. " We are Christians! We don't do that sort of thing! We respect life." She grabbed the money and threw it at her.

"It is her decision, not yours! It is her life, not yours! Think of your grandchild!"

"I am thinking of my great grand child. Jesus' gift!"

With that she told Grandfather and I to leave and we walked towards the door.

I rushed back, I picked the money off the floor and stuffed it in my pocket before the grandparents could see.

I didn't understand what they were going on about until i heard my grandparents discussing "that woman who wanted her to kill the baby. We give it away to a good christian couple who can't have babies like descent folk."

Grandfather said "It is best she doesn't have it around here. Best she doesn't get attached. Best she can't see it afterwards, she may want to take it back."

I get it,the $500 was for an abortion. The women had them in the commune when they don't want to be others or didn't want to have too many children.

I didn't think about it. I didn't want to think about it.

All I could think about was Miles denying me, denying us.Oh Jesus, I am an US. And no-one is happy about it. Babies are suppose to bring joy. Love. Laughter. Happiness. Someone was suppose to be happy.

I should have left him. I should not have gone back that Saturday. But when you pray for something and God gives it to you, should you deny the gifts he gives? Would he got angry at me for being so ungrateful? Was I not grateful enough? Was I being punished for it?

Why the hell wasn't Miles punished for it?

Did God really love Adam more? Did he really hate Eve for her curiosity?

Maybe there is no god and no sin, but what we do we must be accountable to ourselves? No Devils to blame. To God to praise.

He denied US.He denied the love he said he had.

The next week my bags were packed.

My grandmother went to Miles farm with some papers. I stayed in the truck. Miles and him mother signed the papers and she placed them into my suitcase.

My grandfather drove me up north and over to the east. It was a very long drive. It took days.

This old Victorian in the middle of the woods. It is yellow, faded yellow. Pale yellow. A large porch with a few swings. We went up to the door. Grandfather placed my bags and my guitar in front of me and rang the bell.

The door opened. A woman in her forties answered the door. She had a big old smile on her face. "Hi , I am Sandra. "

"This here is Danni. We talked on the phone." He handed her an envelope with cash and a piece of paper. "There should be everything we agreed upon. Her birth certificate and contact numbers when the deed is done, too. Call me when she is ready to be picked up."

He walked away.

He didn't even say goodbye to me.

He drove away and didn't look back.

I am alone.

I am alone in Vermont on a pale yellow porch.