Thursday, 31 December 2009

The court of the Chrimism King

Christmas morning we woke I started making pancakes for 10. It felt good. Eggs, scrambles, sunny side up, pooched, pancakes, plain and candy cane flavor. I felt more like a short order cook than a blues musician. I felt there was a lot of love going on in my house, more so than I had in a very long time.

Girls wanted to open presents, I wanted to wait until after church. JuJu Bee scold me for torchering my children and they all ganged up against me to open one each.

Mercy and Charisma opened a Barbie each. Solace and Freedom opened up a CD each. Chumbawamba and Mariah Carey. They had me open one too. A Bob Dylan album I never saw before, Time out of Mind. Music all around. I put it in while we all got dressed. Bob was sounding more like an old blues man but not quit there yet.

Oh, dressing for church was a spectacular to behold. Mizty was telling each of the girls they could not look like their club slut selves but like a good church going woman and if they couldn't pull that off they needed to dress like a man.

Walking into to church, slightly late as to make the perfect entrance, was something I wish I had my camera for. Eric and Mizty went in first. Mizty in modest heals and a light blue tasteful tweed dress with fox trim on her stole.

The next two dressed as men, with pencilled in thicker brows and thin mustaches.

Next was JuJu Bee, in red. A respectable red dress, but red none the less. with each of my youngest daughters in hand. Now where the whole congregation was skeptical of the sexes of most of the people before, most the men where looking like they were going to pop a button when JuJu came down. They definitely could not tell. I must explain to her that bras are a must for church.

Next my older two daughters followed by me, trying hard not to laugh.

Don't you know that Mizty insisted on sitting near the front. We all sat piece by piece to fit in towards the front. Eric and Mizty in one pew, and so forth back until I covered the rear.

The whole place was silent, including the preacher as we walked in and sat down. At first I don't know if it was the fact Mizty was black or if it was that she was a he that threw them off more. There are no people of colour in my little town. The combination was priceless.

The preacher finally spoke: "Christmas is a time of friends, family, neighbors coming together and worshiping as one. It is a time for loving thy neighbor as they self. It is a time of charity and good will to all humankind. It is un-Jesus like to judge others on his birthday. It is a time of bringing new friends to celebrate his birth to church as Emma has, as Nancy has, and as Alice has done." He waved his hand to each of the woman he was talking about, as I was not the only one bringing people to church today, he nicely pointed it out. " So I say, welcome new friends, lets worship the lord together."

"AMEN, PREACHER" Mizty said as if we were in a Southern Baptist church.

I did giggle a little then into my hand. Tom looked back at me and smiled. I think I have found someone in this town who has a sense of humor.

The rest of the mass went like that. A little Southern Baptist from Mizty, a little jazzing up the tunes from all of the girls. They encouraged my girls to sing the same way, and they did. You know I had to follow suit.

Finally Preacher gave up and asked me to sing a bit with his guitar. Guess who were my back up singers. It seems no-one else wanted to join in. But I think the preacher was having his own good time with it, for what ever reason, maybe he wanted to get back at the nasty women there or he just liked a little pizazz in his music today.

Afterwards, of course , my friends needed to join the precision of well wishers and greeters to the preacher. The men were drooling even more over JuJu Bee. Oh her breasts are real because of the hormones but so is his manly bits. But they couldn't see that. She even got invited out to Christmas dinner by some of the more bolder bachelors in town. One of the boys who dresses like a girl dressed as guy came over and let them all know she was taken.

Tom came up and wished us Merry Christmas and referred to all the queens as ladies, even the ones dressed as men.

"Does he remind you of anyone?" Eric said.

"Just like all the other farmers." JuJu said.

"Let's get home, girls, I want to eat and open presents!"

We laughed all the way home at the reaction in church.

Home. We started on dinner and sang songs of the seasons, opened more presents, laughed and drank some more. I got some nice sexy dresses. The girls some nice toys and music. Freedom even got her own disc-man so she can have her private music.

They were so generous to us.

I was so sad when they left that night.

The ghosts of laughter lingered and kept me warm through New Years Day.

My house that was filled with joy and love seemed so lonely all of a sudden.

Saturday, 26 December 2009

Higher Ground.

The solar panels got up before October and the snow fall. There was only a few hundred dollars left to the royalties check. I accomplished something and that was all that counted.

All the excitements is over. I started getting into all too familiar ruts. Day to day life gets you there. I was mom MUM than woman. I cooked, I cleaned, I helped with homework, I got up and started it all over again. After several weeks of that the thrill of Chrystal wore off. It seemed like a decade since I saw the girls and Eric.

I don't really like this role of MOTHER. It takes everything away from a woman. I guess it is fine if that was all you wanted to be in life. I don't get the people who choose to be mother and mother only. But they also choose to be wife and all that comes with that.

When Charisma lost her first tooth right before Halloween it made me painfully aware she had no father to tell. All those mile stones feel a bit lost. There is no-one else to share it with, other than the other girls, who range from 'I could care less' to 'she better not get more than my last tooth'.

Sometimes I feel bad for him for missing all these little things. Than I remember I haven't received a birthday card, Christmas gift or even a child support check in over a year. I remember he has a new family and will still experience it with the replacement children.

Then I realize I feel bad for my daughters. This town is filled with the normal two parent families. It really is painful when teachers make the girls make father's day presents or cards. When the girls protest "I have no father", they are told "everyone does". Crying does happen on father's day and Christmas and when other children ask where their father is at odd times.

This town is not equipped to deal with single mothers and their children. They keep trying to remold the children into the two parent family that just doesn't exists.

Then I realize this is the children's reality. Some of them are growing up not even remembering he was here. The older two lament and wonder why he doesn't love them any more. The younger ones shrug and tell people openly they don't have a father and he ran away with a tart and started a new family. They have showed a lot of the towns people who are not used of such honesty.

Then I realize it is me who hurts. And sometimes not having someone to share those times with hurts me most of all. I had wanted more for my daughters.

Thanksgiving comes and goes. We have a modest meal. I killed a turkey in the woods. I had to do this all when the girls were not around. I found myself waking up very early to pluck it's fathers and gut it. Somethings I learned on the farm growing up have come in handy. Tom saw me in the market picking up some extras for the feast and asked why we haven't been in church lately. I made up something flippant about exploring witchcraft. Then laughed. I really just don't feel like being judged by a whole building of people. I am doing a good job of that myself.

I managed to keep up the phone bill this long so I treated myself to a call to Eric. I asked him when he was going to make good on the promise of visiting me in East Bum-fuck. I was hoping the name I dubbed it would peak his interest. He said soon. You know the soon that you don't put too much of your hopes and dreams on. He said Crystal asked about me once or twice, but he found himself a nice girl that lives in Boston. I wasn't holding out any hopes for a relationship on that one. He was only really a few night stand.

Black Friday. It is the best time to get really cheap clothes, each girl gets new pajamas, shoes, jeans and a top and new undies. Amazingly this coast more than you might think when you times it by four. But that is my Christmas budget. I refuse to go beg. Maybe I should rethink that. But as of yet I still have my pride. Even if the school nurse, teachers and principles have all person called me to let me know where the free toys for Christmas were.

Sometimes I think my pride gets in the way of my children's happiness. Part of me hopes Ian will send a huge box for each child full of toys and chocolates. He will see the light and realize he needs to be a good dad. The more practical side of me says he has just plainly forgot we even existed. Out of sight out of mind, like a infant.

We trim the fake tree in half homemade things such as popcorn strings and ornaments. Funny I remember when we only got one present each. Today children are expecting a pirates booty of gifts. I wish I could turn the television off until after new years. Anyhow Cindy left the computer. That should be good enough for one year. Not to mention I tell them they have electricity for Christmas.

Christmas Eve and we are making cookies. It is truly fun. Freedom is glued to the computer emailing her aunt and chatting to some friends. I really need to sit down and learn how to us it. I always seem too busy. I will, I promise myself, New Years resolution.

A knock on the door.

We all stop and look at each other.

We all knew where Cindy was, she was at our brother's house in the Northwest, Freedom was just talking to her.

Maybe it's Ian with presents. I didn't say it, but I think the thought when through us all at the same time by the existed look in the girl's eyes.

Knock again with a Ho Ho Ho.

The girls get existed and demand I open the door.

I open the door.

Not Ian, that's for sure.

There was a 6 foot something black drag Mrs Clause with a shorter fashionable Santa, There were three drag Santa helpers and 5 full sacks of goodies.

Ho Ho Ho.

"Girlfriend, you going to just stand there or are you going to let us in, it is cold than a witch's tit out here!"

"AHHHHH " I scream as I hug them all as each came in.

The girls just stare as the Clauses come in.

The sacks get put down by the tree.

"Oh, these are the girls!" Mizty proclaimed and went up to each one. The younger ones except them all. The older ones step back and look with caution.

"Freedom, Solace, these are my good friends from Boston. They are alright people." I said. They still look cautious.

"They'll come around, they are your daughters after all, don't worry about it, darling" Eric said.

"Look we brought Christmas spirits!" said JuJu Bee and she pulled out 4 bottles. "I hope we have enough?"

Christmas just looked up.

"Do we get to open the bags now?" Charisma asked and all the girls nodded in agreement.

I looked at the adults. "One present, the one that is under the tree. Everything else will be tomorrow morning. "

A chorus of "Awwww, Ma" came from adults and children alike. But I figured what was in the bags were a lot better than the clothes they were about to open.

The girls opens their clothes and were slightly disappointed.

"No go to your rooms and put your new jammies on, than we will finish with our night with out friends."

With that they rushed up to their rooms.

"I have a few extra rooms , PLEASE stay." I said back to my old gang.

"Sweetie, you don't have a choice!" Juju Bee said

"We weren't going to leave without seeing the gifts opened." Siouxie said with a kiss to my cheek.

"You actually have a fireplace! Any chestnuts?" Barbie said

"This is so absolutely country! Darling, we have to say we went on holiday in the country for an old fashions Christmas!" Mizty said to Eric as they were all settling down.

"I am happy you are all staying, and yes, I do have chestnuts, we have a chestnut tree. I saved some for tonight to roast. Luckily for me, some is about 10 pounds."

Cheers went around the room.

"Let me find some glasses." I said as I ran around the kitchen.

"And what time is Christmas mass, Butterfly?" Mizty said so matter a factly. "Oh darling, Eric, go get the bags."

"Mass? We stopped going to church." I am busy looking for glasses so she can;t see my stunned look.

"I NEVER miss Christmas mass! It is the only time I catch up with my lord and savior, he wears a dress , too, we have a lot in common. So we are all going to Mass, do you understand me!" Mizty sounded a bit miffed that I would suggest we would not be going.

I got the glasses and the idea of drag queens coming to the little odd church with the star if David in it on Christmas sounded very appealing, everyone likes a Christmas surprise , right?

"9 am, plenty of time to get ready after opening presents or should we open presents after church?!"

"9 am is early, I think we should open them after" Eric decided.

"Then it is settled." The girls returned to a bunch of ahs and ohs from the queens. "Girls presents will be opened after church tomorrow."

Hot Chocolate, wine, Rum and chestnuts were served. We all broke out in song. Mizty at the piano, me with my guitar. We haven't sang in this room since Ian left and this, I must say, was far more fun.

And some stories waited for the girls to go to bed.

Mother should I build a wall

The Crystal affair left me in a high even after he left to be with his family for a week. His father had past and he needed to make arrangements and help his family as any good son would.

I offered to go and help. But in reality we didn't know each other well enough and I was now part of a world he never wanted his family to know about.

We left with a hug and a kiss and promises to meet up again after he returned.

Eric helped with the bar tending and I made a bit more money with my singing.

Time flew that week, first part of the week letting loose my carnal desires and the second with my head in the clouds. It's Saturday again.

As the girls are finishing up their set Mizty at the microphone says "Hey, people, don't forget we are open during the long holiday weekend, so don't be a stranger. Strange is fine, a freak is better!" He made a meow sounds and some lude moves.

I laughed.

Than thought ' what holiday weekend?!'.

"Have a great Labor Day if we don't see you again! And if you are drunk, don't drive. Seriously we have numbers of cabs by the door, and the door boy wont let you drive if you are drunk."

Labor Day, shit shit, school, shit shit, Labor Day, shit shit school. Fuck, I got to get home. Cindy's going to kill me, I asked her for a few weeks. It's been a month. Shit. I am turning into my mother. Shit. I want to stay here. Shit just call me Bobbie.

I must have had a weird look on my face and for some time, I didn't see the show end fully, I didn't see the people leave, I didn't see people cleaning up. I didn't see Mizty and Eric in front of me.

"How long the girl been like this?" Mizty asked Eric

"Since you made the announcement about driving drunk."

Slap. Across my face a black hand with well polished nails.

"Shit, Labor day, Shit, School, Shit, Kids, Fuck!"

"Ah" they said together, and looked with a knowing smile "she remembered she has children. "

I stopped my chant.

They looked at me.

"Child, if you didn't wake up soon we were going to do it for you on Monday morning." Eric said.

"Yeah, we I was a little girl, first day of school was the day after Labor Day." Mizty said

They looked at each other again.

"I gotta go!" I said.

"You gotta go, than go, after supper though." Eric said.

We went home to the flat. We cooked, we ate, I packed. We exchanged addresses, and their phone number, as I don't have one. I counted my money, enough to get through winter with. To get food. Some clothes for the girls. Some oil for the tank. I drank lots of water to flush out the booze.

We hugged by the car. We invited each other to each houses. I made them promise to visit. And I started home. It is 3 am and I am going home.

The drive took two plus hours to get home. The dawn was coming up on the ride home. I could see it in my rare view mirror. I felt I was running away from the sun, from my own happiness. Logically one would not want to run into the darkness. The thought that I was being just like my mother, running away from my children to start a happier life snapped me back. They will never understand how much of myself I am giving up for them. And in the end I think they will despise me anyway, it is the nature of children as they grow to dislike their parents for the things they did or didn't do. But in the end we will have each other and I will not hate me. Some sacrifices are worth the price that is paid.

I pulled into my long drive way. Cindy's car was there covered in dew. I could hear the sounds of the chickens. It was so quite here. I forgot. I don't hear the girls. I go up to the door and unlock it. I can hear people sleeping. Mercy always snored since she was a baby. I resisted waking them all up for my sake.

The house is a lot cleaner. Some changes were made, furniture rearranged, new pieces here and there. And is that a new t.v. in the corner not too far from the other t.v.?

I got out the griddle. I got out the ingredients for pancakes. I started making pancakes. The noise woke Cindy first. She came out of my room with a baseball bat.

"Hi sis." I smiled at her "Want some pancakes?" I said as I handed a plate out towards her.

"Hi sis?! You left a month ago! You said a week or so! You needed som time to digest Mom's death! A WEEK!" She was not happy. I expected she might not be.

"SHHHHHHH. You'll wake the girls with a start with all this yelling." I smiled as if we were just normal sisters having a normal argument. Not me having to take my medicine for leaving for a month.

She glared at me and breathed in deep. I could tell she was about top yell louder.

I cut it off quick. "So did you get to bond with the girls? They are great aren't they. Smart and loving. " I smiled as if we were really having a normal breakfast conversation. I finished setting the table and flipped pancakes.

"BONDING! YES they are loving and smart and wondering where there mother was. I THOUGHT I WAS ABOUT TO ADOPT THEM!" She is getting loud again. "HOW COUDL YOU? do that to them? What kind of mother are YOU?!" Now she is in my face.

"What kind of MOTHER am I?! I came back. That is a lot better than Bobbie ever did for me! She abandoned me with those nasty people in the middle of nowhere and started another family and became perfect mom of the year with YOU! Tell me? How much did she leave you when she died?" Now I am glaring at her.

"Mom was a great mom! How much was left to me is NONE of your business! I can;t help it if you were a mistake! Don't diminish MY MOTHER!"

"So unlike me, she never dropped you off at a relative's house you never meet and never came to visit you, she didn't tell your siblings you don't know of that you were their aunt and she didn't have sex around you? Damn, you missed out on all the fun! I but her pet name for you wasn't Ugly , either! You poor neglected girl? Hey, how much did she leave me? Or my girls, her granddaughters she never saw!"

We were in each other faces. She was as judgemental as our granny. And I was trying not to be Bobbie, but man my rage over all those years was coming out, unfortunately the sister with the charmed life and the perfect family is the one who got it.

"HOW MUCH?" I demanded to know.


"I can see why she wanted to forget about such a throw away person like you. She wanted forget she had such a demon spawn. I can't help I was born with a perfect face and after she was done with the drugs, I can't help you were the product of a teenage runaway and a drugged out hippie. Someone who would so easily forget her own children and abandon them with a stranger."

She was being very self righteous right now.

"You were not a stranger, you were their aunt. A family they didn't know they had. I left them with FAMILY, not a STRANGER. "

"MAMA!" the sound came from the entrance of the kitchen to the hallway that lead to the bedrooms. It was my girls.

I smiles and went over to them, hugged and kissed them all.

"Don't fight!" Mercy looked at me.

"Yeah, you are sisters! You are not supposed to fight all the time. You are not supposed to make each other hurt!" says Solace

"Right, Mum? Sisters are not supposed to make each other cry. Isn't that what you always say?" Freedom added

"AHA" Charisma chimed in.

"Yes, yes, you are right. Right, Auntie Cindy? Sister's aren't supposed to hurt each other." I look over to Cindy.

She tries to hide her anger and pain. Just as I am doing. The girls never knew what my mother did to me. Never knew much about my childhood beyond the good things I told them about hunting frogs and Moses. Freedom doesn't even know the name of her father. Nor the circumstances of her birth. Since I made her a British citizen as a baby she didn't even know she was born in America. Even the girls born here I made British citizens.

We sat and ate breakfast. They missed my pancakes.

"Girls go get ready for church." Cindy said when we finished.

"Church?" I said, not really wanting to go back.

"Yes! Church, we go every week." She said back to me.

Church was odd, as normal. I could hear whispers about me.

"She back?!"

"I thought she left for good. "

"Those poor girls! Why couldn't she just stay away. I wonder if that nice Cindy is going to leave now."

I looked each one of those bitches in the eye. Being with Queens taught me a lot about self respect. You know backstabbing bitches seldomly want to look you in the eye.

As Church ended the preacher reminded us of the church and town fair and bon fire the next day.

I was surprised I made it through church without passing out. I didn't make it much mast the living room without falling asleep on the couch.

It was dark by the time I woke up. Cindy and Freedom had made Sunday dinner. Roast chicken and veggies. The smell woke me up. Solace was on the small t.v. and Charisma and Mercy were on the big one.

"Hey, " I said to Cindy as I got up. "I;m sorry I was driving all night. I didn't mean to fall a sleep on you."

"Hey, your home, that's all that matters. " Cindy smiled back at me and the girls.

"What's with the small t.v.?" I said, not really understanding why we needed two, never mind two in the same room.

They all laughed a little.

"O.k. let me in on the joke."

"That's a computer." Charisma said.

"O.k." I said examine it. I never had one. I saw one. But it wasn't something I really cared about.

After supper I got caught up on the Internet, and when the phone rang, I found out Cindy also paid the phone bill and got it turned back on. It seems from opening my mail, all the bills were caught up too.

I had some crow to eat. Cindy said it was alright.

I explained all the money I made when I was gone. First thing she wanted to know was if I did it legal. I just told her I played gigs. I didn't explain where or who I was with. Too much. Hell I finally got her to see me a a normal person again.

In the mail was also a note from Kim. With a check. It seems since no-one can contact me he , as my relative , negotiated for a company to use one of my songs in an ad. This was lucrative. Enough money for some solar panels. It would take care of a lot of my energy problems for the year. I know most people would go spend it on a new car or something frivolous. But I am always thinking about the long term tomorrow. This is country life. I am back in Mama mode.

The next day we went to the fair. We all had fun, we all were a family. The girls signed me up for the talent contest.I sang it with all the attitude I had in the clubs. I didn't care that I was in a small town.

I didn't care that no-one here liked me and wished I'd stayed away.

Oh, I liked to mix it.

And the towns people, well it seems a lot of them liked my music.

I lost. But true enough the winner was a cute little girl. I got second prize.

"Hey Emma. I thought you were just great!" Tom said as he came up to me all smiling.

Tom is a bit older than me, by about 5 years. He is about 5 inches taller too. A bit of teddy bear. He is one of those normal guys that tend not to talk to me, ever.

"Thanks, Tom."

"You should be yourself more often. Seems like someone or something turned on the Emma light while you were gone."

"Emma light?"

"I got it from a movie I saw once. It means it's better to be yourself than trying to be someone else. I guess."

"Thanks, Tom." I smiled at him.

A second later my girls came and dragged me away to watch them in the sack race.

It was a good day. We were all tired.

Cindy told the girls at supper that she had to go and might not see them for a while.

Tears ensued. Promises to keep in touch via email and phone were said.

The next day was the first day of school and Cindy and I got the girls off to school. After the school bus left so did Cindy.

I got cracking on getting some solar panels with Mercy by my side.

Life is so different than a week ago. All my time is spoken for again.

Friday, 25 December 2009

I need a man

The next week I gave up on the idea of a one night stand.

The guy at the bar and finding more solace in the bartender was making things clearer. We find comfort where it comes, not where we look for it.

Or like I have become fond of saying in my head: "Boys are stupid."

I still played the other bars a few nights a week and came back to the gay bar at night or played before the shows. I made good money. And got lots of hugs and cuddles from the boys and girls of the club. This seemed good enough. It was more than I had had in years. It reminded me of something all humans need. Without it we become distant, detached, and plainly unable to connect.

Love. Sex. Why we crave it? Well, why I craved it. Human connection. Not even pleasure. Since pleasure is but a means to connection which is my real goal . Now I understand, such an aha moment, the love the boys and the girls who are boys give me works. It works on so many levels.

Anyway, getting your time of the month is a great time to say "forget getting laid, I need a cuddle.".

Cuddles I got. The bartender made sure of it. Though every night he got a little more grabby. I think he was just making sure they were real. My girls, that is.

Finally, Saturday came, my Aunt Flow left. I was feeling myself again. I must tell you sharing house with a boy pretending to be a girl and being a real girl with real girl things happening was a little odd. I found myself trying very hard to hid the evidence. Triple bagged it. Stuffed it under bad food in the trash. Mizty still manged to figure it out quickly.

"Honey, only women bleed!" He smiled "You need to stop acting like a girl with her first blood."

And Eric laughed. "I almost forgot about that. She's right Honey, don't be ashamed you don't have a penis. What did you think we were going to send you to the lesbians for a week?" He laughed again and kissed me on the cheek.

Almost a week past.

Tonight is Saturday night. It is warm outside, the walk through the streets from the gay club to the singles bar I was playing at was a pleasant one. I was all revved up to try again. Visions of men parts and naked arms in embraces went through my head and I hardly noticed the mile walk at all. It is still about 76 degrees is this arm late summers night in Boston.

I got to the bar, streaming with beautiful and not so beautiful people, mostly under 30. I was feeling a bit old. But I snapped out of it, so what if the homme du jour is a little younger, as long as he knows how to use his equipment to my satisfaction.

I sat up at my stool, took out my guitar. I began to play some songs to set up the mood while looking for perspective prey. I feel like such a hunter and the sings work for the crowd anyway.

The funny thing about this bar, is that most of the patrons are white. I see a few bigger girls in the audience. You know they need some attention too. I had to play a song to remind the men not to ignore them.

Funny in a more mixed race crowd this would not be necessary, but it seems to work, I see some men asked them to dance, and boy, are they enjoying themselves. I love to see that. It is getting me into the mood even more.

It seem the magic of music , the whipping the air into a lusty potion worked. For them. Not me. They all paired off. There were some older gents left. But I am not about to go that far older than me just yet.

I fell good anyway. Being turned on. But I was the magician in the middle, I was Mickey Mouse, making it all happen. All the mops dancing about. There is a good feeling to that too, even if I was not involved in the end results.

The tip glass was over flowing by all the happily horny people who left and that was a wonderful bonus. Got paid, by the owner, and headed back to the Cabaret. That's what it is called by the way. Simply The Cabaret.

The walk back was still warm and pleasant. The summer haze of the city obscured the stars, but I was sure they were there, at least I remember when I looked up to see them and I could see them. Just not here. I feel briefly that I should be someone where else where the stars are very clear and bright and there are not car sounds at midnight only that of animals on the hunt for some tasty unsuspecting morsel.

The sounds of the beginning of the last song of the show shooed the thoughts out of my head.

Chrystal, the blond busty bartender, smiles at me and hands me a drink "this a something I have been toying with, hope you like it?"

"Thanks, beautiful." I smiled back and started sipping, fruity, Malibu, and very delightful. " It's good, what do you call it?"

"Butterfly. I am glad you like it, otherwise the name would have been awkward." he winked at me as he went to the other side of the bar to get all the drinks ready for last call.

When last call was done, Chrystal came back to me with my last Butterfly drink. " So, no luck again tonight?"

"Naw, but that's o.k.. I set the mood for a lot of other people, sex is in the air."
I said really meaning it.

"Everyone but you? Been that way here, too."

"No luck for you either?" I smiled at him.

"Ah, none of them my type, beautiful." He winked at me in a playful way.

"Back at yeah, beautiful"

The people were all most out of the bar.

"Play me a song while I clean up, wont you?" Crystal asked lovingly. "You know how much I like your music, sing me a woman, sing me something hopeful, sing me something sad."

"You don't ask for much Crystal, do ya? Is Janis o.k.?"


By the time I was down with the last song he was sitting by me. The bar and tables all cleaned up. Mizty was still not ready. I put my old guitar away.

"That was beautiful, Honey."

"Thanks. Glad I could be of service." I said with a smile.

I sat back down back down next to him. I cuddled into his arm. Dressed as a woman or not, I was still small compared to him and his arms are still strong. He just has boobs bigger than mine in the way. They do make good head rests. And so they have become my favorite pillows of late.

I stretched up my neck to kiss him on the check like I usually do and he met my lips with his. First I thought, 'our lipsticks will clash, I am not really a pink lipstick person'. The second thought was 'This is not just a peck' as our mouths opened up.

Time stopped in there for a while. My first real kiss from a man in years and his lipstick clashes with mine.

Mizty proclaimed "Now that is the way to kiss a transvestite! You could give lessons, Baby!"

I broke out of my spell.

I looked at Chrystal and then to the girls all watching us.

"DAMN!" Chrystal proclaimed with his lips pressed tight. "Ahhhhh!" And again he presses his lips and a tear ran down his cheek.

Mizty looks at him over top to bottom and laughs full bodily. "Oh, doll, did you just pop your tape?"

The rest start giggling.

"Tape?" I am confused, by more than tape. "Wait, Chris, aren't you gay?"

"Baby girl, he popped his tape for you! What do you think?" The Asian queen, JuJu Bee, said.

I just looked confused.

"The tape to hold his winkle down, for that all so smooth girl like muffin instead of the bulgy boy look that poor Chrystal now has." She giggles at his pain as she wiggles like a girl.

"I'm not gay!" Chrystal said as he came close to me again. "I like girls, so much so I like being a girl, but I am still a man. And I like you."

With that he leaned in and kissed me again.

A chorus of "awww" came out.

"Let's work this out at my place, o.k." He said with a smile.

Off to his place we went.

I was so used of seeing him as Crystal that without the wig, without the makeup, the short cropped hair and shaven body we very odd to me. He has to convince me a bit he was still Chrystal, the one who loved Janis Joplin songs.

I must say we had fun exploring this for the next few days.

Detail would be pornographic, and a lady doesn't get that crude. I will say I felt loved and connected to the rest of humanity and wonderful pleasure. I felt like a sexual being again.

Friday, 11 December 2009

Across the Universe

Time flies when you are having fun. And I have tried to breath in every great smelling man in the club and remember every second of the reemerging me. I know this time will be over all to soon.

Ever feel that way? You realize the storm lays beyond the horizon, you know you want to stay safe and warm. You try the best you can to rejoice in the warmth of the sun, but your knowledge of the storm lingers in your mind.

I have been here a week.

Now about this time I realize I need to go back. I also have a overwhelming feeling if I do I will die, my soul will shrivel and my body will follow it down that hole. That feeling helps me stay here and convince all my good seances that Cindy was raised in a way I was not. A very normal way. I tell myself this will be a good experience for the girls. I tell myself "isn't this a great opportunity for Cindy to really get to meet and bond with her nieces?" I tell myself one more week, thing nothing more of children, you are not Mumma, you are Butterfly the musician, you are a magical being and you are free. One more week will not hurt anything.

Anyway, I am working of sorts. The more money I earn, the easier it will be this winter to get food and clothes for them. At the club the owner has let me play for tips before the girls come on, as long as it is befitting of the beautiful queens. A lot of women artists. Before I leave the stage Mizty or another will come out and demand the patrons put money in my case. Oh, it works, you have a 6 foot something drag queen demanding you pay the little lady , they do.

During the day I am in my old stomping grounds. I have even gotten one or two gigs here and there in other clubs this week. First week I made over $500. That money will go far back on the farm. I can't believe I have come to the point where that is good money for a week. This week I should make more with the club gigs I have.

I put the girls out of my head for another week.

I have enjoyed the love and attention I get from the boys and girls of the club.

When I started playing down the street for a regular pub, I was shocked at the difference in the vibe.

I looked around between songs for possible shagging material.

Man in his 30's at the bar. Well groomed. Not poor, at least that is what his clothes say. Dark hair , fair skin, white smile, fairly good muscle structure. I do one quick check of the hand. Nope, no wedding ring. This could be a winner.

I try giving him the eye while singing. He seems to be into it.


Hey being around the boys has not made me forget how to act around the opposite sex. I felt all sorts of confidences come back. Between sets I walk up to the bar and sit next to him. He looks down and me and smiles.

"You sing great, where did you learn?" He inquires with a smooth voice.

"thanks, I learned from an old delta blues man."

He looks at me like I just feed him the biggest line.

"In Kentucky. I lived in Kentucky as a kid. There were some Blues bars down there. He was my Grandparent's neighbour." Something in there was akin to the truth. I smiled at Mr. Prospective Shag.

He was in middle management. He was happy in middle management looking to climb the corporate ladder. It is good to be happy in what you do. We should all feel like what we do makes a difference. Even if it doesn't, or we are just cogs in the machine. We have to feel like a useful cog.

Well he seemed well enough for a shag after the show.

"You going to stick around for the second set?" I asked.

"I wouldn't miss it." He smiled a confident smile back. "maybe we can get a bit somewhere after?"

"Sounds great, I could eat something." A girl should never admit she is starving. I have been trying to save my money and not spend it on stupid things like food. And my new diet has me losing about 10 pounds. Oh I get feed from Eric and Mitzy. But with my playing that ends up being about once a day.

I walk away, I can feel him checking out my ass as I walk away, I swing my hips some.

I settle myself in for the second set. And just in case he forgot what might be on my mind, I played songs that would not let him forget.

You know I got so into the idea of sex I hardly saw the women come into the bar and sit next to him.

She was professional looking, tall and thin. She seemed so put together. Too put together for here.

It has been so long that I forgot what the educate is when another is sniffing around your perspective shag for the evening. Was it a bar stool to the head, an slight dunking of her head in the toilet when I follow her in to the ladies, or was it the clumsy dropping the drink on her.

I pondered these things when I saw him reach into his pocket and put on a ring before she could see. He saw me notice. He smiled a sly smile at me. She noticed me looking at her husband. And have me a "back off ,bitch" look followed with a " you are not even in my league" look for good measure.

I looked at her and smiled. I waved and said And this one is dedicated to the lovely couple at the bar."

She stopped looking at me with disdain. I looked at her with pity. I was her once. Trying so hard to hold on to a man determined to stray. I wondered when she would stop blaming other women for his transgressions. But something in her eyes told me it was soon. Something in his laughter told me he would be blindsided by it.

But in the end I left the bar without diner and a shag or a snog.

I did leave with more money than I came in with. And that was good.

I walked down the street to the now familiar dive, I hear the laughter and joyful song coming from inside. I turn in. The door boy, smiles and winks and lets me in. Eric sits at the far end of the bar admiring his beautiful mate. I sit next to him and give him a kiss on the cheek.

" No luck in getting lucky tonight with the straight boys, huh?"

"What?! I can't give my old friend a kiss on the cheek and a snuggle?" I smiled at him to tell him he was right.

"Ah huh." Eric said with such attitude.

"Leave her alone, Eric, poor girl had her heart tossed around a bit tonight. Or at least her hopes dashed." The bartender said, a tallish pretty blond queen. He has always been sweet to me. "anyhow, we all know what that feels like. Baby, what do you want, on me."

"Surprise me, Beautiful." I said with a wink.

"You do know how to make a girl feel good, Butterfly. Something fruity for ya, coming right up. "

Well, they kept coming up, one fruity drink after another until me and the bartender were braking down men on the stage, my head on his lap, his arm around me. It is nice to be so safe, to have strong arms and no worries.

After a while all I could think about was how perfect his nose was.

Time to leave. Bid my shining white princess adieu and go home to lay my bones down.

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Dude looks like a Lady

The club closed at at midnight.

I lost $20 to a lovely lesbian biker couple. My pool hall days never prepared me for them. They invited me to the gallery show opening of their good friend. It is something about women and pain. Something I know well. They also invited me to join them for the night.

I agreed to the art and passed on the group sex. You have to love open relationships. I don't trust them. I don't ever wanted to be a third wheel. But it was nice to be asked. They were the first people interested in me sexually since Mercy was created, I am not even sure if then. It did make me feel a bit alive and that I am a sexual being again. I will always thank them for that.

After the bar closed and the girls were getting into their going home clothes, Mizty asked me to play some music. Something soulful and dark, something sad and strong. Oh so much to choose from, but what does beautiful queens like? Oh they love women larger than life, so large that no man can dear contain them.

"Now baby, you do know how to since the blues. Someday you will have to tell me why." Mitzy put his arm around me and kiss me gently on the check. "But not tonight, because, girlfriend we have got some celebrating to do , after part, it is my man's birthday!" He said standing and smiling making a large stage gesture with his arm like Vanna White to point out Eric.

"Oh, man! Happy birthday Eric!" I jumped up and hugged him. "I'm sorry , I have nothing for you."

"Nonsense, girl." Mitzy was right behind me and coming down to my ear. " He has been saying all day that the goddess of fairies brought you to him today. His birthday present was you. "

" Then off to the after party we go!" I put my guitar away in it's case and strapped it over my back. "Hey wasn't your birthday yesterday" I said as I looked at the clock as we were going out the door.

"Sweetie, the day doesn't end until I close my eyes and sometimes not even then, not where birthdays are concerned. "

Everyone laughed.

"29 is such a big year!" Mitzy proclaimed.

"Yes , indeed, it has been for the last 10 years. SHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! the world outside awaits, fairies of the night." And with Eric's words we entered out into the alley to party on into the night from gay bar to gay bar.

I don't remember coming back into the apartment. I don't remember getting undressed. I don't remember crashing on the sofa. I don't remember much more than leaving the to the alley from the last bar to be sick.

Oh, my head. Make the world stop spinning.

"Sorry, sweet Butterfly, I can't do that, you see the world would stop moving and who would I ever banish from the light?"

I opened my eyes to see Eric.

"Come to think if of it, I can think of quite a few people. We'll start with the republican party." He laughed at his own musing.

"Did I say that out loud?" I got out of my mouth. Oh my mouth, did I pack a tooth brush and mouthwash? Oh mouthwash has alcohol in it. The thought made me nauseous.

"Yup. And from the looks of you I better help you to the bathroom."

Before I knew it I was in the bathroom making sick all over the place.

There are some moments in your life that make you realize you are too old for drinking like Peter O'Toole and Richard Harris. They even came to that conclusion at some point. Though it does make for great stories you make up later.

After cleaning the bathroom and myself and washing my mouth out several times with mouthwash, I emerged from the bathroom a new woman.

Ah bright light, bright light. "Sun glasses, anyone have sunglasses?"

This went on for more than a day. I will not bore you with the details but I did like being pampered, I almost faked it for a few more hours. But Mizty caught on quick when I could keep an egg down. He started batting me about with some sort of piece of his long silk scarf that made me stop.

By nighttime I felt better.

By nighttime I was expected to go back to the club. We went early as Mizty preforms in the cabaret.

Mizty asks me to come along with him early. He needs to get ready for the show. He does so many divas. While he and the girls get ready, work out details, etc, he wants me to play.

The owner likes the music. But this is a gay bar. A la cage au faux show. Not meant for the blues. The audience wants outrageous queens to go with their girls night out, bachelorette parties, birthday celebrations or first dates. They do not want to be brought down.

He is fine for me playing for the girls, it makes them happy but lets me know once it is time for the show it is time for me to pack it up.

The people file in and I go back stage, I put my guitar in Mizty's dressing room and stand off sides.

The first night I loved watching her and the other girls. But now I love watching the audience react to them. I have gone up to shy women and told them to just get up there and give them the money. Tips like strippers in their fake bosom brazers.

When Mizty comes out he transforms into the divas of old.

Aretha was the first, the women went wild, so did the guys. But like Chrystal points out in every show, "All your straight girls, the boys all look pretty but they are just not into you."

And that makes this the safest place in the world for a woman like me. Don't get me wrong, I want a man. I want a man like the faux divas are singing about. But I am not in the position to get one. And these very real men, in dresses, shower me with love and kisses. the safest place in the world, like I said, to teach me how to except the love from other adults without the fear of of my heart getting broken in the process.

Eartha Kitt is a favorite of Mizty. She just channelled this great woman.

I Will Survive is many many women's, real and fake, anthem. All the women cheer and stand up. Dancing follows. Such a joyous song for us. It's a good thing the only boys in the club are boys.

Oh I cheered all night and danced on the sidelines and watched the people in the crowd. There is something magical about being here. No one cares if I have a butterfly on my face, if my house if clean enough nor do they care if I have a few extra pounds.

I feel beautiful. In every way. I see beauty in everyone here.

After the show I played a while, as requested by the girls, while they did a meet and great with with people who hung around. A young man , so bright of spirit waits for the slight queen who looks way too much like the real thing. He takes female hormones so his breasts grow in natural. No fake tatas on him. Damn I wish mine looked that good after 4 children.

The young man with the gleam in his eye, acts to cool as he hands her a $20. She excepts is with a smile and a peck to the cheek. He smiles and both know that is all he will get. But he is happy. He walks over to me and hands me a $20 too. I smile at him. And he smiles the sweetest smile. He is so nice. So real about his niceness.

He was the first boy I wished was straight. I stood up and kissed him on the cheek. And he reminded me how much of a beautiful gay man he was by his expression of "awwwww".

It was enviable that if I was here long enough I would start seeing the beautiful boys as more, but so quickly.

I decided that night, I must find a straight guy for a one night stand before I leave. You may ask, why just a one night thing? Well simply put, I can't stay here for ever and I can't bring someone back to the girls either. I put my mind and fantasies into that and let the pretty boys flight of fancy fly right back out of my head.

It's weird to be back

I headed into Boston.

I thought about a lot of things. Mostly about Bobbie. About how she died. About how final it was. About how young she was. Only 15 years older than I. About genetics. About me only having 15 years left to live. Well less than that now. Mercy will only be 17. Will she graduate before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

I thought about how Bobbie gave me up so easily. I thought about how easy it was for her not to believe I existed any more like some childhood mistake. She didn't even ask for me when she was dying. She never once asked Cindy to find me and my children to see her one last time.

Only in Hollywood do we believe that people repent for their sins on their deathbeds. Maybe they don't consider their sins sins at all. I wondered if I could have given up my daughters so easily, and so fatality that even as I lay dying for months I do not call out for them.

Less than 15 years now. Let's get this party started.

I felt the years melt away as I approached my old stomping grounds. I had 200 dollars in my pocket and that was a lot more than I had back in the day.

I found a place that was safe to park the car for free. This is not an easy task, it took some time. I found the T and road it to the commons.

There I found my old place. The sun feeling great on my older skin. The freedom was lifting all those burdens from my shoulders. I hate to admit I let myself forget I had 4 little girls. I let myself just be me. I have felt so over burdened by single motherhood that I almost forgot I existed.

But here I am, sun sitting pretty in sky, light breeze, swans, people of all races, and the smell of the city. Here I am. I am here. I am so in this moment of myself it over powers me and I forget to breath. I realize this as everything started to blacken around me.

I open the case and take out my old friend. I leave the case open , for the donations of the patrons of the arts. I start strumming. Ah yes, I remember you here, old friend. I begin to play. I play a whole song before my voice wants to join in.

Ah but when I started, it was like I never left the park. People started throwing monetary homage to me. Well, me and the ghosts of soulful blues artists. I wished I lived closer to Boston where I could do this a few times a week. But it would cost me as much in gas as I would make. That would never do.

The faces are not the same as before. But people are people. It was great to seeing all the younger people grooving to the older music. Rap was one style I could never get into. I am taking them all along my musical ride. And I am losing my years as I do.

Hey wait. That face looks a little familiar. Older, but familiar just the same. But so many faces can look the same from people who live in the same place. On his arm is a very tall black man in 3 inch spiked heels. Oh he is also in a very pretty yellow dress. He smiles wide at me, I thought his lipstick would crack. Oh I like this one. And I have to find out where he gets that lipstick, I think it is my shade.

"Butterfly as I live and breath!" The familiar shorter-than-his-friend man said. The voice came echoing out of the past as well. I just looked at him try so hard to find him in my memory banks of my mind.

He laughs. "Oh sweetheart!, You don't remember me after leaving your apartment to me and the boys and a month of food back in the 80's! Girlfriend, no-one knew where you were until this Queen from England came over and brought one of your records with her!" He smiles. Oh that smile.

"AHHHHHH! Oh my god, ERRRRIIICCCCCCCCC!!!!!!!!!" I screeched as I threw my arms around him.

I felt large arms around us both. "Hey I wanted some sugar ,too." He said as I looked at him with a smile and I kissed his cheek. "Oh , you so sweet!"

The embrace lasted longer than any hug from a man I had had in the last 5 years.

"Eric who is your lovely friend? And you have my album?" I said still beaming.

"Oh darling, Lady Butterfly, this is Mizty." He smiles as he motioned to the lady. His actions over dramatically.

"Oh the songs we played in the club years. You know that mother of yours came looking for you 2 days after that horrible little prick and his mother. Everybody looking for the baby. All they found was a bunch of boys, sometimes at play." he smiled wide. " Poor southern minds got blown wide open. One day a group from DSS came. Oooo we had some fun with her. We told her we ate the baby. They actually took samples of our poop. Funny Bitch she was. You should have seen what we did to her afterwards." He laughed a devious laugh and a twinkle in his eye went along so well with his hand gesture that said don't ask. "Never mind, don't ask, I don't want you involved." he laughed, we all laughed.

I can just see all those uptight judgemental people coming to find me. This is how he reminds me. This is how the universe reminds me f who I am. That people did care. That I did belong.

"My mother came?"

"Yeah, she said that the boy's mother called her all upset. She said where ever you were, you should stay there." Things got serious in his voice. "When we realized you were in England, we didn't tell anyone. We were glad you got out. So how is your mother? "


"Oh, I'm..."

Did I say serious? nothing gets more serious than DEAD.

"I never saw her after I left. She never called. It was like she didn't exist, now she doesn't. No big deal." I said shrugging it off. I was trying to believe it myself.

"Now, girl, that is your mama, and what ever did or didn't happen that is your mama and it effects you." Strong arms are holding me again.

I smile and sit back down and start strumming again.

As the sun started going down. I started packing it all up. Eric and Mizty came strolling by.

"Hey where are you staying, sweety?" Eric inquired.

"Ummm... I hadn't thought about that. I have a car. I don't think I made enough for a hotel room. I'll be fine." I said with a wave of the hand as if it was nothing. I really hadn't thought that far along in the plan.

"Nonsense. You will be staying with us for a while. Until you get on your feet." Mizty said with a smile.

I realized what I must have looked like to them at that moment in the park alone and singing for change.

" Oh I have a house in the country. I only came to Boston to drop out for a while, get my head together and find myself again."

"Drop in , drop , out and get high. Or something like that?" Eric and Mizty said as if it was rehearsed.

"Too 60's of me?"

"Did I call it with the mother thing, or what?" Mizty said to Eric in a in-the-know manor.

"O.k., I will crash with you guys, um, ladies, um, lovely people. Where do you live anyway? " They both laughed at my stumbling over what to refer to them as.

"This lovely small place, you might remember it." Eric smiled slightly.

"My old place?"

"My old place now, honey."

"Did you change the lock?"

"Odd question, but no."

"Good," I pulled put the necklace underneath my shirt, I put my old key from my flat on it for luck. I can't believe I kept it all these years. "than this will still fit. If I knew that I could have been playing tricks on you for years. " I stuck my tongue out at him playfully.

"Meant to be!" Mizty proclaimed. "Now get your shit together and we have to get ready for the club."

First night back, and I am in my old home flat, with old friends and new ones and about to go clubbing. Yes, baby, I am back. This is what it is supposed to be like.

We got the car to the flat and got ready for the club. Eric looking dapper, Mizty looking lovely and a bit over done and me , well I found something low cut in Mizty's closet.

Ge got to the small club, It didn't take me too long to realize by the cute boy at the door, the women with butch tattoos and the queens on the stage that I was not going to find myself a man of my dreams here. Oh I did realize I was going to make a lot of friend here.

Before I could turn around Mizty was on stage and the crowd was cheering wildly.

That was the moment I realized as people smiled at me and I was cheering too: I am in the land of misfit toys. It was so nice to be home again, a tear of joy trickled down from my eye.

Friday, 4 December 2009

diamonds on the souls of her shoes,

Cindy, my sister. Still in her 20's. She is well dressed, As in "those shoes cost more than my whole family's wardrobe". But that is not hard to do nowadays.

She knows obviously, that I am her sister.

This fact hit me first.

"So, you know I am your sister and not your Aunt? When did you find out? And why no sisterly love before this?"

O.k. so at this point I was thinking how I could have used a sister since Ian left. I could have used a babysitter every now and then. I could have used a shoulder to cry on. My kids could have used a stable person around while I was falling apart.

Yeah, how long did she know?

"I tell you our mother is dead, and that is what you have to ask me?" Cindy vex perplexed. Her brows and furled and she looked at the ground to me to the sky to the rolling hills. "Don't you care?"

"I care more that you know I am your sister. I care more that you weren't around. I care to know how long." I said quickly.

She seems upset. Real upset. I had all but forgotten she and her brother existed, I almost forgot Bobbi existed. Occasionally I wonder what happened to them, whether or not they were still alive. But the thoughts didn't last long and they were far and years between.

"She was a mother to you, I get that. But you need to understand, she was not to me, nor was she that sister she pretended to be either. I didn't loose a mother, but knowing I had a sister who didn't care to contact me until now, that is a slight more important to me." I looked her straight in her harsh looking eyes. "I a, sorry for your loss, but I lost her a very long time ago. I thing it was about 8 months and 29 days before my birth. I hope you can understand my life has been very different from yours, from what little I can remember of you." I sighed and she softened.

Cindy sighed heavily too.

"I realized when you called Granny, Grandmother. I heard them talk hen they thought I was asleep. I heard Mother on the phone when you had the baby." she looked towards the car. "Your first baby." she corrected herself. "I picked up the other receiver. I heard about your brother. But after that, after that... I was young. Very young at the time. I kept it in the back of my head. When Granny died I hoped to talk to you at the wake or funeral, but you never came. No-one talked about you. When I asked where you were, I was told nobody knew." She said looking me right in the eye.

Well this seemed like a emotional sister conversation that I had seen other sisters have. I smiled. She looked confused. I hugged her. She seemed confused.

"Just like real sisters. " I said as I let her go.

"What?!" She recoiled back a little

" We see things different just like real sisters. " I smiled. " we argue the point like real sisters." I smiled again. "I could use a sister."

She smiled a little, not sure what to think. Here begins the awkward silence.

In the awkward silence my daughters came out of the car. The came and stood around me. They looked at her.

Unlike my for-mothers, I don't believe children are imbeciles or deaf. I know they are very good listeners.

"This is your aunt Cindy. "

They all looked at her wide eyed. They have gone through a lot of aunts and uncles that are no longer here. They are removed from family so easily. It is the story of almost every divorced kid. At this moment being torn away from the commune made me realized I knew this feeling too. From then on you precede with caution.

"Hello, girls." Cindy said as she bent down to little Mercy and smiled.

That was the beginning of my crazy month.

Some times you have to take time out in your life to have a crazy time.

Now I know what you might be thinking, what was all that bathtub gin about, seemed pretty crazy. Naw, that was just coping. And there is nothing like your mother dying to put just coping over the edge to crazy for a while.

If I had someone to watch the girls, I probably would have gone crazy after Ian left. I couldn't afford to. I had 4 babies. One of them literally a baby.

Now I have Cindy. I took some time to digest everything. Away from the girls.

Cindy caught me up. Cancer. Brest. Genetic kind. 6 months ago. No-one told me. No one called me. No one tracked me down until 6 months later.

Cindy finished up her schooling in Boston. Sandra. Sandra was watching over her, keeping tabs on her. She finally told her she should look me up. She should hunt me down since we lived in the same state, than slipped her my address. Took her another 6 weeks to do it.

I should be upset with Sandra and Carol for not telling me. They told Cindy it was her responsibility to tell me. To find me. To make some links back. They were right of course.

After a week at my house, after making calls to Sandra and Carol, I figured it was safe enough to leave the girls with Cindy. She was taking time off between school and life. She just broke up with her fiance she had at school. In the end they wanted different things. Nothing earth-shattering bad. She was looking for something that would take her mind off it, so many reasons why we end up where we end up, the right thing done for other reasons, still turns out to be the right thing.

She doesn't really know anything about me beyond the girl she saw so many years ago and the woman, single mother, 4 girls, slightly a bit of a train wreck she sees before her. Everything in between didn't happen, didn't exists, she never knew butterfly. It is funny , we only see people as what we see them at during that moment of time. It is hard to see them as anything else. I think that is why it is so hard to change. When people put you in a role, they like you to keep playing it. Even yourself. You get caught up in it. Role of a lifetime. This is why moving is so popular among women in my situation. You get to get a new role of a lifetime.

Best place to go crazy? Not in the town you live in. Hell no. Find a city. One far enough away you are not about to meet up with the townsfolk.

I kissed my babies goodbye. I pack my old steel guitar and a small bag with a few changes of clothes. Boston your my town. I remember how free I felt there. How bound I felt there. But mostly how young I was there. Crazy is the gift of youth and old age. You are allowed to be off center without too much judgement. In between we yearn for pieces of its sweet freedom.

Well that was my plan when I drove to Boston that last summer's day, to go crazy for a while, try to recapture my youth. Hell I promised myself I wouldn't even look at a mirror fir the time I was there.