Ugly 16

There I was looking at my Grandmother who just accused me of stealing my dress.

" I don't steal!" I replied bitingly.

"Then where did you get that gaudy thing?" she demanded.

"It's as pretty as mine, see?" my little sister keeps chirping in. She spins. "Granny made mine."

My heart sank. I didn't know these people existed, they did. I smiled at her briefly before looking at my grandmother again.

"Faith, Love and Hope. It is beautiful not gaudy! You may not think I deserve a dress but I and other people do not share your opinion , Grandmother." I walked out the room, petting my sister's head as I did.

My mother was shooting daggers at her mother. "What did she mean? You don't think she deserves a dress? Mama?! I will take her out of here if I don't think she is being treated right."

"You know plain well, you will not. Empty threats don't suit you." she quickly said to my mother.


"That dress is NOT decent for a funeral!" grandmother shouted after me.

"I will remember that for your funeral! But since it is not yours I am wearing it!" I shouted back.

I could hear my mother laughing.

"Mama" a small voice asked "why does Aunty call Grandma , Grandma?"

"Everyone calls me granny in these parts, child. Now go play."

I started down stairs as they avoided that little talk.

Grandfather sitting in his chair in the living room just looked over his glasses at me, disapproving, but not about to say a word. I felt empowered. I realized how they treated me was not quite what my mother had in mind. Their secrets and lies laid on one twist of my tongue. They needed to be careful what they say to me around this time, least I let loose everything I know. I don't know who they thought they were protecting. Innocent children. From what? ME? They are children not idiots. They should know about me, they will figure it our eventually. Or was it more lies? Had I become the can of worms? What worms didn't I know about?


I walked past grandfather and my mother's new husband and walked right out the door. I kept walking at a good pace, walked right into the barn. I went up to the loft. Moved the hay around , uncovered my old guitar. Picked it up and went back to the house.

I sat down on the porch and I started playing.

~~~~

I Be's Troubled
Well if I feel tomorrow, like I feel today
I'm gonna pack my suitcase, and make my getaway
Lord I'm troubled, I'm all worried in mind
And I'm never been' satisfied, and I just can't keep from cryin'

Yeah, I know my little old' baby, she gonna jump and shout
That ol' train be late girl, and I come walkin' out
Lord I'm troubled, I'm all worried in mind
Yeah and I'm never been' satisfied, and I just can't keep from cryin'

Yeah, I know somebody, who' been talkin' to you
I don't need no telling, girl, I can watch the way you do
And I be troubled, I be all worried in mind
Yeah and I'm never been' satisfied, and I just can't keep from cryin'
Yeah, now goodbye baby
Got no more to say

Just like I been telling' you, girl, you're gonna have to leave my way
Lord I'm troubled, I'm all worried in mind
Yeah and I'm never been' satisfied, and I just can't keep from cryin'
Yeah my baby she quit me, seem like mama was dead
I got real worried gal, and she drove it to my head
I Be's troubled, I be all worried in mind
Yeah and I'm never been' satisfied, and I just can't keep from cryin
~~~~~~

As I started up. Those old cords, that fingering so distinctive, my mother came out sat on the porch swing and started to sing with me. She had a guitar with her. She was playing ,too. Tears were coming down our faces as we sang that old tune by Muddy Waters. You see Moses and Precious, they were originally from Mississippi Delta, and settled up here before having children. It was those old delta blues we learned from him.

I never felt so connected to my mother.





When we ended, she got up , touched my shoulder. "Time to go, the dead can wait, but the preacher man, he don't want for any man, woman or child. Trust me, I remember when I played at Precious' funeral."

We drove off in a few trucks and cars, all of the family, uncles , aunts, kids, grandparents, we all drove off.

The small white baptist church on the old dirt road.

There that sentence could say volumes. Now lets add that it is a black baptist church. We had to park a half a mile away. Imagine the who were people gathered in and out. Family, friends. bartenders, ladies of ill repute, they were all there and so were we.

Moses was well loved.

I hope when my time comes, my church is not empty and the preacher is not just talking to the dead body that lay within. I want it to be as full as this church. No matter where I die. I want to make that kind of impact on the world that when I leave, people who don't even go to that church come to say their goodbyes. I want to sit atop my casket and count them all as they walk by.

I am sure Moses is doing that right now.

The walk was long and hot, the guitar seems heavier than usual. For November this was unseasonably hot. 90 degrees in the shade. This was the hardest thing I had to do. I dreaded the idea of singing before all these people. I had not even picked out a song. How can I sing when all I want to do is cry? When my heart was braking in ways I knew knew before.

The church was full, beyond capacity. People in every square inch. This made it 20 degrees hotter inside than out.

We stayed in the back. My grandfather looked uncomfortable. I hate to say, I found it funny, because I knew why. It was the first time he took the back seat to a black person. It was about time. Martin Luther King had been gone quite some time by now. It was about time.

The preacher started, with his preaching. Moses would have laughed. All the talking of clean living, of keeping the body pure of alcohol and sin. I tried not to laugh.

After a good hour of that. He stopped. He looked at the ground. gave that huge pregnant pause like he was about to say something profound, or something he didn't want to say. He looked up again. He looked at me.

"I want to welcome people into the church who may not have been here before. They come to honour this great man. This man who brought such joy into our lives. One of them has brought a guitar that brother Moses gifted to her some years ago. As I understand it it was his dying wish to have her play. Now some of you know her, she has been coming here with Moses and her family for years."

With that my grandparents snapped their heads to lo0k at me. Shocked to say the least. I heard grandmother whisper "at least she's been going to SOME church."

"She was the last of the many appearances that old brother Moses had. So please, congregation, please let her through to play here for us and Moses today." He waved his hand like Moses parting the Red Sea. "Miss Butterfly, please come forward."

That isle never seemed so long.

I sat on the pulpit near Moses' casket. I breathed out hard. I started tapping my foot as that could get the rest of my body moving. Sweat poured down. I closed my eyes. I wanted Moses to tell me what to play.

Nothing came.

Than just like that my hands started moving.

Cords started coming...

My mouth started:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gypsy woman told my momma, before I was born
You got a boy-child coming', gonna be a son-of-a-gun
Gonna make these pretty women, jump and shout
And the world will only know, a-what it's all about
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The preacher stood up and started screaming about Jezebel and evil child and what could and could not be played in church.

Before he could get to me at least 20 woman stood up including Love, Faith and Hope.

"Now you leave that child alone!"

"She is just playing one of my Daddy's favorite songs to play!"

"She is singing for the dead, there preacher, you let that child sing, Jesus be praised."

"My grand pappy, he's singing through her, you leave her be, preacher, or you will see no more of my sweet potato pie."

"Let her be, the child is being guided by other hands today."

The last woman was his wife.

"Sisters, sisters. " He said trying to calm the women who stood up, never mind the at least one hundred more that was looking at him like he best not take one more step towards me. "Well sisters, if that's how you feel, who am I to go against the families' wishes. Play on child."

Oh he said the words and sat back down, but he cringed with every word.

~~~~~~~~~~
Y'know I'm here
Everybody knows I'm here
And I'm the hoochie-coochie man
Everybody knows I'm here

On the seventh hour, of the seventh day,
on the seventh month, the seventh doctor said:
"He's born for good luck, and I know you see;
Got seven hundred dollars, and don't you mess with me

Y'know I'm here
Everybody knows I'm here
And I'm the hoochie-coochie man
Everybody knows I'm here

Gypsy woman told my momma
Said "Ooh, what a boy,
he gonna make so many women,
jump and shout for joy"

Y'know I'm here
Everybody knows I'm here
And I'm the hoochie-coochie man
Everybody knows I'm here

Gypsy woman told my momma, before I was born
You got a boy-child coming', gonna be a son-of-a-gun
Gonna make these pretty women, jump and shout
And the world will only know, a-what it's all about

Y'know I'm here
Everybody knows I'm here
And I'm the hoochie-coochie man
Everybody knows I'm here

Additional 2nd verse from original 1954 Muddy Waters take:

I got a black cat bone, I got a mojo too
I got John the Conqueror, I'm gonna mess with you
I'm gonna make you, pretty girl, lead me by the hand
Then the world will know, the Hoochie-Coochie Man

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"That was very NICE. Now you can return to your family" He said to me as he walked over gritting his teeth.

"Not yet, preacher. I have one more song." I said sheepishly.

He cringed.

The women all gave him a hard stare. "play child, play as long as you want." one of them said.

"Of course , the dead are not going anywhere." Preacher man sat back down.

I started stringing again.

As I started singing, the preacher relaxed and smiled and so did the congregation.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh uh,
I see fingers, hands and shades of faces,
Reachin up and not quite touch in the promised land,
I hear pleas and prayers and a desperate whisper sayin,
Hold on please give us a helping hand,
Yeah yeah

Way down in the background,
I can see frustrated souls of cities burning,
And all across the water vapor,
I see weapons barkin out the stamp of death,
And up in the clouds I can imagine UFO jumpin themselves,
Laughing they sayin,
Those people so uptight, they sure know how to make a mess

Back in the saloon my tears mix and mildew with my drink,
I can't really tell my feet from the stones on the floor,
But as far as I know, they may even try to wrap me up in cellophane and try and sell me
Brothers help me, and don't worry about looking at the storm
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high.
There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops, Away above the chimney tops.
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then - oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh, why can't I?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I have to admit I did mix Jimi with Dorothy, but it worked in a very blues, up lift almost gospel way. The preacher was happy and so were the women in the church. Now as I got up I started singing the old song, Amazing Grace. The preacher blesses Moses' coffin and the men came to walk him out of the church one last time. I followed, singing the song over and over again, adding lyrics as I went. The rest of the people followed after. Streams flowing out of the pews, down the isle and on the lawn. They were all singing with me. The ones who had something to play, did.

Moses was put upon a horse drawn carriage. The horses wearing black masks with feathers coming up of their heads. The carriage was painted black and we all followed him to the grave yard. To the last place we would ever see him. The final act of placing dirt in his grave, flowers and dirt, final good byes.

The rest was all a blur of food and singing old blues tunes at the family's house.

The rest as I said was all a blur. Death of people you love does that to you. You wake up out of your fog and days, weeks, months sometimes years have passed. And all you can ask is "How did I get here?"

Ugly 15

And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.



And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.



And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Though they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion.
D. Thomas
_____________________________

The Morning of the funeral.

I had argued with my grandparent to be able to go. They finally gave in, they did not know why it was so important for me to say good be to a complete stranger. Especially one "not of our race".

For all they and I knew I could have been also part of "not of our race." They always assumed my mother would not have never laid with anyone not white, I knew better. Race, colour, religion are so important here, such exclusive clubs and members can be born into, a club that shuns you if you leave or take up with members of other clubs.

I reject this reality that they saw as a immovable truth of the world. They found me naive for not holding on tight to it. They put me down for trying to show them the lines of that reality are so blurred it can make you blind. The see it so clearly, they see so clearly in it, they can not see anything beyond it's small island.

I was born into the world. On to the planet Earth. My feat firmly plant on it, it allows me to run. I look up, the sun warms my skin and lets me see far, so far , I can see all these islands and all these bigger places. How could I ever believe this reality was the only one when I can see others. I can just not take off their blinders, lift their fog, or any other euphoniums to make them see the world outside their farm, their town, their county or even their state.

So the morning of the funeral. I am in my dress, made by Love Faith and Hope. The butterflies fly free.

My Grandmother come in with my mother and sister and brother."Child!, Where on earth did you get that?! Did you steal it?"

"Auntie, you look pretty." my little sister says.

My mother looks at her shocked, she thought my grandmother had made it for me.

Wait....

Let's back up.

A day before this. I forgot a few details...

I was siting sad at the breakfast table. Barely touching my bacon and eggs. I had no where I wanted to go. I was just going to mope around the house. World is raining. Crying with my soul.

"Child, eat your food. Don't waste what the good lord provided you." grandfather said over his paper.

"I'm not hungry." I say back.

Grandfather looked angry, slammed down his paper. He was about to say something to me when their was a knock on the door. We all looked at the door. Grandmother got up and went to the door and opened it.

She laughed and cried, "Oh my sweet Jesus, you've come home!"

In walks my mother with two small children a boy and a girl. The boy about 7 and the girl about 5. Behind them comes a man a a big lapel brown suit.

"Look father, look who came how with the children!"

Grandfather got a happy expression on his face and went over to hug my mother and picked up the children.

They said all sorts of loving grandparent things to the children. Why did they not act this way with me? Those children had no butterfly on their face. they looked perfect. My mother and the man had matching gold rings. I guess they know who their father is.

Some of my aunts and uncle came over to great them. Same thing, lots of love. Lots of happiness. I notice the man in the big lapel suit look at me. He had a hard time looking away. It is as if he has no idea what to think of me. He is not repelled. He does have a look of distance. As if I was some deep dark secret that just came to the light and he is trying his best how to get the secret back into the back of the closet.

"Children come meet your Auntie Danny" he said and he brings the children over.

"Auntie? I am..."

My mother and Grandmother said together "Yes!, Dear, you are their aunt, remember?!" they looked at me with daggers.

So they will lie to these children. Am I that ugly, that shameful I should never be known as their sister, that I am not allowed to have a brother and sister. I am not allowed that closeness of siblings.

I tried to hide my tears welling in my eyes, I pushed the children aside and shoulder pushed the man out of my way. I turned to look at him in a way that said ' if you say anything I will knock you down and tell them the truth'. He dared not push his luck. I ran up to my room to cry properly.

I climbed out of my window, down the wall of the house to the wet ground. I ran in the rain, it hides tears so well. I ran over creeks, over hills, through fields to the old tree I first found the guitar, I could see the small cabin, Moses' cabin and stop and fell tot he ground. I realized he's not there anymore. I curled up under that tree, cried and cried, the rain being shielded from me. I fell asleep.

In my dream I went into the cabin. Moses is there we play chess. He wife, Precious , makes us lemon aide. She cuts cucumbers she picked in her garden and tomatoes. She sprinkles a little salt on and serves them to us.

I go to reach for one and she tells me I can not eat or drink here, but it would be rude for her not to offer.

I asked why.

"Moses says in his deep voice "Because if you eat food or drink in the land of the dead, child, you will not wake. And you have a lot of living yet." He smiles.

"Now little one, I know your heart id broken right now." Precious said. "Your mother was the same way when she would come visit us. That was long before my passing. She was there for my funeral, she sang at my funeral. It was shortly after that she left this place."

"So she came here too, did you teach her chess and the blues, too, just like me?" I looked at Moses.

"Yes, baby girl. She was good , too. Not like you. Never like you. I have never known anyone like you, child. Why do you think she is back here? Faith called her, told her what happened. Let her know it was her daughter who found me. She came back for the funeral." Moses said while moving his knight.

"I'm sorry you are dead. I miss you."

"Oh, child, I will always watch over you. You are never alone, you remember that. I am so sorry you found me. I didn't want you to see that. I know it is not your first dead body, but it was the first one you cared about." He moved his queen.

"How did you know..." I moved my rook.

"I'm dead. I know these things." He moved his bishop.

"Checkmate." I moved my queen.


"I can't even beat you dead" he chuckled.

"You are dead you old fool, not smarter. You remember THAT child, being dead doesn't make you smarter." Precious laughed.

I want to be with them, with this love I feel.I reach for a cucumber slice. "Child!" He slaps my hand "You still have things to do, important things."

"Like what?" I say sarcastically.

"I can't tell you. Just know it is true. But what I can tell you is that you promised to play the blues at my funeral, and you better keep your promise. If you don't I will haunt you all your days." And his eyes popped out of his head.

I screamed. I woke up. Wet. cold. I sat up and realized hour had passed. The rain had stopped. and there was a double rainbow over the hill. I ran and ran until I was immersed in the colours. I found the end of the rainbow it was by the lake. There was no gold...I felt immersed in the love of Moses and Precious. I felt the hatred and sadness of my mother and her family leave.

I could hear Moses say "It is was it, girl, you can't make the blind see, you can't make people understand what they can not. Dance in the rainbow, know your own love. Be your own love. Know you are perfect in every way. Even if no-one else can see it."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labour, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

We passed the school where children played,
Their lessons scarcely done;
We passed the fields of gazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.

We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.

Since then 'tis centuries; but each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.

E. Dickerson