Ugly 16

There I was looking at my Grandmother who just accused me of stealing my dress.

" I don't steal!" I replied bitingly.

"Then where did you get that gaudy thing?" she demanded.

"It's as pretty as mine, see?" my little sister keeps chirping in. She spins. "Granny made mine."

My heart sank. I didn't know these people existed, they did. I smiled at her briefly before looking at my grandmother again.

"Faith, Love and Hope. It is beautiful not gaudy! You may not think I deserve a dress but I and other people do not share your opinion , Grandmother." I walked out the room, petting my sister's head as I did.

My mother was shooting daggers at her mother. "What did she mean? You don't think she deserves a dress? Mama?! I will take her out of here if I don't think she is being treated right."

"You know plain well, you will not. Empty threats don't suit you." she quickly said to my mother.


"That dress is NOT decent for a funeral!" grandmother shouted after me.

"I will remember that for your funeral! But since it is not yours I am wearing it!" I shouted back.

I could hear my mother laughing.

"Mama" a small voice asked "why does Aunty call Grandma , Grandma?"

"Everyone calls me granny in these parts, child. Now go play."

I started down stairs as they avoided that little talk.

Grandfather sitting in his chair in the living room just looked over his glasses at me, disapproving, but not about to say a word. I felt empowered. I realized how they treated me was not quite what my mother had in mind. Their secrets and lies laid on one twist of my tongue. They needed to be careful what they say to me around this time, least I let loose everything I know. I don't know who they thought they were protecting. Innocent children. From what? ME? They are children not idiots. They should know about me, they will figure it our eventually. Or was it more lies? Had I become the can of worms? What worms didn't I know about?


I walked past grandfather and my mother's new husband and walked right out the door. I kept walking at a good pace, walked right into the barn. I went up to the loft. Moved the hay around , uncovered my old guitar. Picked it up and went back to the house.

I sat down on the porch and I started playing.

~~~~

I Be's Troubled
Well if I feel tomorrow, like I feel today
I'm gonna pack my suitcase, and make my getaway
Lord I'm troubled, I'm all worried in mind
And I'm never been' satisfied, and I just can't keep from cryin'

Yeah, I know my little old' baby, she gonna jump and shout
That ol' train be late girl, and I come walkin' out
Lord I'm troubled, I'm all worried in mind
Yeah and I'm never been' satisfied, and I just can't keep from cryin'

Yeah, I know somebody, who' been talkin' to you
I don't need no telling, girl, I can watch the way you do
And I be troubled, I be all worried in mind
Yeah and I'm never been' satisfied, and I just can't keep from cryin'
Yeah, now goodbye baby
Got no more to say

Just like I been telling' you, girl, you're gonna have to leave my way
Lord I'm troubled, I'm all worried in mind
Yeah and I'm never been' satisfied, and I just can't keep from cryin'
Yeah my baby she quit me, seem like mama was dead
I got real worried gal, and she drove it to my head
I Be's troubled, I be all worried in mind
Yeah and I'm never been' satisfied, and I just can't keep from cryin
~~~~~~

As I started up. Those old cords, that fingering so distinctive, my mother came out sat on the porch swing and started to sing with me. She had a guitar with her. She was playing ,too. Tears were coming down our faces as we sang that old tune by Muddy Waters. You see Moses and Precious, they were originally from Mississippi Delta, and settled up here before having children. It was those old delta blues we learned from him.

I never felt so connected to my mother.





When we ended, she got up , touched my shoulder. "Time to go, the dead can wait, but the preacher man, he don't want for any man, woman or child. Trust me, I remember when I played at Precious' funeral."

We drove off in a few trucks and cars, all of the family, uncles , aunts, kids, grandparents, we all drove off.

The small white baptist church on the old dirt road.

There that sentence could say volumes. Now lets add that it is a black baptist church. We had to park a half a mile away. Imagine the who were people gathered in and out. Family, friends. bartenders, ladies of ill repute, they were all there and so were we.

Moses was well loved.

I hope when my time comes, my church is not empty and the preacher is not just talking to the dead body that lay within. I want it to be as full as this church. No matter where I die. I want to make that kind of impact on the world that when I leave, people who don't even go to that church come to say their goodbyes. I want to sit atop my casket and count them all as they walk by.

I am sure Moses is doing that right now.

The walk was long and hot, the guitar seems heavier than usual. For November this was unseasonably hot. 90 degrees in the shade. This was the hardest thing I had to do. I dreaded the idea of singing before all these people. I had not even picked out a song. How can I sing when all I want to do is cry? When my heart was braking in ways I knew knew before.

The church was full, beyond capacity. People in every square inch. This made it 20 degrees hotter inside than out.

We stayed in the back. My grandfather looked uncomfortable. I hate to say, I found it funny, because I knew why. It was the first time he took the back seat to a black person. It was about time. Martin Luther King had been gone quite some time by now. It was about time.

The preacher started, with his preaching. Moses would have laughed. All the talking of clean living, of keeping the body pure of alcohol and sin. I tried not to laugh.

After a good hour of that. He stopped. He looked at the ground. gave that huge pregnant pause like he was about to say something profound, or something he didn't want to say. He looked up again. He looked at me.

"I want to welcome people into the church who may not have been here before. They come to honour this great man. This man who brought such joy into our lives. One of them has brought a guitar that brother Moses gifted to her some years ago. As I understand it it was his dying wish to have her play. Now some of you know her, she has been coming here with Moses and her family for years."

With that my grandparents snapped their heads to lo0k at me. Shocked to say the least. I heard grandmother whisper "at least she's been going to SOME church."

"She was the last of the many appearances that old brother Moses had. So please, congregation, please let her through to play here for us and Moses today." He waved his hand like Moses parting the Red Sea. "Miss Butterfly, please come forward."

That isle never seemed so long.

I sat on the pulpit near Moses' casket. I breathed out hard. I started tapping my foot as that could get the rest of my body moving. Sweat poured down. I closed my eyes. I wanted Moses to tell me what to play.

Nothing came.

Than just like that my hands started moving.

Cords started coming...

My mouth started:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gypsy woman told my momma, before I was born
You got a boy-child coming', gonna be a son-of-a-gun
Gonna make these pretty women, jump and shout
And the world will only know, a-what it's all about
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The preacher stood up and started screaming about Jezebel and evil child and what could and could not be played in church.

Before he could get to me at least 20 woman stood up including Love, Faith and Hope.

"Now you leave that child alone!"

"She is just playing one of my Daddy's favorite songs to play!"

"She is singing for the dead, there preacher, you let that child sing, Jesus be praised."

"My grand pappy, he's singing through her, you leave her be, preacher, or you will see no more of my sweet potato pie."

"Let her be, the child is being guided by other hands today."

The last woman was his wife.

"Sisters, sisters. " He said trying to calm the women who stood up, never mind the at least one hundred more that was looking at him like he best not take one more step towards me. "Well sisters, if that's how you feel, who am I to go against the families' wishes. Play on child."

Oh he said the words and sat back down, but he cringed with every word.

~~~~~~~~~~
Y'know I'm here
Everybody knows I'm here
And I'm the hoochie-coochie man
Everybody knows I'm here

On the seventh hour, of the seventh day,
on the seventh month, the seventh doctor said:
"He's born for good luck, and I know you see;
Got seven hundred dollars, and don't you mess with me

Y'know I'm here
Everybody knows I'm here
And I'm the hoochie-coochie man
Everybody knows I'm here

Gypsy woman told my momma
Said "Ooh, what a boy,
he gonna make so many women,
jump and shout for joy"

Y'know I'm here
Everybody knows I'm here
And I'm the hoochie-coochie man
Everybody knows I'm here

Gypsy woman told my momma, before I was born
You got a boy-child coming', gonna be a son-of-a-gun
Gonna make these pretty women, jump and shout
And the world will only know, a-what it's all about

Y'know I'm here
Everybody knows I'm here
And I'm the hoochie-coochie man
Everybody knows I'm here

Additional 2nd verse from original 1954 Muddy Waters take:

I got a black cat bone, I got a mojo too
I got John the Conqueror, I'm gonna mess with you
I'm gonna make you, pretty girl, lead me by the hand
Then the world will know, the Hoochie-Coochie Man

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"That was very NICE. Now you can return to your family" He said to me as he walked over gritting his teeth.

"Not yet, preacher. I have one more song." I said sheepishly.

He cringed.

The women all gave him a hard stare. "play child, play as long as you want." one of them said.

"Of course , the dead are not going anywhere." Preacher man sat back down.

I started stringing again.

As I started singing, the preacher relaxed and smiled and so did the congregation.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh uh,
I see fingers, hands and shades of faces,
Reachin up and not quite touch in the promised land,
I hear pleas and prayers and a desperate whisper sayin,
Hold on please give us a helping hand,
Yeah yeah

Way down in the background,
I can see frustrated souls of cities burning,
And all across the water vapor,
I see weapons barkin out the stamp of death,
And up in the clouds I can imagine UFO jumpin themselves,
Laughing they sayin,
Those people so uptight, they sure know how to make a mess

Back in the saloon my tears mix and mildew with my drink,
I can't really tell my feet from the stones on the floor,
But as far as I know, they may even try to wrap me up in cellophane and try and sell me
Brothers help me, and don't worry about looking at the storm
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high.
There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops, Away above the chimney tops.
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then - oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh, why can't I?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I have to admit I did mix Jimi with Dorothy, but it worked in a very blues, up lift almost gospel way. The preacher was happy and so were the women in the church. Now as I got up I started singing the old song, Amazing Grace. The preacher blesses Moses' coffin and the men came to walk him out of the church one last time. I followed, singing the song over and over again, adding lyrics as I went. The rest of the people followed after. Streams flowing out of the pews, down the isle and on the lawn. They were all singing with me. The ones who had something to play, did.

Moses was put upon a horse drawn carriage. The horses wearing black masks with feathers coming up of their heads. The carriage was painted black and we all followed him to the grave yard. To the last place we would ever see him. The final act of placing dirt in his grave, flowers and dirt, final good byes.

The rest was all a blur of food and singing old blues tunes at the family's house.

The rest as I said was all a blur. Death of people you love does that to you. You wake up out of your fog and days, weeks, months sometimes years have passed. And all you can ask is "How did I get here?"