Ugly p 27

It has been 2 weeks since I threw out Miles. It is all a blur really. A lot of the boys in my apartment. They take turns watching me and Freedom. And Watching Freedom so I can play in the part or the club. A lot of times we take her with us and have her enjoy the sun and music.

I hadn't seen or heard Oldest Father or Kim since that night. Maybe they were both in my imagination or some weird brain tumor like in a soap opera.

It is a beautiful late summer day in Boston. Lots of tourist in Boston in summer. They are from small towns where people don't play in the park for some spare change, they are either really cheap or really gergious. I sing a lot of old blues songs, or 1960's folk rock. It is popular. But the songs are pretty depressing. Love lost and such. A lot of Janis. Very popular with the women.

Eric today is holding Freedom as I play and sing. He is on the bench, has her in a carriage, ,this makes it look like tourist enjoying my music, more people come that way.

I look down to figure out my next selection.


"Why don't you sing that poppet something more fitting for childhood?" I hear money drop in my case with the request.

I look up.I look at Eric. He is smiling. "I guess this one was real." He says with a snicker.

"One of the boys?" I asked him quietly.

"Not one of my kind, darling, I do believe he is one of yours." Eric is still smiling at the tall man with long dreadlocks standing in front of me.

"Well, Emma, are you going to play something fitting for your daughter? I paid my money. Play my request, Luv." He said with a British accent. But he always had one.

"Hey, what did you call me?" Now I am curious, I had been chassing his ghost for so long, well it seemed so long. But how did he know that name.

"Emma. A good English name." He smiles, the one that files the whole world.

"Only one person called me that."

"Must have been the one who told me your name, then."

I started singing so I could digest this. Luke is dead. Luck called me Emma. And Kim is standing right in front of me. In all of my thoughts the best I could sing was this.



" Ha. An old girl's song. You can do better than that. She's your daughter after all." He said with a challenging look on his face.

I sit down. How does he know she's mine?

"How do you know she's not his? " I motion to Eric. "He's holding her."

"Because ta queen would have to change sex and have her himself, if EVER he was to have a baby, Duck are just not his bag, baby."

Well he is observant. I will give him that. I start singing. More and more people come as I do. I sing to Freedom. She smile's at me.





"Ah, now that is better. Her smile is just like her Ma's How could she be anyone else's child."

"Answers. NOW. Kim."

Now it was his turn to be shocked a bit.

"What, you think you were the only one with mystical powers? I thought I would open a juju shop in Salem. 'Madame Butterfly'" I said smiling at him, it was the only thing I had, I needed to use it before he introduced himself.

"So ya Ma told ya I was coming?"

"No, we don't talk." The night at the ER, I think back, 'Some guy was looking for you' maybe I should have called her back to talk a bit the next day. Damn.



"Oh, ta shame. A child should always talk to their Ma."

Who is he to say. Now I am getting pissy. "Not of they never acted like one and gave you up and than denied you to your siblings."

He has his hands up now. "Whoa, too much anger, little one. I came to find you, not talk about ya ma."

"Why did you come here, to find me, calling me a name that no-one has called me since I was about 4? Who told you the name?"

"Ma Da told me about you, gave me photos when he visitied me and Ma. Gave us money when he could. Gave me photos of you and him, said I had a sister."

"Well it ain't me, babe. I have no father."

Kim takes an envelope out of his bag. Opens it and hands the photos to me. They are of me and Oldest Father. There is one of a little boy and a woman and oldest father.

"Ah, that one's me and me ma and me da." He is smiling at these old photos.

"So you are Luke's son?" I was astonished.

No wonder I was so attracted to him, so drawn to him. There must be a piece of oldest father in his dark body that called to me.

" I heard he died back when I was abut 6. I'm sorry." I said trying to look distrote.

"That was a long time ago. I had hoped to meet you there. But I as told you were living with your grandparents by than."

"What did he die of." OH, that was insensitive. It was just that I wanted to know since the phone call with Bobbie that night. Again another thing I meant to talk to her about.

" It 'twas the 60's. An OD just like most of the ones who died. I spent a lota nights what ifing when I was younger. But by the time Ma married and me step Da became a Da to me and they had their own, I stopped.. He always said he was your Da." He looked at Freedom, touched her head. "He would have loved this little one."

"He was a good guy, from what I remember. Always acted like as father to me, but truth be told my mother has no clue who fathered me, too many orgies around the time I was conceived. Too many men. He was just one who stuck around." I look at him

"Your Ma told me something similar, less tarty version, but still insisted you were not my sister."

"Sorry, I am not your sister, but that means we can date. "

He looked at me with a bit of ick on his face.

"Or not if I am that repulsive." I started picking at my guitar again hoping to end that awkward moment.

"No, not at all, you are a lovely lass, a bit young for me, but lovely."

"I have a kid, I get that, too much baggage."

"No, I have been told since I was 6 years old, that I have a sister. And she is you. And you still might be, we just don't know. Da was citrine, said you had his grands nose and hands."

"You do realize we are not talking 3 men here, that we are talking dozens upon dozens of men?"

"Oh, girlfriend, your mom got her freak on!" Eric chimed in, loving this, he really never knew this about me.. He covers Freedom's ears "But, I don't think baby Free should hear the slutty details about her grandmother.

Kim looked half amused at Eric. "It just means it is 1 in 12 or 1 in 14 chance, but the chance is there. My Da, my step Da, has a bit of money, did well for 'im self back home in England. My Ma said she would pay for the test. We can know for sure. It is all I ask of you, than I will leave ya if ya want either way. I just want to know."

"Blood tests are crap, so we might have the same blood type, half the guys probably did."

"DNA, Luv. They can tell if we had the same Da pretty accurately. Will ya? "

I looked around. He seemed so real, all he asked is if I was his sister. It would be nice to know.

" How painful is this test?" I asked.

"Just some blood, not painful at all, the wait of a few months is the more painful than the blood that will be drawn. Then we can know if this little poppet has an Uncle Kim from England." He smiled as he played with Freedom's hand. " Wouldn't you like that, little one? " He bends back up and looks at me. "And wouldn't it be nice to have big brother? We can never have too many family." He smiled at me.

A brother. A brother who knows about me and likes me and wants to be my brother. A musical brother. A brother that looks like a lion and sings like Bob Marley and has a Brutish accent. A Brother.

"O.k., what do I have to loose."

"Ta, than it is done, we can go right now." He wraps his arms around me and hugs like he will never let go.

I had pictured my first meeting of Kim to end up in his arms, not quite like this though.





I sat own and played an old Bob Dylan tune. Kim got his steel Drum and played alone. I know the meaning was slightly diffrent, but the love was still there.

Ugly p 26

lepidopterist
Noun
a person who studies or collects moths and butterflies.

I hop up the stairs. All happy and all. Kim, his name is Kim.

I open the door, the cloud of smoke comes out to choke me. I cough. I look inside, and see the most horrible sight.

"What is that!" I scream as I point to the frame on the wall.

"My mother sent it, she thought the baby would like it." Miles said with a smile.

"Why, the hell would I like it! Or Freedom for that matter! It is horrid!" I replied.

"She is a lepidopterist, she collects butterflies. I think they are beautiful.She really respects their beauty. I thought you would get that?"

"And than she puts a pin through them, she is sick! Why would I like that?"

"Hey I pinned you! You seemed to like it." He said with a smile and a slap to my ass.

I shuttered and went to see Freedom.

He was over her in her crib blowing pot smoke in her face.

"What the fuck are you doing?! You are not suppose to be in here! This is a pot free zone! You know that!" I look at him with daggers in my eyes. I go to grab Freedom.

"I wasn't hurtin' her. She was crying. We got her to stop, she's happy now. You know you can be such a bitch some times Dani, loosen up." Davey replied as if I caught him taking a cookie, not getting my daughter high.

Before I could reply I I noticed the baby bottle not filled with my milk but beer.
"WHAT THE FUCK!"

"You know you shouldn't yell around the baby like that, you really are not the best mother."

I take the bottle, not the baby. I get in Davey's face, I had to stand on tip toes. "HOW MUCH DID YOU GIVE HER! How much asshole? Do I need to take her to the hospital?"

HE takes me by the shoulders and pushes me onto the bed. "I said calm down, bitch. You know you really are an irrational little girl, not the type to be able to care for a baby, running around all night, leaving her alone. You are not taking her anywhere. They will just take her away from an unfit mother like you if you do."

With that Davey left to go join Miles in the living room. Laughing all the way. I could hear him say "Man you got to put a leash on that bitch of yours, and a muzzle, too. I don't know how you stand it."

I looked at the bottle, it was only about an eighth drunken. I think she will be o.k. I opened the window. Got her a bottle of milk from the fridge. I hoped it would dealt the alcohol and pot. I went back in the kitchen, found myself a great big old knife. I will show him 'irrational bitch'.

I ran into the living room knife in one hand, beer baby bottle in the other.
"Miles, dear, did you have anything to do with this, or do I just kill Davey?"

"She's crazy man!" Dave said as he moved away from me into a corner.

"That's right, funny man, if I am going to be a crazy bitch, I will eat your heart while I am doing it. You know it is a Voodoo thing, I learned about that from the blues man who taught me to play guitar." I said moving closer to the weaving Davey trying to find a way around me without getting cut.

Miles is laughing his butt off on the couch while I am ready to cut his best pot head friend.

Dave pushes by me and runs to the door. I follow. "Don't you ever come back, or your heart is mine!" I yelled after him.

Miles is now behind me. "That was fuckin' great, babe, he bought it hook line and sinker. You will have to do something else crazy next week to freak him out." He's still laughing.



"You too." I say very plainly.

"what, babe? Oh you are just riled up, why don't you calm down and make us something to eat. You will feel better." He is still smiling. He thinks it's a joke, he thinks I am a joke, he doesn't even think of Freedom. She is nothing but something for him to get high and laugh at.

"G-E-T O-U-T!"

He stops laughing. Now we are reversed. He is in front of the open door. I am near the wall. I put down the baby bottle full of beer.

"Get ouuuuuuuuuuch." He threw me up against the wall. His normally calm face is in mine now.

"You know I will take the baby away from you. You are nuts. Me and my mother . Against an unstable 16 year old girl. What judge wouldn't choose us. You have over stepped your bounds here, why don't you calm down. I will go get the brat and we will sit and watch t.v.." He let me down and to a step towards the baby's room.

"NOT MY DAUGHTER!" heard the familiar voice come from the open door. Next thing I knew Miles flew backwards down the 4 stairs to the landing and against the wall. I was in the door way. Oldest father.

I heard Eric and the boys down stairs "Butterfly, are you o.k.?"

"You got lucky, Dani. You were lucky to have me!" Miles screamed.

"NO, You got lucky and your luck just ran out!"

"She's mine. I will change her name. You'll never see her again and you will never even know her name. You are so fucked, bitch!" he snarled with a grin on his face.

I was calm and smiling. "I don't think so, you see Granny gave me only one gift. Don't you remember that paper you and your mom signed when I was pregnant?" I gave him a moment "You remember before I got sent away... The one where you both signed away any rights to MY daughter? And don't even think about braking into the apartment to find it. It's not here. "

I tuned and grabed the butterflies pinned in a frame and threw it at him.It cut him on the forehead. Blood dropping down. "Give your mother my regards."

I was about to slam the door when he said "But I'm the FATHER!? I have rights!"

"I don't know what you are, but you are no father. Luke, have fun beating him."

I slammed the door, but looked out the peep hole to see how badly Luke would hit Miles.

The though came to me, I am alone. I am truly alone. As I put my back to the door. A knock.

I turned and opened the door, "Daddy!"

There stood Eric and the boys, some of the boys were escorting Miles out. Listening to gay men showering threats at Miles was mildly amusing.

"Daddy, honey I ain't your Daddy and I never will be any woman's. Are you o.k?! And who is Luke?" Eric said very hurriedly.

"Luke, he's the older guy who pulled Miles off me. Where did he go?"

" Luke, Kim, all these imaginary men, girl I wish I had your imagination. How hard did he hit you, has he been hitting you in the head this week?" Eric said as he came in.

"No he only shoved me against the wall today. Really, the older guy? Please?" Now I am worried why I am seeing people who are not there.

Eric asked what happened. I explained, he rushed into see Freedom. He got some water to give to her. He convinced me to take her to the ER, though I feared someone would take her away.

At at ER waiting room I asked "Eric, why were you at my house tonight?"

"You were so out of it tonight, I just wanted to make sure you got him alright. Looks like you know how to take care of business. I didn't think you kick like that. When I said you should kick him out, I didn't mean literally. Ha ha." Eric kept the puns up for a while.

"Hey, Butterfly girl, I am glad you finally came to your senses I can finally tell Sandra and Carol it is o.k. to come visit again."

"Yeah, you cannnnn. " I stopped in my tracks "What do you mean? How do you know them?" Now I was studding him closely.

"Honey, we all know each other, us endanger species. They asked me to keep an eye on you." Now he was smiling. " I am so relieved I don;t have to keep that secret any more."

I signed, what are you going to do. So I cuddled int his armpit/ Hey he always smells good.

"Hey, Eric, can you watch Freedom I need to use the pay phone.".

He nodded and got up routed around in my coat for some dimes. I took out my little purple book. Looked up the number and dialed.

"Hey, is my Mot... Is Bobbie there?"

It was only 10pm over there but the guy on the phone acted like it was 1 am.

"Hi, Bobbie, it's me Danni. "

"How are you? How is the baby?"

I looked around the ER. "Fine, we are fine. What I really called you for was to know if you kept up with Luke?"

"Luke who, honey?"

"Luke they guy who took me fishing when I was little. The guy who held me at Woodstock when you came back. You know they guy you loved."

"Oh. Him. I haven't thought about him in years. Until recently. You are the second person who brought him up in a month's time. Why do you want to know about him?"

"I thought I saw him tonight."

"I don't think so dear."

"What make you so sure."

"He's dead. He died about 2 years after you left."

"Are you sure?" I was shocked.

"I did go to his funeral. We all did."

"I didn't, why didn't I? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't think you would remember him."

"Well I did."

"I'm sorry, if I knew he meant so much. But that is a long time ago."


I hear Freedom's name called.

" I have to go."

"Wait, some guy a few years older than you is looking for you, I sent him your way."

They call her name again.

"I really got to go, bye."

I hung up the phone.

Eric went with Freedom and me into the ER. All those questions. He answered most of them. He explained that I was a victom of domestic violence. That I finally got the strength to end it when Miles drugged my baby. that I had asked Eric and the boys for back up. That I was NEVER going to let the abuser back near the baby or me again. I just kept nodding and sobbing. The nurse was convinced. They gave Freedom some test, for alcohol poisoning and such. They wanted to make sure she didn't; get too much into her system. It seems she barley had any in her. The nurse believes she must have thrown up most of whatever she drank. Thank God.

They checked out me. Bruises were starting to show on my torso from being pushed and shaved, they were convinced solidly of Eric's story. He contently left out the 16 year old part and the club singer.

"Nurse Nancy, Danni here is a young mother who trusted the wrong guy. He threatened to take the baby if she brought her here. You can see that she cared more about her baby than the idea she would be taken away. If this is reported she might find that threat a reality. Is there anything we can do?" He winked at her.

"She's fine. I can see she is a good mother. I see so many babies brought here by grandmothers and police." She looked at me now, " I hope you learned your leson and are more careful who you let around your baby and you."

"Yes. Mame."

She slipped pieces of paper from Freedoms and mine file to Eric.

"You better leave now, Quickly." She said over her glasses. "And keep up with the water and breast milk, she should be fine.

We exited stage right, right quick.

As soon as we were out of there I said. "That was sure lucky to get an understanding nurse."

"You make your own luck. And it helps if you stack the deck." Eric said.

"What do you mean?"

"I told you we all know each other. She's one of the endangered." He smiled.

He walked me home and helped me clean the sheets of the beds. We found where Freedom threw up the beer. He stayed with me that night. HE slept in my bed. I never felt so safe with a man in my bed. And he smelt damn good.