It's weird to be back

I headed into Boston.

I thought about a lot of things. Mostly about Bobbie. About how she died. About how final it was. About how young she was. Only 15 years older than I. About genetics. About me only having 15 years left to live. Well less than that now. Mercy will only be 17. Will she graduate before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

I thought about how Bobbie gave me up so easily. I thought about how easy it was for her not to believe I existed any more like some childhood mistake. She didn't even ask for me when she was dying. She never once asked Cindy to find me and my children to see her one last time.

Only in Hollywood do we believe that people repent for their sins on their deathbeds. Maybe they don't consider their sins sins at all. I wondered if I could have given up my daughters so easily, and so fatality that even as I lay dying for months I do not call out for them.

Less than 15 years now. Let's get this party started.



I felt the years melt away as I approached my old stomping grounds. I had 200 dollars in my pocket and that was a lot more than I had back in the day.

I found a place that was safe to park the car for free. This is not an easy task, it took some time. I found the T and road it to the commons.

There I found my old place. The sun feeling great on my older skin. The freedom was lifting all those burdens from my shoulders. I hate to admit I let myself forget I had 4 little girls. I let myself just be me. I have felt so over burdened by single motherhood that I almost forgot I existed.

But here I am, sun sitting pretty in sky, light breeze, swans, people of all races, and the smell of the city. Here I am. I am here. I am so in this moment of myself it over powers me and I forget to breath. I realize this as everything started to blacken around me.

I open the case and take out my old friend. I leave the case open , for the donations of the patrons of the arts. I start strumming. Ah yes, I remember you here, old friend. I begin to play. I play a whole song before my voice wants to join in.



Ah but when I started, it was like I never left the park. People started throwing monetary homage to me. Well, me and the ghosts of soulful blues artists. I wished I lived closer to Boston where I could do this a few times a week. But it would cost me as much in gas as I would make. That would never do.

The faces are not the same as before. But people are people. It was great to seeing all the younger people grooving to the older music. Rap was one style I could never get into. I am taking them all along my musical ride. And I am losing my years as I do.

Hey wait. That face looks a little familiar. Older, but familiar just the same. But so many faces can look the same from people who live in the same place. On his arm is a very tall black man in 3 inch spiked heels. Oh he is also in a very pretty yellow dress. He smiles wide at me, I thought his lipstick would crack. Oh I like this one. And I have to find out where he gets that lipstick, I think it is my shade.





"Butterfly as I live and breath!" The familiar shorter-than-his-friend man said. The voice came echoing out of the past as well. I just looked at him try so hard to find him in my memory banks of my mind.

He laughs. "Oh sweetheart!, You don't remember me after leaving your apartment to me and the boys and a month of food back in the 80's! Girlfriend, no-one knew where you were until this Queen from England came over and brought one of your records with her!" He smiles. Oh that smile.

"AHHHHHH! Oh my god, ERRRRIIICCCCCCCCC!!!!!!!!!" I screeched as I threw my arms around him.

I felt large arms around us both. "Hey I wanted some sugar ,too." He said as I looked at him with a smile and I kissed his cheek. "Oh , you so sweet!"

The embrace lasted longer than any hug from a man I had had in the last 5 years.

"Eric who is your lovely friend? And you have my album?" I said still beaming.

"Oh darling, Lady Butterfly, this is Mizty." He smiles as he motioned to the lady. His actions over dramatically.

"Oh the songs we played in the club years. You know that mother of yours came looking for you 2 days after that horrible little prick and his mother. Everybody looking for the baby. All they found was a bunch of boys, sometimes at play." he smiled wide. " Poor southern minds got blown wide open. One day a group from DSS came. Oooo we had some fun with her. We told her we ate the baby. They actually took samples of our poop. Funny Bitch she was. You should have seen what we did to her afterwards." He laughed a devious laugh and a twinkle in his eye went along so well with his hand gesture that said don't ask. "Never mind, don't ask, I don't want you involved." he laughed, we all laughed.

I can just see all those uptight judgemental people coming to find me. This is how he reminds me. This is how the universe reminds me f who I am. That people did care. That I did belong.

"My mother came?"

"Yeah, she said that the boy's mother called her all upset. She said where ever you were, you should stay there." Things got serious in his voice. "When we realized you were in England, we didn't tell anyone. We were glad you got out. So how is your mother? "

"Dead."

"Oh, I'm..."

Did I say serious? nothing gets more serious than DEAD.

"I never saw her after I left. She never called. It was like she didn't exist, now she doesn't. No big deal." I said shrugging it off. I was trying to believe it myself.

"Now, girl, that is your mama, and what ever did or didn't happen that is your mama and it effects you." Strong arms are holding me again.

I smile and sit back down and start strumming again.




As the sun started going down. I started packing it all up. Eric and Mizty came strolling by.

"Hey where are you staying, sweety?" Eric inquired.

"Ummm... I hadn't thought about that. I have a car. I don't think I made enough for a hotel room. I'll be fine." I said with a wave of the hand as if it was nothing. I really hadn't thought that far along in the plan.

"Nonsense. You will be staying with us for a while. Until you get on your feet." Mizty said with a smile.

I realized what I must have looked like to them at that moment in the park alone and singing for change.

" Oh I have a house in the country. I only came to Boston to drop out for a while, get my head together and find myself again."

"Drop in , drop , out and get high. Or something like that?" Eric and Mizty said as if it was rehearsed.

"Too 60's of me?"

"Did I call it with the mother thing, or what?" Mizty said to Eric in a in-the-know manor.

"O.k., I will crash with you guys, um, ladies, um, lovely people. Where do you live anyway? " They both laughed at my stumbling over what to refer to them as.

"This lovely small place, you might remember it." Eric smiled slightly.

"My old place?"

"My old place now, honey."

"Did you change the lock?"

"Odd question, but no."

"Good," I pulled put the necklace underneath my shirt, I put my old key from my flat on it for luck. I can't believe I kept it all these years. "than this will still fit. If I knew that I could have been playing tricks on you for years. " I stuck my tongue out at him playfully.

"Meant to be!" Mizty proclaimed. "Now get your shit together and we have to get ready for the club."

First night back, and I am in my old home flat, with old friends and new ones and about to go clubbing. Yes, baby, I am back. This is what it is supposed to be like.

We got the car to the flat and got ready for the club. Eric looking dapper, Mizty looking lovely and a bit over done and me , well I found something low cut in Mizty's closet.

Ge got to the small club, It didn't take me too long to realize by the cute boy at the door, the women with butch tattoos and the queens on the stage that I was not going to find myself a man of my dreams here. Oh I did realize I was going to make a lot of friend here.

Before I could turn around Mizty was on stage and the crowd was cheering wildly.



That was the moment I realized as people smiled at me and I was cheering too: I am in the land of misfit toys. It was so nice to be home again, a tear of joy trickled down from my eye.