I need a man

The next week I gave up on the idea of a one night stand.

The guy at the bar and finding more solace in the bartender was making things clearer. We find comfort where it comes, not where we look for it.

Or like I have become fond of saying in my head: "Boys are stupid."

I still played the other bars a few nights a week and came back to the gay bar at night or played before the shows. I made good money. And got lots of hugs and cuddles from the boys and girls of the club. This seemed good enough. It was more than I had had in years. It reminded me of something all humans need. Without it we become distant, detached, and plainly unable to connect.

Love. Sex. Why we crave it? Well, why I craved it. Human connection. Not even pleasure. Since pleasure is but a means to connection which is my real goal . Now I understand, such an aha moment, the love the boys and the girls who are boys give me works. It works on so many levels.

Anyway, getting your time of the month is a great time to say "forget getting laid, I need a cuddle.".

Cuddles I got. The bartender made sure of it. Though every night he got a little more grabby. I think he was just making sure they were real. My girls, that is.

Finally, Saturday came, my Aunt Flow left. I was feeling myself again. I must tell you sharing house with a boy pretending to be a girl and being a real girl with real girl things happening was a little odd. I found myself trying very hard to hid the evidence. Triple bagged it. Stuffed it under bad food in the trash. Mizty still manged to figure it out quickly.

"Honey, only women bleed!" He smiled "You need to stop acting like a girl with her first blood."

And Eric laughed. "I almost forgot about that. She's right Honey, don't be ashamed you don't have a penis. What did you think we were going to send you to the lesbians for a week?" He laughed again and kissed me on the cheek.

Almost a week past.

Tonight is Saturday night. It is warm outside, the walk through the streets from the gay club to the singles bar I was playing at was a pleasant one. I was all revved up to try again. Visions of men parts and naked arms in embraces went through my head and I hardly noticed the mile walk at all. It is still about 76 degrees is this arm late summers night in Boston.

I got to the bar, streaming with beautiful and not so beautiful people, mostly under 30. I was feeling a bit old. But I snapped out of it, so what if the homme du jour is a little younger, as long as he knows how to use his equipment to my satisfaction.

I sat up at my stool, took out my guitar. I began to play some songs to set up the mood while looking for perspective prey. I feel like such a hunter and the sings work for the crowd anyway.





The funny thing about this bar, is that most of the patrons are white. I see a few bigger girls in the audience. You know they need some attention too. I had to play a song to remind the men not to ignore them.



Funny in a more mixed race crowd this would not be necessary, but it seems to work, I see some men asked them to dance, and boy, are they enjoying themselves. I love to see that. It is getting me into the mood even more.

It seem the magic of music , the whipping the air into a lusty potion worked. For them. Not me. They all paired off. There were some older gents left. But I am not about to go that far older than me just yet.

I fell good anyway. Being turned on. But I was the magician in the middle, I was Mickey Mouse, making it all happen. All the mops dancing about. There is a good feeling to that too, even if I was not involved in the end results.

The tip glass was over flowing by all the happily horny people who left and that was a wonderful bonus. Got paid, by the owner, and headed back to the Cabaret. That's what it is called by the way. Simply The Cabaret.

The walk back was still warm and pleasant. The summer haze of the city obscured the stars, but I was sure they were there, at least I remember when I looked up to see them and I could see them. Just not here. I feel briefly that I should be someone where else where the stars are very clear and bright and there are not car sounds at midnight only that of animals on the hunt for some tasty unsuspecting morsel.

The sounds of the beginning of the last song of the show shooed the thoughts out of my head.

Chrystal, the blond busty bartender, smiles at me and hands me a drink "this a something I have been toying with, hope you like it?"

"Thanks, beautiful." I smiled back and started sipping, fruity, Malibu, and very delightful. " It's good, what do you call it?"

"Butterfly. I am glad you like it, otherwise the name would have been awkward." he winked at me as he went to the other side of the bar to get all the drinks ready for last call.

When last call was done, Chrystal came back to me with my last Butterfly drink. " So, no luck again tonight?"

"Naw, but that's o.k.. I set the mood for a lot of other people, sex is in the air."
I said really meaning it.

"Everyone but you? Been that way here, too."

"No luck for you either?" I smiled at him.

"Ah, none of them my type, beautiful." He winked at me in a playful way.

"Back at yeah, beautiful"

The people were all most out of the bar.

"Play me a song while I clean up, wont you?" Crystal asked lovingly. "You know how much I like your music, sing me a woman, sing me something hopeful, sing me something sad."

"You don't ask for much Crystal, do ya? Is Janis o.k.?"

"Always."







By the time I was down with the last song he was sitting by me. The bar and tables all cleaned up. Mizty was still not ready. I put my old guitar away.

"That was beautiful, Honey."

"Thanks. Glad I could be of service." I said with a smile.

I sat back down back down next to him. I cuddled into his arm. Dressed as a woman or not, I was still small compared to him and his arms are still strong. He just has boobs bigger than mine in the way. They do make good head rests. And so they have become my favorite pillows of late.

I stretched up my neck to kiss him on the check like I usually do and he met my lips with his. First I thought, 'our lipsticks will clash, I am not really a pink lipstick person'. The second thought was 'This is not just a peck' as our mouths opened up.

Time stopped in there for a while. My first real kiss from a man in years and his lipstick clashes with mine.

Mizty proclaimed "Now that is the way to kiss a transvestite! You could give lessons, Baby!"

I broke out of my spell.

I looked at Chrystal and then to the girls all watching us.

"DAMN!" Chrystal proclaimed with his lips pressed tight. "Ahhhhh!" And again he presses his lips and a tear ran down his cheek.

Mizty looks at him over top to bottom and laughs full bodily. "Oh, doll, did you just pop your tape?"

The rest start giggling.

"Tape?" I am confused, by more than tape. "Wait, Chris, aren't you gay?"

"Baby girl, he popped his tape for you! What do you think?" The Asian queen, JuJu Bee, said.

I just looked confused.

"The tape to hold his winkle down, for that all so smooth girl like muffin instead of the bulgy boy look that poor Chrystal now has." She giggles at his pain as she wiggles like a girl.

"I'm not gay!" Chrystal said as he came close to me again. "I like girls, so much so I like being a girl, but I am still a man. And I like you."

With that he leaned in and kissed me again.

A chorus of "awww" came out.

"Let's work this out at my place, o.k." He said with a smile.

Off to his place we went.

I was so used of seeing him as Crystal that without the wig, without the makeup, the short cropped hair and shaven body we very odd to me. He has to convince me a bit he was still Chrystal, the one who loved Janis Joplin songs.

I must say we had fun exploring this for the next few days.

Detail would be pornographic, and a lady doesn't get that crude. I will say I felt loved and connected to the rest of humanity and wonderful pleasure. I felt like a sexual being again.

Across the Universe

Time flies when you are having fun. And I have tried to breath in every great smelling man in the club and remember every second of the reemerging me. I know this time will be over all to soon.

Ever feel that way? You realize the storm lays beyond the horizon, you know you want to stay safe and warm. You try the best you can to rejoice in the warmth of the sun, but your knowledge of the storm lingers in your mind.

I have been here a week.

Now about this time I realize I need to go back. I also have a overwhelming feeling if I do I will die, my soul will shrivel and my body will follow it down that hole. That feeling helps me stay here and convince all my good seances that Cindy was raised in a way I was not. A very normal way. I tell myself this will be a good experience for the girls. I tell myself "isn't this a great opportunity for Cindy to really get to meet and bond with her nieces?" I tell myself one more week, thing nothing more of children, you are not Mumma, you are Butterfly the musician, you are a magical being and you are free. One more week will not hurt anything.

Anyway, I am working of sorts. The more money I earn, the easier it will be this winter to get food and clothes for them. At the club the owner has let me play for tips before the girls come on, as long as it is befitting of the beautiful queens. A lot of women artists. Before I leave the stage Mizty or another will come out and demand the patrons put money in my case. Oh, it works, you have a 6 foot something drag queen demanding you pay the little lady , they do.

During the day I am in my old stomping grounds. I have even gotten one or two gigs here and there in other clubs this week. First week I made over $500. That money will go far back on the farm. I can't believe I have come to the point where that is good money for a week. This week I should make more with the club gigs I have.

I put the girls out of my head for another week.



I have enjoyed the love and attention I get from the boys and girls of the club.

When I started playing down the street for a regular pub, I was shocked at the difference in the vibe.

I looked around between songs for possible shagging material.

Man in his 30's at the bar. Well groomed. Not poor, at least that is what his clothes say. Dark hair , fair skin, white smile, fairly good muscle structure. I do one quick check of the hand. Nope, no wedding ring. This could be a winner.

I try giving him the eye while singing. He seems to be into it.

Good.

Hey being around the boys has not made me forget how to act around the opposite sex. I felt all sorts of confidences come back. Between sets I walk up to the bar and sit next to him. He looks down and me and smiles.

"You sing great, where did you learn?" He inquires with a smooth voice.

"thanks, I learned from an old delta blues man."

He looks at me like I just feed him the biggest line.

"In Kentucky. I lived in Kentucky as a kid. There were some Blues bars down there. He was my Grandparent's neighbour." Something in there was akin to the truth. I smiled at Mr. Prospective Shag.

He was in middle management. He was happy in middle management looking to climb the corporate ladder. It is good to be happy in what you do. We should all feel like what we do makes a difference. Even if it doesn't, or we are just cogs in the machine. We have to feel like a useful cog.

Well he seemed well enough for a shag after the show.

"You going to stick around for the second set?" I asked.

"I wouldn't miss it." He smiled a confident smile back. "maybe we can get a bit somewhere after?"

"Sounds great, I could eat something." A girl should never admit she is starving. I have been trying to save my money and not spend it on stupid things like food. And my new diet has me losing about 10 pounds. Oh I get feed from Eric and Mitzy. But with my playing that ends up being about once a day.

I walk away, I can feel him checking out my ass as I walk away, I swing my hips some.

I settle myself in for the second set. And just in case he forgot what might be on my mind, I played songs that would not let him forget.








You know I got so into the idea of sex I hardly saw the women come into the bar and sit next to him.

She was professional looking, tall and thin. She seemed so put together. Too put together for here.

It has been so long that I forgot what the educate is when another is sniffing around your perspective shag for the evening. Was it a bar stool to the head, an slight dunking of her head in the toilet when I follow her in to the ladies, or was it the clumsy dropping the drink on her.

I pondered these things when I saw him reach into his pocket and put on a ring before she could see. He saw me notice. He smiled a sly smile at me. She noticed me looking at her husband. And have me a "back off ,bitch" look followed with a " you are not even in my league" look for good measure.

I looked at her and smiled. I waved and said And this one is dedicated to the lovely couple at the bar."



She stopped looking at me with disdain. I looked at her with pity. I was her once. Trying so hard to hold on to a man determined to stray. I wondered when she would stop blaming other women for his transgressions. But something in her eyes told me it was soon. Something in his laughter told me he would be blindsided by it.

But in the end I left the bar without diner and a shag or a snog.

I did leave with more money than I came in with. And that was good.

I walked down the street to the now familiar dive, I hear the laughter and joyful song coming from inside. I turn in. The door boy, smiles and winks and lets me in. Eric sits at the far end of the bar admiring his beautiful mate. I sit next to him and give him a kiss on the cheek.

" No luck in getting lucky tonight with the straight boys, huh?"

"What?! I can't give my old friend a kiss on the cheek and a snuggle?" I smiled at him to tell him he was right.

"Ah huh." Eric said with such attitude.

"Leave her alone, Eric, poor girl had her heart tossed around a bit tonight. Or at least her hopes dashed." The bartender said, a tallish pretty blond queen. He has always been sweet to me. "anyhow, we all know what that feels like. Baby, what do you want, on me."

"Surprise me, Beautiful." I said with a wink.

"You do know how to make a girl feel good, Butterfly. Something fruity for ya, coming right up. "

Well, they kept coming up, one fruity drink after another until me and the bartender were braking down men on the stage, my head on his lap, his arm around me. It is nice to be so safe, to have strong arms and no worries.

After a while all I could think about was how perfect his nose was.

Time to leave. Bid my shining white princess adieu and go home to lay my bones down.